Double-headed Shart Attack: Why I can't give my kid the intials "TJ": A really mean rejection of a common nickname

37 weeks pregnant today, a.k.a "early term" -- in other words, baby is cooked rare, but still very edible.

And Jesse and I still don't really have a middle name sorted out.

The real issue is that we have a LOT of J-names in our family. Jesse and I are both J-names, both of our fathers are (technically) J-names ... so this whole thing would be a breeze if the J-name thing was an option.

But it's not. Because then his name would be Trevor J, and somebody, somewhere along the line, would be like "oh hey, your initials are TJ! We should totally call you that!"

And then he would be TJ. And that would be the end of my smart, ambitious, well-mannered Trevor. And the beginning of ... TJ.

What do I have against the nickname TJ? SO MANY THINGS. Every time this conversation comes up, I offer up a new story for things that I picture "TJ" doing that "Trevor" would never think of. And so I have decided to collect them all for you in one place, and come up with some more too.

If you know anyone named TJ in real life, please don't show them this. It's going to be really mean. I'm sure all your TJs are wonderful people whose brains work flawlessly 100% of the time, and none of this applies and I'm an asshole for even thinking of it.

So with that ...

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TJ is the kind of guy who, at the age of 30, drives an ice cream truck and sells popsicles to neighborhood children. This is his career.

TJ does not own the ice cream truck outright, mind you. He rents it from an Indian fellow who he pays $1000 per month.

TJ thinks that this is a very reasonable arrangement, and is furious that we don't support him in his "business enterprise."

TJ living the dream.

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TJ tries to reverse his car out of the driveway, but accidentally puts it into "Drive" and plows into the garage door instead.

The first time he did it, we dismissed it as an accident that could happen to anyone.

But by the third time TJ plowed into the garage door -- perfectly sober each time -- we began to wonder.

"How were you even driving fast enough to cause so much damage??!"

"I didn't see it."

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TJ buys a huge box of single-serving cartons of chocolate milk like they serve to elementary school children, and gets angry when no one will help him make room for it in the kitchen refrigerator.

When asked why he decided to purchase such a large quantity of milk, TJ insists that it was "a great deal" and leaves it at that.

A week later, when all the milk has gone sour and has to be thrown away, TJ becomes angry that nobody helped him drink it, because now it was a waste rather than a good deal.

Perhaps the reason nobody helped him drink it is because he was charging $1 a carton for the privilege.

"Y'all are a bunch of idiots! Do you know how much these cartons cost when you buy them at the gas station? Way more than a buck each!"

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TJ believed that giraffes reproduce by laying eggs. He held this belief until he was 26.

I mean, why wouldn't giraffes lay eggs?

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TJ spent $300 on a computer monitor from a guy on Craigslist. The guy told him it was an all-in-one computer like an iMac, and TJ just accepted this as fact.

It was not.