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Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Why Santa is skipping our house this year: Volume 3

If you want to get caught up on Audrey's transgressions this holiday season, here's Volume 1 and Volume 2. Merry Christmas, everyone!

For a while there, Audrey turned herself around. Her behavior improved markedly, and it looked like Santa's visit was back on.

But now, I'm not so sure.

Here's a list of her most recent offenses:

She assaulted me repeatedly when I tried to lie down next to her and close my eyes for a minute

This past Saturday night, Audrey was awake for several hours in the middle of the night. I don't know exactly what her problem was, but it wasn't solved by milk, cuddling, a fresh diaper, or a dose of Tylenol. My bag of tricks was officially empty.

Eventually, she did go back to sleep, but then woke up at her usual 5AM the next day and was a cranky handful the entire day.

At one point in the afternoon, we were on the floor together playing Lego, and I pulled a pillow down off the couch and laid myself down next to her. I closed my eyes and told her that "Mommy just wants to rest her eyes for a minute."

A few seconds later, I was clubbed in the head with the lid off her tub of Legos. A minute after that, I opened an eye to see the entire bucket of Legos being held inches above my face by a pair of weak, wobbly baby hands. She NEVER picks up the whole Lego bucket. This was the first time I had ever seen her do it, and of course the goal was to drop it on me and probably give me a concussion. I got out of harm's way just in the nick of time.

She then started "tapping" my ribs to get me to sit up. By "tapping" I mean "punching." When that didn't work, she laid down on her back across my face. I mean literally flopped her entire body across my face. She also picked my nose, pulled my hair, and coughed into my eye.

No rest for the wicked? How about no presents for the naughty?

For a visual representation of how this "nap" went for me, this GIF here is the most accurate thing I have ever seen. Dear God. The baby flopping across its mother's face is exactly what Audrey did to me.

One of her presents gets a little bit more unwrapped every time I see it

I don't know what it is about this one present, but she is constantly going over to the Christmas tree to mess with it. The other day, I noticed a small tear in the corner of the present ... and the next day, I noticed the tear had become larger.

No presents before Christmas, child.

And if you keep up at this rate, NO PRESENTS AT ALL!! Mommy will keep whatever is in that princess package!

She threw ketchup-covered food everywhere because she was angry I wouldn't give her any of my Coke Zero

This one really was my own fault. I knew she would want the Coke Zero as soon as she saw it, but I somehow convinced myself that she was occupied enough with her dinner that she wouldn't notice it.

Oh, she noticed all right. And the meatballs flew, and dinner was canceled, because any time I put her plate back within reach, more bits of ketchupy meatballs became airborne.

Please note that she has never tasted Coke Zero and has no idea what it is. All she knows is that Mommy seems to like it, which means it must be a far sight better than the shitty dinner she's been provided with.

She made me miss my work holiday luncheon

Okay, this one was completely not her fault. She came down with a fever, so I had to leave work to go pick her up and miss the holiday luncheon scheduled for that day.

On the bright side, I got lots of extra baby snuggles, which totally made up for it. Didn't make up for any of the other crimes on this list, though.

Aww, poor sweet sick little baby ...
Wait, you threw meatballs at me and tried to brain me with a tub of Legos. YOU'RE NOT GETTING OFF THAT EASILY.

She lied, cheated, stole, and bribed her way onto Santa's "Nice" list

Look, I don't know how she did it. All I know is that this piece of artwork came home from daycare yesterday: 

There's simply no way. I don't know what you did to get Santa to agree to this, but I'm almost positive it was immoral at best, illegal at worst.

She aggressively hinders my efforts to stuff and fold her clean cloth diapers

I've written before about how Audrey wears pocket cloth diapers to daycare, which require me to stuff these absorbent inserts into waterproof outers after every wash. This task is a pain in the ass and I hate it.

You know what makes it even better, though? When Audrey steals the diaper pieces as I'm working and stuffs them into a box in the laundry room.

I caught her on video. Here you see the work zone where the pile of diaper pieces waits to be assembled ...

... and then you see Audrey, surrounded by stolen diaper fillings, deciding which stolen diaper outer piece should be stuffed into the box first.

Christmas is in two days, child. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

If you want to get caught up on Audrey's transgressions this holiday season, here's Volume 1 and Volume 2. Merry Christmas, everyone!

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