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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

2014 Halloween Roundup!

Another Halloween has come and gone, which means it's time for the post-Halloween roundup, where I recount all the various failures and flops that accompanied this year's favorite holiday.

The shenanigans started with the pumpkins. This year, instead of just going to the local grocery store and buying our pumpkins out of a giant cardboard box, I insisted that we take Audrey to the pumpkin patch. She did not care at all about this trip, and will have no memory of it later. 

"I don't understand why you gave me this."

The field was extremely muddy, which meant that Audrey's boots got muddy and the wheels of her stroller were caked. It was really awesome putting the mud-encrusted stroller and mud-encrusted pumpkins in the back of my car. In a rare moment of clear thinking, the mud-encrusted child had her boots taken off before getting back in her car seat.

"Why am I even here?"

As soon as we got home, Jesse and I set to work carving the pumpkins. Or rather, we set to work hollowing out the pumpkins -- a task that takes at least 8 times longer than the actual carving. Someone needs to invent a sort of cotton gin for pulling the seeds out of pumpkin guts ... and this device needs to cost $10 or less because let's be honest, I'm going to lose or break it annually.

The good news is, the pumpkin carvings actually turned out pretty well. As did the roasted pumpkin seeds. The bad news is, I am addicted and can't stop eating the pumpkin seeds. They are extremely salty and give me dry mouth for hours afterwards, and they mess up my insides and give me a headache. Don't care; ate pumpkin seeds.


On Monday, Audrey's daycare had a pajama day, so of course I dressed her up in her pumpkin duds. She was not pleased.

"I am angry for undisclosed baby-related reasons!"

Something seemed familiar about this, though. So I scrolled through my phone looking for photos from Halloween last year, and what did I find?

Halloween's biggest fan two years running!

When Wednesday night rolled around, it was time for the first Halloween costume to come out! We were headed to a mom's club trunk-or-treat event, so Audrey dressed up in her dinosaur costume. Jesse did the same, dressing as Dino-Daddy.

Everything was going well until we realized the worst possible thing had occurred: Audrey had been suffering from a bit of runny bum that day, and she had runny bum'd out of her diaper and into her dino costume. We cleaned her up and changed her dipe, but the smell lingered. And the smell had transferred to the arm of Jesse's dino costume as well. Audrey had forgotten the first rule of Halloween:

"Hallowe'en" is spelled all douchey so you know this is legit.

Friday night: actual Halloween! We started out in an elephant costume inherited from Audrey's cousin. This one took a bit of getting used to ...

I like to think of her as a were-elephant completing her transition.

... especially crawling around while wearing it. The hood threw off her vision and the padded body threw off her center of gravity, so there were many faceplants. She looked as drunk as I hoped to be later in the night.

"I'm diggin' these gourds, Mom."

A few more pictures and it was time to put on the kitty costume for trick-or-treating. Jesse and I put on our owl and flying squirrel costumes as well. We were ready.

I'm not gonna deny that there's a certain amount of shame involved in taking a baby who can barely walk and isn't allowed to eat candy trick-or-treating. I would carry her from house to house, and then as soon as we rang the doorbell, I'd stand her up on the ground with her little pumpkin bucket, trying desperately to make it seem like any part of this was her idea. And then I would pick a Reese's cup out of the candy bowl, because of course I did. I'm not a moron, guys.

We didn't buy any for our own candy bowl because they were too expensive, so I had to get my fix from the neighbors. This is called "being a selfish dick."

After five or six houses, we headed back home and Audrey went to bed. The trick-or-treaters started in earnest soon after that, as it finally started to get dark. One of the neighbor kids was dressed as a witch, and she came to our door several times, always with different groups of children. Her sister also came around multiple times, first as a horse and then as a fish and then in her sister's witch hat. On the fourth visit from the witch, I asked her how her Halloween was going, and she confessed that she had been to our next-door neighbor's house seven times already.

Seven times.

That kid knows how to Halloween.

Then again, I'd like to think that I know how to Halloween too. I mean yeah, I have a little kid now, so things are a bit different. But I got candy, I drank beer, and I didn't shit myself even once. That sounds like a successful night in my book.

Awwwww yiss.

Hope you all had a lovely Halloween as well, and if you have little kids and they wore costumes, I wanna see!

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