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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Things people do that I take as personal offenses (even though they're not)

You ever catch yourself getting deeply offended over something that really, at its core, has nothing to do with you whatsoever?

Don't lie; we've all been there. 

Here are a few things that will make me feel offended, betrayed, and absolutely shocked at the depravity of human society for no reason at all:

When someone announces a pregnancy that I did not expect
(because they said they were done having kids, or that they weren't going to have any period, or that it would be a few years before they started trying, etc)

There's no greater feeling of betrayal than to fire up the ol' Facebook machine and see that someone who had previously told me they had no plans to have children "until I'm AT LEAST 30" is announcing that they are pregnant ... but they're only 27.

Or seeing that someone who insisted one night over glasses of wine that "trust me, two is PLENTY for us!" is now pregnant with a third. 

I see these people announcing their happy news, and all I can think is, "YOU LIED RIGHT TO MY FACE."


Now, of course, this is completely ridiculous. First off, people are allowed to change their minds. Especially about important matters ... and 'how many kids should we have' is one of the most important decisions anyone makes in their entire lives. Imagine if you were eternally stuck with the decision you made at age 24, six beers deep after spending the weekend with your bratty nieces and nephews. Or the decision you made after watching too many episodes of "A Baby Story" three days after getting dumped. My god, everyone on earth would have either zero kids or ten of them.

Second of all, it's not my business how many children other couples want to have, and when they want to have them. Like, I can hardly think of a topic that is less my business than that. I think I'm owed a rundown of your bowel movements more than I'm owed a copy of your reproductive plans.

Third of all, accidents happen. Maybe that friend really DIDN'T plan to have kids until she was 30, but she took some antibiotics that made her birth control stop working and now she's pregnant at 26 unexpectedly. And maybe she doesn't really want to announce that to everyone on Facebook. And maybe that other woman found out she was pregnant a week after her husband got his vasectomy. They really did think they were done, but then ... life found a way.

All of these excellent reasons why I shouldn't feel betrayed have absolutely no bearing on whether or not I actually feel betrayed, though. If you're pregnant and I didn't have any inkling that it was coming, then you got some apologizing to do, buddy. Because this shit will not fly.

When people stink up the bathroom at work

When I walk into the bathroom at work and it smells like poop, I get angry. I get angry like I would if someone had intentionally farted directly in my face and then ran away laughing.


This is also completely ridiculous. Most people don't plan on stinking up the bathroom. It's not like they sit in their car on the way to work giggling about how awesome it's going to be to make all their coworkers breathe in their poop stench.


It's just something that happens sometimes, when your body doesn't really cooperate with what you intend. I prefer to poop at home, and I think most people feel the same way ... but there are times when that just doesn't work out.

It's absurd to get offended by that.

But I do anyway. Because I'm breathing someone else's poop and I hate it and that person should be fired immediately, if not sooner. They're creating a hostile work environment. It's unacceptable.

... unless the person who stunk up the bathroom was me. The rules are always different for me. I'm special.

When someone doesn't give the "thank you" wave in ambiguous situations

I think everyone can agree that when someone does you a favor on the road, if you don't give them the "thank you" wave, you're a giant dick.

But there are situations where it's a bit more ambiguous.

For example, let's say someone puts on their blinker to merge into your lane, so you hang back a bit to make sure they have enough space. In your mind, you've done them a favor and they should wave. But in their mind, maybe you didn't do anything at all and there just happened to be enough room in your lane for their car. So why would they give you a wave if you haven't done anything?

And then there are the bad drivers. The people who are so terrible at driving that to divert their attention from it, for even one second to wave at you, would cause them to drive off a cliff and smash into a school for musically gifted children. Do you really want these people giving 'the wave'?

None of these confounding variables mean anything to me, however. If I've done someone a favor on the road, I expect a wave. DO YOU HEAR ME? WAVE, GODDAMMIT!!!

That's right, you bitch.

Of course, as always, these rules don't apply to me. When I take my spot at the end of the zipper merge on my street, I ain't waving at nobody. It's a f***ing merge, you HAVE to let me in. It's not a favor; it's your job. I don't wave at you for doing your job. And when someone stops to let me out of Audrey's daycare parking lot, which requires rapidly checking that the other direction is clear before gunning it into a left turn across several lanes of traffic, I'm not waving. I'm too busy trying not to kill my family.

Those people should just know that I thank them. Internally. Much like how I should assume the same for the other drivers on the road who don't wave at me in similar situations.

Nope. Those people are such assholes.

In conclusion, don't be an asshole and I won't get offended. All you have to do is make sure you're 100% totally honest about your reproductive plans with everyone you meet, make sure you ONLY have bowel movements between the hours of 6PM and 8AM, and of course give me the "thank you" wave any time I do anything nice for you, even if you weren't aware of it.


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