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Thursday, August 14, 2014

F*** you with the Reply All

A mass email is sent. Maybe it was sent accidentally to the wrong group of people; maybe it was sent intentionally by someone who enjoys spamming others; maybe it was sent by someone who forgot that Blind Carbon Copy (BCC) is a thing, so their pregnancy announcement went out with the email addresses of everyone they know splashed right there in the CC line. But either way, the email has been sent and it's now sitting in your inbox.

And then the Reply Alls begin.

And f*** those motherf***ers.

Here are the different types of Reply Allers, in rough order of their appearance in the email thread:

The Idiots

The Idiots are the people who genuinely don't understand that hitting "Reply All" is different from hitting "Reply". So they Reply All in a state of total obliviousness, sending their "LOL !!!" or their "CONGRADULATIONS" message to all 148 people on the email, rather than just the sender.

I kind of hate this person, but not that much, because it's not their fault that they don't understand how these things work. I mean, it is their fault, really, but ... ugh. Just please don't do this. I can tell you with 100% certainty that nobody on earth gives a shit whether or not you LOL'd at something other than the person who sent it to you.

"I don't even know you, Ethel, and yet here I am reading an email in which you confess to using your slacks as a toilet."

The Helpful Idiots

There's another class of idiots, and they pop up whenever a message was sent to a large group in error. The Helpful Idiot will inform the sender that they sent the email to the wrong group, or that they probably didn't mean to send it to everyone at the company, or that they probably should have used the BCC line instead of the CC line to send it. These are helpful tips that the sender of the email might appreciate.




The "Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy

This is the only person on this list who I don't immediately want to pummel. "Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy can be so valuable -- he can be the difference between hours of frustration or a quick, painless death.

But only if he plays his role carefully.

"Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy has to strike within the first 2-3 Reply All messages sent to the group. If he waits any longer than that, then nobody will be reading the replies anymore so his email will just be another scream in the cacophony of messages everyone is immediately deleting.

When I get 50 emails from people I don't know replying to a message I don't care about, you can bet your bippy I ain't readin em.

But if "Stop Hitting Reply All" Guy gets in at the right moment, he can put an end to all this. Suddenly, anyone who continues to Reply All after being reminded not to is either an even bigger idiot than anyone could have imagined, or they're an asshole troll doing it on purpose.

And while we're on the subject of asshole trolls who Reply All on purpose ...

The "lol you hit Reply All to tell everyone else not to reply all" Guy

I f***ing hate this guy. If you've ever felt like maybe you wanted to be this guy, here's some advice: DO NOT BE THIS GUY.

If you want to be a troll, go troll the f***heads on Yahoo Answers or in the Youtube comments section. Do NOT troll a bunch of innocent people who are just trying to live their lives without their iPhones going off every 8 seconds with a new email from a lonely shitbag living in his mom's basement.

The Annoyed Idiots

At this point, at least 6-8 emails have come in, and people are starting to get pissed. Maybe they're in a meeting and their phone keeps vibrating with all these pointless bullshit messages. Maybe they're waiting for an important message to come in, but it's getting drowned in these nonsense replies.

And it's totally understandable to be annoyed.

But do you know what you shouldn't do with this annoyance?



The person who sends "UNSUBSCRIBE" to everyone

Haha that doesn't do anything you dope.

The "lol I've got my popcorn" Assholes

I f***ing hate these people too. They only tend to show up when an email is sent to a big but anonymous group, like the entire student body or alumni group. They'll contribute something like:

-- "Lol here we go with the reply alls ..."

-- "Oh man people are starting to get pissed!"

-- "I can't believe people are still replying all to this message."

-- "So, did everyone have a good lunch today? What'd you have? I got a burrito bowl from Chipotle. It tasted okay."

No one thinks you are funny. Just shut the f*** up.

The Unfathomable Idiots

The final category on this list is the people so stupid you wonder if they've ever even seen a computer before.

These are the people who, even after 40 email replies have gone out -- after the idiots have idiotted, the helpful people have been helpful, the trolls have trolled, the annoyed people have expressed their annoyance, and the assholes have sprayed shit everywhere -- after all this is complete, the Unfathomable Idiot shows up late on the scene with a reply to the most recent message in the 40+ email chain:

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