I'm back to work now, my maternity leave having ended a week ago. This is why there haven't been any posts in so long -- life is absolutely frantic chaos at present, and will be until we get a better routine in place.
But, being back to work means that I am now relying on the double electric hands-free breast pump to get the milk out of me, rather than relying on sweet little Trevor.
Can you guess which one I prefer?
Pumping milk out isn't exactly a 100% clinical endeavor. It requires your body to cooperate and produce the necessary hormones in order to work properly. If you're overly stressed, cortisol will prevent milk from letting down. If you're completely distracted, it will take longer for the pump to convince your body to let loose the milk torrent. Because if it were super easy to get milk flowing, we'd all be soaking through our shirts constantly.
Nope, in order to pump milk successfully, I've discovered that what I really need is some high quality video assistance.
Porn, essentially. Pumping porn.
The frighteningly close analogy between pumping milk and, uhhmmm, 'enjoying oneself privately' occurred to me yesterday, as I turned on the pump and then immediately watched a video of Trevor smiling at me while I played peek-a-boo with him. As soon as the video started, I smiled at Trevor's sweet face, felt my heart fill with love, and then felt the milk start to do its thing in response to the flood of oxytocin.
And I thought, "my god, this is exactly like watching porn."
If I didn't have the video, I would have to resort to closing my eyes and picturing Trevor doing whatever it is babies do when they're hungry and require milk.
This random internet baby knows what's up.
Or maybe I could read some milk letdown literotica?
The baby was hungry, that much was clear. It had been hours since he last ate. He let out a sharp cry, turning his head roughly to one side with his toothless mouth open, rooting, but was left frustrated. He stuck his tongue out, and then immediately clamped his mouth around his own closed fist, sucking aggressively.
Do you think there's a market for stuff like this? I could write more.
And then there are the videos themselves. I have three of them, and I often watch more than one to get the milk flowing well before moving on to other tasks (once it starts, you don't really need to pay attention anymore and can just let the pump do its thing). The three I have are very different, and they appeal to me in different ways. There's the peek-a-boo one, which makes me feel very happy and loving because he's doling out smiles and cooing like the cutest baby on earth:
Ohhh boy, here comes that oxytocin!
And then there's the other "chatty cathy" video of him, where he spends the video making baby talking sounds before shoving his fist in his mouth:
Fist-in-mouth is Trevor's preferred means of telling me he's hungry.
And then there's video 3, which is just pure hunger. He's crying a bit, opening his mouth wide, and sticking his tongue out. I always watch this video second, after letting one of the others get me in the mood first.
The sound of a baby crying, of course, being famous for causing milk letdown in lactating women.
The problem now is that I'm starting to get sick of these same videos. They aren't really doing it for me anymore -- I've watched them too many times. I need more variety. I need to make new videos.
I need to catch him when he's super hungry and rooting around on whatever is nearby. Crying. Sucking on his fist.
And I need videos of him being really cute and sweet -- making faces in his sleep, smiling at his toys, telling me all about his day in that precious little baby way ...
I need to store all these videos in a folder on my phone.
And oddly, I feel like I then need to hide this folder so that people can't find it when idly browsing. Because it's my porn stash, and it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY I HAVE SO MANY VIDEOS OF HUNGRY BABIES ON MY PHONE LEAVE ME ALONE YOU NOSY BITCH.
IT'S PERFECTLY LEGAL STOP HASSLING ME.
Bodies are weird, man. Weird.