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Monday, May 18, 2015

In which I am punished by a toddler

So last weekend, I left for Vegas on Saturday morning and returned just as Audrey was going to bed on Monday night. For a kid in the throes of a "MOMMYMOMMYMOMMY" phase, this was apparently a cruel thing to do.

Now, don't get me wrong; Jesse is a great father, and he and Audrey really enjoyed their time together. Their relationship is the better for it. After all, Audrey really only prefers me when I'm around. If I'm not there, she doesn't really care that much and is happy with whoever is playing with her and reading her books. And she loved her Daddy weekend ... even though Daddy took her shopping on a dog leash :-/

Questionable, Jesse. Questionable.


I'm back now.

And Audrey was pissed, and had to punish me for leaving. Here are a few of the things she did last week to let me know that while she's happy I'm back, I am NOT to leave her again:

She hit me in the face with both hands

She had something she wasn't allowed to have, so I told her to give it back. She refused, so I took it out of her hands. 

And she wound up with both hands and smacked me right in the face, as hard as her pudgy little toddler hands would allow. She did this a few times when she was younger, but I always responded with a very stern "No!", an angry face, and a momentary withdrawal from whatever we were doing, and she quickly learned that hitting wasn't cool.

But the other day, she was angry enough at me that she hit me even though she knew it was wrong. And I said "NO!" and looked mad and told her "we DON'T hit," and then she got really sad and apologetic, but ultimately reminded me that I had driven her to it, and if I hadn't taken away the object in question, she never would have been forced to hit me. So really, the whole thing was my fault, when you get right down to it.

Ha ha just kidding; she cried and I hugged her and told her I loved her anyway, and she sat in my lap and snuggled me and hasn't tried to hit me since -- even when I wrestled her toothbrush away last night because she had dipped it in the bathwater but wanted to continue brushing her teeth with it. That's nasty, Audrey. You don't brush your teeth with bathwater.

She stole my chocolate

I had this box of fancy chocolate truffles that a friend got for me, and I had been slowly eating them at a rate of perhaps 4 per week. When it was a chocolate night, I would bring the whole box over to the couch and get myself comfortable before selecting my chocolate and savoring it slowly over the course of several minutes.

But then one night, I left the box of chocolates on the couch.

And the next morning, Audrey got it. And she pulled out one of the fancy truffles, walked over to the garbage can and threw away the little paper cup it sat in, and looked me right in the face before taking a bite.

I only had two chocolates left.

Now I have one.

She wouldn't share the chocolate or her cookies

I knew it wouldn't be right to take the chocolate away from her, since she'd found it fair and square and I knew that it was my own fault for leaving the box on the couch. If I tried to wrestle it away from her, she'd just have a big screaming fit, and then what was I supposed to do with it? She'd already put her mouth on it, so it's not like I was going to put it away and eat it later. So was I going to steal it out of her hand and then eat it myself right in front of her? How was that the better parenting option??

So I let her have it. But I asked her if I could have a bite.

And she was like "NO!" and shoved the whole thing in her mouth so I couldn't get it.

Also, last week, she got two cookies for snack at daycare just as I was picking her up, so we brought the cookies out to the car. As I was strapping her into her car seat, I asked if I could have a bite of one of her TWO cookies ... and once again, all she said was "NO!" and looked super offended. I leaned in to try and take a bite anyway, and she yanked the cookies away.

Nah, it's cool Audrey. Not like I ever do anything for YOU.

I let you dip your toast in my breakfast.
You weren't even eating the toast. You were just dipping it in whipped cream and sucking the whipped cream off the toast before coming back for more.

Also, she made me eat a Cheerio that had been on the floor for a day and a half and then had already been in her mouth. That's like ... the opposite of giving me some chocolate.

She took my underwear and hid them

Literally pulled them off my ankles while I was sitting down to pee (don't worry; I had just gotten dressed for work, so I only wore the underwear for a minute) and then shouted "MINE" and ran away and hid them somewhere. By the time I was able to chase after her, the underwear were in Narnia and I didn't have time to search for them. Had to put on a different pair. I'm sure we'll find the original underwear in like six years though.

Not cool, Audrey.

The moral of the story is, if you need to travel and leave your young children behind for any length of time, expect to pay the price for it. Your face may be smacked, your breakfast defaced, and your underwear may be stolen ... but sometimes, that's just life, I guess.

Oh and you might be savagely beaten with a balloon.

I got that balloon for her, too. So much regret.

This kid, I swear.

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