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Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Funny Birth Plan Round 2: A natural birth that will keep the hospital staff from hating you

I published the birth plan that I wrote for Audrey's birth here. I am now 34 weeks along with kid #2, and so I figured it was about time to update and improve the birth plan to reflect the childbirth-related wisdom I gained from doing all this once before.

There are definitely a few changes. For starters, I rewrote 90% of the jokes because literally nothing on earth is worse than stale material (seriously? nothing? Abuse, rape, murder ... people who eat the last slice of pizza without saying anything?? 

Okay fine, you caught me. I exaggerate sometimes).

I also took out a few things. You may notice that I don't mention IV fluids, as these aren't standard at my hospital anyway, so including it was a bit like having a section insisting the doctors not beat me with tennis racquets while singing "She's a Grand Old Flag!" 

I also changed my tune on the hospital gown. I thought I wouldn't want to wear it -- as comedian Jim Gaffigan says, why would you want to give birth in the same gown someone died in yesterday? But in the end, I didn't give a flying fart and wore my gown happily. And then my cute nightgowns were clean for me to wear the next couple of days in the hospital. Victory.

I also made some changes to the Birth Preferences section, which were based almost entirely on what happened last time. That story, if you haven't read it yet (and who hasn't, really?), can be found here.

Other than that, it's your standard natural, low-intervention birth plan ... but written by an idiot who thinks she's really hilarious. Enjoy, and feel free to share, steal from, or copy outright as needed!


Patent's Patented Plan for a Natural, Low-Intervention Birth that Won't Make the Nurses Hate You
(that's my personality's job!)

Hi! My name is [me] and my husband is [husband]. [husband] works here at [hospital] – he’s the [job title]. Maybe you’ve seen him around the hospital! Or maybe he doesn’t work here at all and he’s just been playing a prank on me this whole time. Boy, what a lame prank.

Today, my job is to birth a little boy named Trevor. He’s my second child, and since I didn’t learn my lesson when I gave birth to my daughter, I’ll be attempting another natural birth.

Attendants: My husband [husband] will be the only one helping me this time. Hopefully he doesn’t have to take any pee breaks or there will be trouble. Maybe he can borrow an adult diaper? Or should we get a cardboard cutout of him that I can scream at instead?

Labor Preferences: 

Because I am trying to labor naturally, I am going to be a bit of a pain in the arse. I apologize in advance for this. To facilitate my natural labor, I request:

- Intermittent fetal monitoring rather than continuous. I know this is more work for you, but in exchange, I will give you a popsicle?

- I prefer to move around freely, laboring on a birth ball, squat bar, shower, tub, hanging out the window by my feet, and doing the splits vertically on a wall for no reason.

- Please keep me supplied with mesh panties so that when I pee myself every ten seconds, it doesn’t run down my legs. And let’s not talk about how much I am peeing myself. It will be a lot.

- Pain management: I’m making my D.A.R.E. instructor proud with a ‘just say no’ approach to drugs. But things happen. If I change my mind on the epidural, the safe word is “Baloney.” If AND ONLY IF I say “baloney,” call the anesthesiologist. Otherwise, a few good hard slaps to the face ought to be just what I need.

- No Pitocin unless we all agree that it is necessary. Even if labor is taking forrrrrr-everrrrr, as long as both the baby and I are doing well, we will keep on trucking the old-fashioned way.

- We are going to attempt to keep a chill atmosphere with dim lights and low voices. It’s okay to LOL at this if you need to.

Birth Preferences:

- When it comes time to push, I would like to push instinctively. But last time, I lost my confidence and kept asking “should I be pushing now?” So maybe this idea falls apart again, and that’s cool. In which case please coach me. I am not a smart man.

- I do not want to lie on my back to push. Last time, I was exhausted and wound up lying on my back anyway. If this happens again, please encourage me into a more productive position (but if I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, and that’s just how it’s gonna be)

- I would like to view the birth in a mirror, if I’m in a position to allow me to do that

- I would like to touch my baby’s head as it crowns. But I won’t remember that I want to do this. So if YOU remember, please remind me!

I had an episiotomy, vacuum, and subsequent 4th degree tear with my daughter. I was able to recover from this without a lifetime self-pooping issue, but doing it again makes the self-pooping a lot more likely. So if we reach a point where an episiotomy seems necessary, we will need to do a C-section instead. Sad face.

Once the baby comes out:

- Skin-to-skin contact immediately. Assessing/cleaning the baby can wait. I wanna snuggle that slimy disgusting wriggling creature the second he clears the gates.

- I will attempt to breastfeed immediately, since there’s no time like right away to start feeling inadequate as a parent

- Do not clamp the cord until it stops pulsing. Ha ha gross.

- No Pitocin after delivery unless I am actually hemorrhaging. Seriously please, that stuff hurts something fierce after a drug-free labor. Might as well just hit me with a bat. Lots of times.

- I would like to eat my placenta immediately, raw. That's a joke. Had you going for a second there, didn't I? No no; throw the placenta immediately in the incinerator. Nasty.

Uh oh! C-Section Time!

- My husband will be with me during the operation.

- I don’t want to see anything. I’ll probably throw up and pass out like a billion times, so don’t let me see what’s happening and don’t even tell me what’s happening. That will just make me throw up and pass out more. I’m serious – I got an abscess lanced one time with local anesthesia and I threw up and passed out. I don’t handle surgery well.

- Also, if general anesthesia is needed for some reason, please note my tendency to throw up at the drop of a hat. I would prefer not to aspirate and die.

- Double-layer closure which I’m sure you do anyway but I read in this one book and …

- My husband will go with the baby to do whatever it is babies do after being C-sectioned, and he will hold him right away while I continue to throw up/pass out in the O.R.

- I would like to attempt to breastfeed as soon as possible, like an optimist/moron

Oops! It turns out it’s a girl after all! Who knew?!!?

She’s gonna be so embarrassed going home from the hospital in a “Little Brother” onesie. Ugh. The shame will stay with us all for life.

Thanks for helping us achieve our super optimum birth experience! I bet everything is going perfectly according to plan even as you read this, because of course it is – it’s childbirth! The most predictable thing on earth!

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