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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Totally Not Legit Restaurant Yelp Reviews

Today's post is a review of a few restaurant experiences I had recently. Please note that there's a reason they are here on this blog rather than on Yelp: because they are completely ridiculous and have no business whatsoever being on the real internet where actual people might read them. But at the same time, they're in keeping with some actual reviews I have seen people post. Because the world is full of people who are ridiculous ALL THE TIME and they aren't even doing it on purpose to be funny. They're really like that. Blows my mind.

Review 1:
Steamers Seafood Cafe

Steamers is a little seafood restaurant down by the Tacoma Narrows bridge. We went there recently with the whole family, and they gave us a set of crayons and a picture for Audrey to color while we waited for our food.

Since Halloween is fast approaching, the picture they gave us was of a few jack-o-lanterns. Audrey wanted me to help her color them, so I looked through the cup of crayons and discovered that there was no orange crayon.

How the f*** am I supposed to color jack-o-lanterns without an orange crayon.

I tried coloring it yellow and then coloring red on top of it so that I could make orange the old fashioned way, but crayons don't really work that way and it looked like crap. Then I tried to color the pumpkin's hat but the darkest color I had was this light fawn gray.

That pumpkin looked like a pale idiot with a sunburn wearing a stupid hat.

Was the food good? Yeah, sure, but that's not the point. My experience was already ruined by that fugly non-orange pumpkin.

Due to this totally irrelevant and unimportant detail, I give this restaurant one star.

Review 2:
Red Robin

We went to Red Robin for a birthday lunch for me and my niece. Unfortunately, I am still constrained by the dairy-free diet that Princess Trevor has forced me into, so my menu selections were limited somewhat. Plus, I was feeling pretty fat from eating a lot of junk food recently, so I decided to go with a salad.

They had one salad that looked really good and I figured if I got it without the cheese on it, I would be safely dairy free. So I ordered it and specified no cheese.

When my salad arrived, it had no toppings whatsoever on it. Literally just a plate of lettuce with blackened chicken and balsamic vinaigrette on the side.

The waitress came by the table to ask how everything was, and I pointed at my sad salad. She immediately recognized the problem and went to the kitchen to retrieve a plate full of all the salad fixins that had been left off my plate (somehow, the "no cheese" directive had been misinterpreted to mean "no toppings at all"). She was back within thirty seconds, and my salad became delicious.

But still ... for like 1.5 minutes there I had a salad that was just lettuce, chicken, and dressing.

It was awful. I still wake up at night sometimes remembering it.

Due to this minor error which was swiftly corrected, I give this restaurant one star.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, because it was my birthday, they sang their birthday song and gave me and my niece each a free ice cream sundae (which cost no money and was free and also did not require payment).

I CAN'T EAT ICE CREAM YOU ASSHOLES; I'M ON A DAIRY FREE DIET. WTF am I supposed to do with a free birthday ice cream sundae???! I gave it to Audrey to eat instead while I sat there in sadness. Worst birthday ever. I'm changing my review from one star to ZERO STARS.

Review 3: 
Crockett's Pub

We went to this local eatery for breakfast one day, and once again I was subjected to the misfortune of not being able to eat dairy. Do you know how sad breakfast can be without dairy? No butter, no milk, no whipped cream on waffles, no coffee creamer, no cheese. Pathetic.

Well anyway, I looked through the menu and decided that my smartest choice would be to get an omelette, since they usually have enough ingredients that I won't miss the ones I can't have. The omelette that I ordered came with avocado, tomato, bacon, scallions, some other stuff probably, and then a healthy dose of Gruyere cheese.

Of course, I had to order it without the Gruyere cheese.

It tasted okay without it, but I know it would have been way better with the cheese on it. I'm really disappointed with how it turned out. Also, I'm disappointed that my decaf coffee had to be consumed black, and I'm disappointed that I couldn't share any of Audrey's cinnamon Belgian waffle with whipped cream on it.

Due to my own dietary restrictions and the negative impact they had on the deliciousness of my meal, I give this restaurant one star.

What do you think, guys? Do I have a future as a restaurant critic? You don't have to answer; I already know I'd be great at it.

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