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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The worst fanfic you ever read: PART 2

Make sure you're caught up on Part 1 before trying to read Part 2. Otherwise, you will be absolutely lost. (you'll be lost anyway, though, because none of it makes any sense.)


"And how did that make you feel?" the counselor asks, leaning forward and focusing her soft brown eyes on Justin's face.

"How did it make me feel? To see my girlfriend give birth to a baby that clearly wasn't mine? HOW DID THAT MAKE ME FEEL??!" The rage in his voice is undeniable. "It felt like f***ing shit, Dr. Baldwin! What a stupid question!"

"Now Justin, I need you to calm down and lower your voice. We don't want to bring anger into this room."

"This c**t here is the one who brought anger into this room!" Justin shouts, jerking his thumb towards a bored-looking Princess Leia. "Spreading her legs all over town like a whore!"

Leia yawns. "Babe, you said you wanted to try and work through this. But your attitude is pretty terrible."

Justin's eyes fill with angry tears. "My attitude? MY ATTITUDE?? Look at you sitting there, yawning and picking at your fingernails instead of contributing to this therapy session!" He turns back to the therapist. "Dr. Baldwin, she doesn't even get up with the baby! Says she needs to 'recover from birth' and makes me do all the night feedings! For a baby that isn't even mine!"

"Now Justin, remember, we don't want to get all caught up in 'mine' versus 'yours', and we certainly don't want to get bogged down in discussions of little Luke's paternity. We all agreed to that when we first started these sessions. But let's talk a little bit about fair division of labor at home. Leia, do you feel that you are doing your fair share with the baby?"

Before Leia can answer, a pager on Justin's hip goes off loudly. He looks at the screen and groans. "Leia, we need to go. Justice League emergency."

"Shucks!" she announces with a little smile. "I was looking forward to the rest of this therapy sesh!"

"We'll continue this on Thursday, " Dr. Baldwin says as she follows Justin and Leia to the door. "Both of you need to think about a chores list!" she calls after them as they run down the hallway. "Maybe we'll work on making a chore wheel together!"

When they arrive at the Justice League headquarters, everything is in tumult. "Finally, you're here!" Batman exclaims when they enter the big conference room. "We need to go NOW!"

"What's going on this time?" Leia asks.

"It's Gordon Ramsay! He and the cast of Lost have gotten their hands on a North Korean time machine, and they're about to destroy Wilmington!"

"Oh no, not Delware!" Leia cries.

"No, Wilmington Ohio!" Batman corrects her, shoving them towards the doors. "I'll tell you more once we get on the plane!"

"Where is Elmo?" Leia asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

"He was already in Wilmington, so he'll meet us there! Now come on, there's not time for idle chit-chat! Everyone else is already on the plane!"

But there is no time to talk about it on the plane, because the Justice League plane travels at 95% of the speed of light so they arrive in Ohio almost instantly. The League members quickly disembark in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn, a block away from where Gordon Ramsay and his army is making their stand outside a Dairy Queen.

"They're executing historical figures at an alarming rate," Batman tells the gang as they start walking down the street towards the Dairy Queen. "They keep going through the time portal and bringing back noteworthy historical people, and then they just shoot them point-blank with a shotgun! They've announced that they're going to keep killing an important figure every half hour until their demands are met!"

"Oh no, that's awful!" Taylor Swift says. "What are they demanding? And why did we park so goddamned far away? These six-inch heels are terrible to walk in."

"Apparently, Gordon Ramsey is insisting that FOX produce a Lost movie. He hates the way the show ended, and so he wants a movie that does a better job tying up the loose ends!"

"Wait, how did the show end?" Flo from Progressive asks, looking perplexed. "I gave up after the first four seasons."

"I don't know, actually," Batman responds thoughtfully. "I only made it through season two."

"I don't know anyone who watched it all the way through," Justin contributes.

"I wonder what that smoke monster thing was all about," wonders Taylor Swift, tilting her head to the side like a confused dog.

"Wait, didn't they explain that? It was some kind of security system?" Flo says.

"ENOUGH WITH THE F***ING SPOILERS," shouts Leia, shaking her head. "I still might Netflix it! Anyway, Batman, who have they killed so far?"

"Ugh, it's been a massacre! They've pulled Ghenghis Khan through the time portal, and Hitler, and Pinochet, and now they're threatening to nab Vlad the Impaler and kill him before he gets a chance to torture and murder all those people!"

Flo stops walking and puts a hand on Batman's shoulder, turning him towards her. "Hang on ... those people all sound like jerks that history would have been better off without. Why are we stopping them?"

"Because if they change the past, then they'll change the present as well! Christ, what are you, simple? Haven't you ever seen the Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher? We can't let them murder all those dictators before the dictators have a chance to rise to power! The world as we know it will be completely destroyed!" Batman shakes Flo really, really hard and then punches her in the mouth. She crumples to the pavement. "If Hitler doesn't kill all those Jews, think how many more Jews there will be! Jews everywhere! Is that really a world you want to live in??"

"Whoa, dude," the purple Care Bear says. "That's a super f***ed up thing to say."

"Yeah man," Justin adds. "You can't just walk around saying shit like that."

"Oh whatever, like you're all such great people," Batman says, looking around and seeing all the disgusted faces pointed at him. "He killed a bunch of Gypsies, too," he adds quietly. "Bet you're all secretly thankful for that at least."

"You're awful," Taylor Swift says.

Just then, they arrive in the Dairy Queen parking lot and see Gordon Ramsay standing on a raised podium. "THIS ICE CREAM SUNDAE IS SO MELTED, CLIMATE CHANGE SCIENTISTS ARE USING A PHOTO OF IT TO GET DONATIONS ON FACEBOOK!" he shouts, chucking the sundae at Matthew Fox's face. "GET ME A NEW ONE! I WANT A F***ING PARFAIT THIS TIME."

"Wow, Ramsay looks pissed," Justin whispers as the gang hides behind a corner of the DQ building.

"I still can't believe he managed to get the entire cast here at once," Flo says, her eye slowly swelling shut where Batman punched her. "That must have cost a fortune!"

"You think? I dunno ... I mean, how many of them are working regularly now? I don't see many of them on TV these days," the Hamburglar says.

"Julie Bowen has a great career," Batman hisses. "Modern Family is my fave show!"

"Okay, that's one of them, but what about the rest?" the Hamburglar presses.

"Hey guys," Elmo's voice squeaks from behind them, causing them all to jump. "Are we just gonna stand here, or are we going to kill these bastards and destroy that North Korean time machine?"

Justin Timberlake's face spreads into a wide smile. "Oh, we'll kill some bastards alright," he says, wiggling his eyebrows and winking at Taylor Swift.

"Why are you winking at me?" she asks.

The gang runs out from behind the DQ and stars immediately decimating the Lost cast with samurai swords. Evangeline Lilly gets cut completely in half, and the Iraqi guy gets his head chopped off. The fat guy starts running away, but the Hamburglar catches him easily and chops off his legs with one stroke.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Gordon Ramsay shouts, chucking his parfait into Matthew Fox's face. "Who are these people and why are they killing my cast members?"

"We are the Justice League and we are here to stop you from killing cruel historical dictators! We'll kill as many Lost cast members as we need to until you stop!" Batman shouts, grabbing some random cast member who only had a speaking role in two episodes and slitting her throat from ear to ear.

"You'll never catch me!" Ramsay cries, and then leaps through the time portal.

"Someone needs to follow him!" Leia shouts, running towards the portal.

"I'll get him!" Elmo says, sprinting towards the portal and diving through it.

"Me too!" Justin says, diving through the portal after Elmo.

The Dairy Queen parking lot is total chaos. Lost cast members are being slaughtered right and left, even after they put their hands up and surrender. Women, children, pregnant Australians, even the dog.

But then, things get even crazier. Gordon Ramsay pops back out of the time portal riding a velociraptor and waving a lightsaber around. He starts chasing Batman around and almost manages to decapitate him before Batman manages to leap into the time portal and away from the velociraptor's grasping talons.

The portal opens up again and Justin reemerges, holding hands with a much younger version of himself. The two Justins run up to Leia, who is slowly carving her name into Julie Bowen's back as she cowers on the ground in the fetal position. "Leia," older Justin says. "We want you to be with us. We forgive you for the whole Elmo thing. We just want to be able to be a family. If younger Justin and I both work together, we can easily take care of all the chores and the night-feedings and the diaper changes. You can live like the Princess you are!"

"Plus, imagine the threesomes!" younger Justin adds.

"Well ... you certainly make a good point ..." Leia says uncertainly. "But what about El--"

She is cut off by the sound of Elmo screaming as a T-Rex comes through the time portal with Elmo in its mouth. "Eeeeeeeeeee it's killing meeeeeeee!" Elmo cries. "Help! Help!!!!"

But there is nothing anyone can do, because Gordon Ramsay and his velociraptor are riding back and forth in front of the T-Rex, keeping away anyone who might try to slay it.

Matthew Fox seizes upon this distraction and scurries over to the time portal, gingerly stepping through. Moments later, a giant nuclear warhead flies out and lands in the middle of the parking lot. Matthew Fox comes through right after it, shouting "NAGASAKI, BITCHESSSSSSS!" And then the warhead explodes, destroying all of Wilmington Ohio, the time portal, the entire Justice League, Gordon Ramsey, and the remaining Lost cast members.

Two hours later, Batman walks up, falling to his knees in front of the burned dead body of Flo. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wails. "WHY DID I ONLY TRAVEL TWO HOURS INTO THE PAST! I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS!!!!"

But he totally couldn't have prevented it, so instead he just goes home and raises Leia and Elmo's weird baby to be a Jedi Robin or whatever.

The end.

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