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Thursday, September 4, 2014

The worst fanfic you ever read: Part 1

I'm in a bad mood because of something I saw on Facebook (really), so I'm going to distract myself from my seething anger by writing some fanfic. Don't expect it to make sense. Don't expect it to stick to one genre.

Expect only madness.

Princess Leia awakens with a start to the sound of her boyfriend's alarm going off. She is instantly annoyed, having warned him before that he needed to change his alarm tone to something other than its current "BONKBONKBONK" sound. But once again, he had forgotten to do it.

Amazingly, he seems impervious to the noise, continuing to sleep next to her without stirring at all. She gives him a hard shake. "Justin!" she hisses. "Wake up and turn off that godforsaken alarm!"

He lifts his head with a groggy look, his tight curls dented on one side from the pillow. "Oh, sorry babe," he murmurs, finally silencing the alarm. "I know you asked me to change it to a different sound, but I forgot. You know I hate doing anything to annoy you." He flashes his million-dollar smile at her, and Leia feels her annoyance ebb somewhat. "To annoy either of you," he adds, reaching out to rub a hand over her enormous pregnant belly.

"Oh, it's alright," she says. "I'm sure I wouldn't have slept much longer anyway. I can't remember the last time I was comfortable enough to sleep properly." She rubs her belly lovingly.

"I still can't believe I'm going to be a father soon," he says, dreamy. "Little Justin Timberlake Junior is going to be so good-looking. Women won't stand a chance when he's around!"

Leia groans. "We've been over this, Justin. I'm not naming him after you. It's not happening. We're going to call him Luke, to honor my brother. I thought you were on board with this."

He sighs. "I was for a while, but the thing is ... look, Leia: your brother choked to death on a marble. That's gotta be one of the stupidest ways a person has ever died. I know you love him, and he was a great Jedi and all, but I'm not naming my son after someone who died while trying to win a bet with Lindsay Lohan. And for $20! It'll be all I think about every time I say his name. It's not happening, alright?"

Leia sits with her arms crossed and lips pursed, looking furious. "Not even six in the morning and we're already starting with this shit, huh?"

"Ugh, fine, we'll name him Luke. Little Luke Marblechoker Timberlake. Happy?"

"Skywalker-Timberlake. Why would he only take your name?"

Justin closes his eyes again, massaging his temples. This was going to be a long day.

An hour later, they are both dressed and on their way to the Justice League meeting. 

"I'm fine with the doughnut hair, but I don't know why I have to wear this white robe everywhere," Leia complains. "I look like an absolute whale. I'd feel much more comfortable in some of the cute maternity clothes they have at Pea in the Pod. But noooo; instead I have to wear this big shapeless SHEET so everyone can laugh at me. Did you hear Elmo in there last week? It was one rude one-liner after another. I could have killed him I was so angry."

"Well, why didn't you say anything to me? I would have put him in his place for you!"

Leia laughs derisively. "No offense, babe, but ... I don't think so."

"You don't think I could beat up Elmo?"

She shrugs.

"You're serious?"

"You're good at other things, babe."

He rubs his temples again.

They arrive at the Justice League headquarters, where Elmo is standing outside smoking a joint. "I thought today's forecast called for blue skies!" he calls out when he sees them. "But that's gotta be the biggest, fattest white cloud I've ever seen in my life!" [author note: did you install cloud-to-butt yet? if so, that line was like a double entendre or something]

"You leave my girlfriend alone!" Justin yells back, puffing out his chest like an angry gorilla. "She's beautiful and natural and perfect just the way she is!"

Elmo takes a drag on his joint, holding his breath for several long seconds afterwards before finally blowing the smoke out directly into Justin's face. "Put Jabba in the slave girl bikini and chain him to her. She's more Hutt than he'll ever be."

Just as Justin is winding up to punch Elmo right in his soft red mouth, Flo from the Progressive commercials comes running up to them. "Both of you, stop it right now!" she shrieks. "We're supposed to be a team, fighting crime and evil all across the world! Not fighting each other!"

Suddenly, a loud alarm begins to blare, being broadcast through sirens inside and outside the Justice League building. The front doors of the building fly open and Batman comes running down the stairs. "Come on you guys, quit standing around jerking each other off and get moving! The United Nations building is under attack!"

"Oh no!" Leia cries. "Who is attacking them??"

"Looks like the Decepticons have teamed up with some middle school bullies and all hell is breaking loose!"

Justin Timberlake looks terrified. "M- m- middle school bullies?" he whispers.

"Oh for f**k's sake, Timberlake, man up!" Batman orders, slapping Justin hard across the face. "You're a grown man, an international sensation, and an incredibly talented singer, dancer, and actor. You don't need to be afraid of middle school bullies anymore."

"He's probably afraid of them because he's secretly a fa**ot," Elmo snorts, carefully putting out his joint and sticking it into a pocket on his body like a weird red kangaroo.

"Oh, you wanna talk about people who are 'secret fa**ots,' Elmo?" Leia responds. "Ernie and Bert told me alllllll about your last birthday party."

Elmo blushes. "They're full of shit!"

"ENOUGH ARGUING" Batman and Flo both scream at the same time. "WE NEED TO GET MOVING TO SAVE THE DAMNED UNITED NATIONS!" Then the two of them kiss each other passionately for several minutes while the others stand around looking uncomfortable.

The rest of the Justice League meets them at the United Nations building, where Decepticons have transformed into stacks of furniture to block all the entrances. The bullies mill around shouting insults at anyone who gets too close. "Well, look who it is," one of them shouts when they see the group approaching. "Hamburglar? More like ham-smuggler. In dat ass. Because your ass is big. And fat." 

The Hamburglar immediately tries to cover his rear end with his hands, ketchup tears welling up in his big hamburger eyes. It takes several minutes of hugging and positive reinforcement from one of the Care Bears before Hamburglar is ready to continue.

"This is ridiculous!" Leia whispers to Flo. "When did the Justice League turn into such damned pussies?"

"I don't know, but it's embarrassing," Flo whispers back, snapping a full magazine into her AR-15 rifle and chambering a round authoritatively.

"I agree," Taylor Swift says, coming up behind them with a machete in her hand. "It's the men who are the worst, too. What's with that?"

Leia admires Taylor's thigh-high combat boots and leather booty shorts as she passes. She flashes back to that crazy night six years ago when Taylor confessed that she had never "gone gay" before and was curious to try it. Oh man, what fun they'd had! Too bad Taylor hadn't been interested in continuing the affair afterwards. She'd just written some song about it and moved on.

Remembering that night was making Leia feel a little moist between the legs. A lot moist, actually. Oh shit, she thought -- this isn't arousal. This is my water breaking!

"JUSTIN!" she shouts, her voice carrying loudly over the insults of the bullies. "My water just broke! I'm going to have this baby!!!"

All at once, everyone's attention switches from the battle for the United Nations to the excitement of Princess Leia's impending childbirth. The Decepticons transform back into giant robots and one of them takes off to find clean towels and boiling water. The middle school bullies, terrified of the prospect of a baby coming out of a woman's vagina, leap back onto their bicycles and furiously pedal towards home.

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott runs up to them. "I know how to deliver babies! Do you need help?" he asks.

Leia grabs him by the collar of his shirt and shakes him aggressively. "Yes! This baby is coming right now!"

Justin Timberlake sits on the sidewalk crying while the Decepticons set up a makeshift hospital on the grass outside the UN. "Why didn't we just go to the hospital?" Taylor Swift asks Batman, but he is too busy putting his hands down Flo's pants to answer.

Leia's screams of pain turn into low groans as she starts to push the baby out.

"You can do this! You're doing great!" Tony Abbott encourages her, while the Hamburglar vomits into a bush nearby. "I can see the head! Wow, so much hair!"

With one more big grunt of effort, Leia pushes the baby out and Tony Abbott catches it in a big yellow Microsoft Bob beach towel. He cleans off the face and holds it up Lion King style, shouting "IT'S A BOY!"

Justin Timberlake rushes over to see the baby, but as soon as he lays eyes on it, his smile vanishes. "Leia, what the f**k?!" he says, his voice a mix of anger and surprise. "Why is it ... why is it ..."

"Red?" Tony Abbott volunteers.

"Yes! Why is it red?"

Leia's face is quickly turning just as red as the baby, and her eyes drift involuntarily over to where Elmo has re-lit his joint from earlier.

"THAT. MOTHER. F**KER!" Justin screams, yanking Taylor Swift's machete out of her hand and running towards Elmo.

 ... to be continued, maybe.


  1. This is some of the worst horseshit I ever read. 10/10, will read again. Already shared it on my facebook. People are confused and digging it.

    1. Wow, thanks! If I ever publish it into a book, I hope I can use your review on the front cover to help sell more copies!

      Thanks so much for sharing :-) I'm glad my horseshit can bring such joy and confusion to others.