BAD CHILD:
The food fake-out
I'm ashamed that I still fall for this one sometimes. At this point, it's "fool me once, shame on you; fool me six thousand times, I clearly have some sort of severe brain defect."
The fake-out goes like this: Audrey holds out a piece of food like she wants to give it to me. I lean over with my mouth open for her to feed it to me (that's the only way she wants to share -- by feeding you like a zoo animal). Then, at the last minute, she yanks it away and eats it herself, laughing at me. Now, granted, she does actually share her food with me often enough that it makes sense for me to still open my mouth and lean forward ... but she takes it away at the last minute often enough that I shouldn't ever EXPECT to get whatever piece of food is on offer. (Unless it's something she doesn't like. Then I can expect her to try and load my mouth up faster than I can even eat whatever she's shoving in there)
So this weekend, Audrey was having a snack of some baby cheetos.
Delicious baby cheetos.
Baby cheetos are really tasty, especially when they're fresh -- and this was a brand new package. I was sitting on the floor near her, but not directly next to her, and I was pretty wiped out after doing a lot of physical activity that day. So when she walked up to me holding out one of the delicious cheetos, I actually got kind of excited and relieved. I was hungry and tired, and here she was bringing me food! Delicious food at that! She even walked over to where I was to deliver it!!
I said "ohhh, is that for me? You're so sweet!" and opened my mouth to receive cheeto.
The cheeto brushed against my bottom lip, leaving behind the faintest coating of cheddar-flavored dust ... and then just as my mouth filled with saliva in anticipation of receiving the rest of the cheddary goodness, the cheeto was whisked away and back into Audrey's mouth as she laughed and laughed at my gullibility.
Jerk.
GOOD CHILD:
"Elmo kiss!"
At Audrey's 18-month well baby checkup, we had to fill out a little questionnaire meant to test her development versus the normal. One of the questions was "does your child put together two-word statements and thoughts on their own? (things like 'all done' and 'bye bye' do not count, as these are still single thoughts even though they are two words)." I checked "yes" to this question, but then the more I thought about it, the more I wasn't really sure if that was true or not. Does Audrey do this? I don't know!
But then two days later, she assuaged my concerns by doing the cutest thing in the entire world. We always bring her into bed with us when she first wakes up in the morning, for family snuggle time, and sometimes she insists on bringing her blankie, her Elmo doll, or both in from her crib. Well, on this day, Elmo alone made the trip down the hall with her.
As soon as she got into bed with us, she decided that it was time for everyone to show Elmo some love. She started shouting "ELMO KA!" (which is Audrey-ese for "Elmo kiss") and shoving him into our faces. Elmo had to kiss Jesse, then me, then Jesse, then me, then Audrey a few times, and then back to Jesse and me. Every time, Audrey would make a kiss noise (pronounced "MAH!" in Audrey-ese) and shout "Elmo ka!"
There was so much love that day. So much Elmo love. It was precious.
And I didn't have to worry that I had lied on the questionnaire at the doctors' office, which was a solid bonus.
BAD CHILD:
"Mine!"
I think every parent remembers keenly the first time they heard their child scream "MINE!" and refuse to give up an object.
Audrey does this with my phone sometimes. She wants to keep playing her puzzle game and opening every single app one after another; I think she's had enough screen-time for the moment and suggest that we are "all done phone" and it's time to move onto something else, like reading. She immediately yanks the phone away from me, screaming "MINE!" and starting a toddler tantrum.
Ummm, excuse me? Did you pay for that phone?? Oh, you didn't?
THEN I GUESS IT'S NOT YOURS, IS IT, YOU ROTTEN CHILD. YOU OWN NOTHING. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU HAVE BECAUSE I GAVE IT TO YOU.
JERK.
GOOD CHILD:
She potty trains her stuffed animals and it's adorable
She has started practicing with toilet paper now, too. "Wiping" everyone's bums and then tossing the TP into the potty and flushing it. So cute.
BAD CHILD:
Her methods are unnecessarily harsh
WE DO NOT TOLERATE ACCIDENTS.
GOOD CHILD:
She worried about the boo-boo on my finger
I had a hangnail, and when I ripped it off, my finger kind of hurt for a bit. Audrey was concerned about this, so I told her that Mommy had gotten a boo-boo and it would be nice if she could kiss it better for me. She did.
For the next couple of hours, she continually checked on the status of my finger, grabbing it, looking at it, saying "boo-boo" and then kissing it better.
It was so sweet.
BAD CHILD:
She made me eat her french fry
This was after she had dipped the french fry in ketchup and then sucked all the ketchup off of it four times in a row.
Four times in a row it was in her mouth. Her saliva enzymes were practically digesting it before my eyes.
And then she made me eat it.
Jerk.
GOOD CHILD:
She helped me unload the dishwasher!
I like to end on a good note, so I'll leave you with this stunning display of good-childery: I was unloading the dishwasher, and Audrey started pulling out plates one at a time and handing them to me to put away. Once all the plates were out, she started pulling out all the parts to her sippy cups and giving me those as well. And once we were finished, she pushed the empty drawer back into the machine and closed it.
Now, did this actually save me any time? Goodnesss no. I can unload the dishwasher at a much faster rate than one single dish at a time. However, it was a major step up from her usual "helping" with the dishwasher, which consists of taking all her sippy cup parts and hiding them in the pantry while putting blankies and stuffed animals in their places. So she definitely gets a ton of credit for that.
The usual "help" I receive. Also, baby bed-head is truly unmatched anywhere in the world.
Plus, she did it again this morning, and she thanked me for every item she handed me. Because I thanked her for everything she gave me, and I don't think she fully understands what "thank you" means. So we just stood there thanking each other over and over again as she handed me spoons one at a time, and it was delightfully inefficient but I love her for trying.
So all in all, I guess she's a good child.
I guess.
I mean, she did dump out all her Legos while I was desperately trying to tidy up enough for the housekeeper to vacuum (yes, I pay someone to clean my house thoroughly once a month. I make no apology for this. It's a life-changer) ... and she did hit me in the face when I told her to open her mouth so I could brush her teeth ... and she did jump on the couch after I told her not to jump on the couch ...
But she's a good child. I'll keep her.
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