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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Children's shows whose premise makes no sense to me

Look, I get that children's shows aren't meant to be dissected by adult-level critical thinking. They're meant to be silly and simple, and 2-year-olds generally don't ask a lot of questions about why certain things are the way they are. They just accept them.

But I have some concerns, dammit, and we need to discuss them!

The Chica Show

The Chica Show is on the Sprout channel that Audrey and I spend a lot of time watching. It's a show about a costume shop run by a couple of chicken puppet/muppet things, and their chicken-kid Chica who I assume is female. They have the usual kids' show antics, with things being misplaced and forgotten, huge messes being made and then having to be cleaned up, and trying to find the perfect costume for some sort of unusual or special case scenario that puts them all to the ultimate test.

Here's my problem with The Chica Show, though: the costume shop also employs an adult female human.

I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but ... why the hell is a HUMAN BEING working at a business owned by CHICKENS?

At first, I was willing to allow it because they're muppets, not regular chickens. So maybe they have the capacity for thought and emotional intelligence of humans, but just happen to be in the form of chickens. In which case, it's reasonable that they would have a human working for them.

But then I saw an episode of The Chica Show where the dad chicken was reading a newspaper ... and it wasn't a regular newspaper. It was written in a weird non-language that I could only identify as "chicken scratch" ... so these chickens apparently speak English as a second language, with their first language being "bok bok bok" because they are f***ing chickens. And there was a picture on the front page of the newspaper, accompanying the lead story, and do you know what the picture was?



So I don't think that Chica and her family are meant to be muppets at all. I think they are just actual chickens who somehow manage to own and run a private business. This is supported by the fact that Chica herself doesn't even speak English at all. She only speaks "bok bok bok."

And this lady ...

... is at a point in her life where she has a couple of chickens for a boss. She can't mouth off to them, because they will fire her. When she's feeling ill, she has to call in and ask a chicken if she can have the day off. Every year, she gets called into the back office for her Performance Review, wherein her performance is critiqued by a pair of f***ing chickens.


"I've noticed you've been clocking in a few minutes late from your afternoon breaks this week. I'm going to have to dock your pay a bit to reflect the discrepancy. Bok bok bok BOKOK!"


Sofia the First

Sofia the First is a Disney Junior show. Based on the opening credits, the back story is that there's this young girl named Sofia who used to live in the village below a castle, but then somehow they realized she wasn't just a regular villager at all, but was actually a princess from the castle. So she promptly moved into the castle and has to learn how to be a princess after being raised for the first several years of her life as a common villager.

Okay ... I have so many questions about this:

She addresses the King and Queen as "Mommy" and "Daddy" so clearly they are her parents, or are supposed to be. How the f*** did they not notice that for like 8 years she was just living down in the village with someone else? I mean I can't speak for everyone, but I've been pregnant a couple times and given birth once before, and I can tell you that that is not the sort of thing you just forget about. Did her folks really just suddenly look at each other one day and say "oh f*** didn't we used to have three kids?" How on earth does this situation even arise?

Also, who the hell was raising her in the village? I assume she had some sort of adoptive parents, but to this day I have not seen them appear on the show (Sofia's friends from the village appear often). Did her royal parents just steal her back from her adoptive parents and never let them see her again? Did they have them killed? And Sofia never wonders about them or misses them? That bitch is ice-cold.

And if she's actually adopted and the King and Queen aren't really her biological parents, how the hell did that adoption process happen? I mean, I imagine it would be quite a big deal to get adopted into royalty and become a princess. Was there some sort of lottery and her bio parents won it, and sold her into royalty in exchange for never speaking to her again? What the shit is going on here!

And finally, let's just also take a moment to consider that Sofia attends "Princess school" with a bunch of girls her own age. Where the hell are they living that there are so many princesses of similar age and in the same geographic region that they need their own school!!? There are at least 15 other princesses in the class with her. WHAT IS THIS PLACE.


Also, Amber is a c*** and I don't care who hears me say it.

Ultra c***.


This is a show on Sprout about a bunch of alien animals who run an intergalactic smoothie shop.

First off, they appear to all be children, but their parents are never in the picture. There's an octopus who I think is an adult, but he is rarely around and only seems to show up when equipment needs fixing. How does a group of children manage to run a business? Who gave them a license to operate??! If no one did, then how are they not killing their customers on a regular basis??? If you asked a group of young children to make fresh fruit smoothies in bulk day in and day out, would you really expect anything but death, dismemberment, and diarrhea? My god, the diarrhea!!!

"These ought to be good for making smoothies ... right?"

Also, I can only imagine what the overhead costs are for running a smoothie shack in outer space in a giant f***ing space station

This shit does look expensive.

The smoothie shack in the parking lot of the bowling alley near my house couldn't even stay in business, and that place was run (presumably) by grown-ass adults! Not to mention, the margin on fruit smoothies is probably razor thin ... especially in outer space. The supply chain logistics of importing enough fresh fruit every single day to keep up with demand ... the mind boggles. We're talking refrigerated space ships making the trip from whatever distant planet is appropriate for the growing of fruit and delivering that inventory daily. UPS's eyes cross at the prospect, but they've got children doing it. 

None of this is adding up. None of it.

The Pajanimals

The Pajanimals are a bunch of muppets who are perpetually about to go to bed, but there's always some problem they have to deal with first before they can get to sleep.

Here's the thing with them, though: take a look at them.

They are all different species of animal. A horse, a duck, a cow, and a dog. But ... they're all siblings.

How did this happen?

Jesse's theory was that they must have all had different dads and the mom is just a gaping whore, but there is one Dad character (he never actually appears; just shouts from off screen that they need to get ready for bed) and they all seem to acknowledge him as their father. So either he's stepdad of the century (and mom's whoring ways have died down), or Jesse's theory is wrong.

Theory number 2: they're all adopted. Probably foster kids.

This makes things a bit more troubling. The Pajanimals all share one bedroom, and their "parents" never actually appear. They just call out things like "take a bath!" and "don't use too many bubbles!" and "brush your teeth!" and "five minutes til bedtime!" Other than these brief instructions, the kids are totally responsible for taking care of themselves.

Is ... is The Pajanimals actually a show about some sort of group home for foster kids, and the "parents" that these kids love and refer to as Mommy and Daddy are actually disinterested jerks collecting money from the government while totally neglecting the children they're supposed to be caring for? I mean, every night the kids have some sort of crisis, and every night they have to fly off to some Imagination Land or whatever and ask the moon for advice. Probably because their "parents" are too busy spending that government check on crack cocaine and Natty Ice.

Oh. This show makes me sad now.

I'm probably just reading too much into it. 

... right?

I just don't get muppets.

I previously wrote some "reviews" of children's shows on the Sprout channel right here

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