Blog Archive

Friday, December 19, 2014

Christmas songs whose lyrics I misunderstood because I'm an idiot

It's well known that I'm an idiot. Here is further proof:

"Jingle Bell Rock"

So there's a line that goes like this:
Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in the jingling feet
That's the jingle bell rock

And I am such a moron that for most of my entire life, I pictured "jingle around the clock" as a group of people literally dancing in a circle around a large grandfather clock. Like a conga line.

He jingled too hard.


"Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)" 

This song opens like so:
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

My idiocy this time around? Instead of it saying "AND folks dressed up like Eskimos," I thought it said "OF folks dressed up like Eskimos"

You know, a racially insensitive choir of folks dressed up like Eskimos singing yuletide carols while a bunch of well-meaning white people whisper to each other that this seems a little bit "off" to them.

Wow guys. "Eskimo" isn't even the proper nomenclature anymore.

While I'm on the subject of Christmas songs that confuse me, can we talk for a minute about "Here Comes Santa Claus"?

This is a song about Santa Claus. You know, the big fat bearded guy in a red suit who delivers toys to nice children. Not to be confused with Jesus Christ, Son of God.


So let's give thanks to the Lord above
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight

Wait, do Santa and Jesus know each other? Are they bros? Does Jesus give Santa some gentle ribbing about his weight, while Santa urges Jesus to loosen up and have some gingerbread? Is the North Pole supposed to be Heaven? Is Jesus somehow responsible for Santa's existence? If so, thanks Jesus!

Now I'm just imagining the newest testament: The Gospel of Santa.

"And Santa said unto the Lord, 'Ho ho ho. Let he who is nice receive my gifts, and let he who is naughty receive coal.' And the Lord said unto Santa, 'Sounds good.'"

And don't even get me started on Michael Bublé's version of "Santa Baby." I'm not sure flirting with Santa is gonna get you what you want, pal. You may be barking up the wrong tree.

Unless ... has Mrs. Claus just been a beard this whole time?

This changes everything. EVERYTHING.

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