The current state of baby names

I'm going to tread carefully on this one and make my examples as absolutely over-the-top-stupid as possible. So if you see your kid's name ridiculed here, please know that 1) I didn't do it on purpose, and 2) your kid probably has a f**king ridiculous name and that's your fault, not mine.

I think we've all noticed baby names going off something of a cliff in recent years. As my generation -- the generation of 6 Jennifers and 5 Jessicas per class -- grows up and has kids, we are desperate to give our kids unique and interesting names that will let them achieve maximum creative potential, while also not having to be known as "Michael H" all the way through to adulthood because dammit, there are too many Michaels.

Let me be clear: I am all in favor of interesting names. I don't think anyone consciously chooses to name their kid the same thing that everyone else is naming theirs, and so in our attempts to be unique, we come up with some new stuff that is pretty solid. Remember when "Madison" was a straight-up crazy thing to name a kid? Well, now it's quite popular, and I like it. If nobody took risks, we'd never come up with anything interesting and original.

However, where things start to really go wrong is when the parents' only goal IN THE WORLD is to give their kid a name that nobody else has. No matter what. Here are a few of the ways that the wheels come off the naming bus -- things that we should maybe think about trying to avoid:

1

Take a name we all know and love, but spell it like a drunk toddler coughing up Scrabble pieces

There once was a girl named Ashley. And she had a friend named Ashleigh. And there also was a girl named Ashlee, because why not.

These names are all pronounceable. Good for them. You can play with spelling to your heart's content and you won't hear a peep from me.

Except can someone tell me how in all the high holy f**k you're supposed to pronounce "Meeirrheah"?

No, no it isn't. It's pronounced "my parents are assholes."

If you want to give your kid a name that is wholly unpronounceable, go ahead: just remember that every substitute teacher is going to hopelessly sound out something that rhymes with "diarrhea" while every reservation they make over the phone FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES is going to be misspelled.

But hey, they'll be the only Meeirrheah in the class! WORTH IT.

2

Going with a nice ethnic name ... for an ethnicity you have nothing to do with

People from other countries get to have the best names. Seriously. Have you ever met someone who's legit Irish, like Gaelic-is-their-first-language Irish? They get to have names like Baird and Balfour and Aingeal and Rhoswen. 

You know who doesn't get to have those names? PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IRISH EVEN A LITTLE BIT. 

I don't get to name my kid Nefertiti just because I studied Egypt in school and thought it was neat. That's why most white people make terrible rappers, and 100% of white French Canadians make terrible rappers. Even though you like it, doesn't mean it suits you.

These guys love rap music though!

My rule: if you don't have a last name from that ethnicity or at least have a grandparent with some vague connection to "the old country," then don't name your kid Agnieszka just because your uncle went to Poland one time and liked the food. You aren't Polish, and neither is your kid. (unless you are actually Polish, in which case you should feel free to name your kid Agnieszka or Malgorzata or even Grzegorz. I will never be able to pronounce them, but I will think they are cool because z doesn't show up nearly enough in regular-old American-sounding names.)

3

That's not a name; that's a word

Gwyneth Paltrow's kid is named Apple. Michael Jackson's kid goes by Blanket. Somewhere out there, someone is having a kid and naming it Shoulder, I guarantee it.

These are not names. These are words. You can't just glance around the hospital room after giving birth and be like "uhhh ... her name is ... Blinds!" I mean, I guess you can, but that's a pretty dick move. Similarly, please don't look at your child and think "having this child has already brought me happiness! Therefore I shall name him Happiness!" Happiness is not a name. It is a noun.

Don't try to turn objects into names. Objects in other languages are equally bad, especially if you don't know what they actually mean (like the infamous example of people naming their daughters "Latrina" because they don't realize that LATRINA IS SPANISH FOR F**KING TOILET YOU STUPID ASSHOLE).

Plenty of "things" have become names over the years, like Olive, Lily and various other flowers, and intangible concepts like Charity and Temperance. These are acceptable, known names. Somebody else made that happen for you, and you should thank them. But please, please don't try to be the guy that turns "Frame" into a name for an actual human. It isn't. It's something you put a picture into.

4

Replacing letters with other letters -- thereby turning the name into soup -- because why the f**k not?

This is more insidious than the whole coughing-up-Scrabble-pieces thing. These names are still pronounceable, and you know what name was intended, and yet you still want to punch the parent right in the face for this enormous act of douchery.

When I see names where every single vowel has been turned into a Y, my eyes cross and I throw up. I also throw up when I see a name where an f has arbitrarily been switched with a ph, clearly just for the parents' shits and giggles. "Stephanie" is a lovely name. Typing "Styfyny" just made me pass out for six hours.

When I say this name in my head, my jaw feels clenched the entire time. This gives me an overpowering urge to bite the living shit out of the next person I see.

Armed with these simple guidelines, go forth and give your children unique and interesting names! Call them things like Addison and Harper and Mason and Colton. I don't think I've ever actually met someone with any of those names, and yet they're all in the Top 50 names given in 2012. That's awesome.

And if you name your kid "Mykjynzsy" (pronounced Mackenzie, obvs), I'm coming to your house and slapping you fifty times straight.

Oh, and since I promised you that Jesse and I had come up with the best name ever, here it is:

Phartholomew.

It's pretentious, it's misspelled, and of course, the natural nickname isn't a name but an object. Well, not so much an 'object' as an 'object OF RIDICULE.'

If we ever manage to make a son, we're naming him Phartholomew. And when he finally makes it to store manager at the local McDonalds at the age of 43, he's going to look like this:

And for those who know our last name, go ahead and say his full name out loud.

That is why I could not stop giggling.

It's still not as bad as Latrina, though, which is a real name that actual people have to introduce themselves with and put on top of their resumés. 

F**k.

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Friday Poundings: 100th Post! Let's complain about stuff!!!

You know what's been grinding my gears this week? Of course you don't -- I haven't told you yet. But there are two things specifically that are making me want to punch a wall this fine day:

Let's draw conclusions about Global Warming!

Global warming/climate change is real, and it's caused by humans. Unless it isn't. Whatever; I don't care. At least I certainly don't care enough to research and write a blog post about it. And if I did, none of you would read it, because I'm just your source on important topics like projectile vomiting and what badly-drawn animals would look like if you gave them weapons. I'm fine with that.

But hey, you know what's annoying? When people make comments -- on Facebook, Twitter, or even "real life" (real life? what?!) -- drawing conclusions about global warming based on ONE SINGLE DAY'S TEMPERATURE IN ONE SINGLE GEOGRAPHIC AREA.

You know you've seen this. It'll sound something like "Snowing in the Bahamas today. Hey liberals, where's your GLOBAL WARMING now?!?!" or "Enjoying the beach here in Massachusetts in the middle of January. OH, BUT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS GLOBAL WARMING [smirk]."

Dude ... shut up. You are stupid. Drawing conclusions about something as complex as weather patterns based on one day's temperature is like drawing conclusions about an entire race of people based on that one Japanese kid you had math class with who blew his nose into his shirt one time and it was gross so DAMN JAPANESE PEOPLE ALL GROSS AND BLOWING THEIR NOSES INTO THEIR SHIRTS.

Extrapolating trends from a sample size of one is what idiots and assholes do. So unless you're an idiot or an asshole, stop doing this. It just makes you sound like a smug sh*thead, no matter which side you're on.

You don't want to be like Donald Trump, do you? DO YOU?!?!?!

Comparing countries with the US as if they're exactly the same except for this one little thing

This sh*t happens all the time in the gun control debate, just like it did when healthcare reform was going on, and just like it does pretty much every time some legislative change is being considered that resembles a similar law in another country. This particular bit of assholery looks like this:

"In Canada, there is only one murder per year. You know why? Because Canada has GUN LAWS." (plus the guy that kills one person per year is always one step ahead of the cops!)

Okay ... let's think for a second. Is this person really trying to argue that Canada and the United States are exactly the same except for those pesky differences in gun laws?! Like there's some world experiment going on in which the US is the control group and Canada is the group that experiments with different laws that have, lo and behold, led to less murder? 

Because that is idiotic. Canada and the US may have a lot in common, but they're also very, very different -- they have different cultures and different histories that have led to totally different attitudes towards firearms. For instance, Canada had no Revolutionary War against Britain fought by armed militias, and thus no Second Amendment and no strong, deep, borderline-religious ties to that ol' right to bear arms. Kind of important.

And culture? Picture a Canadian gang member. Just go ahead and conjure up that image. 

Is this what you came up with?

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES; SHE'S GOT A HOCKEY STICK!

Apologies to all my Canadian relatives. I'm a US citizen now, and as such, I have forsaken you.

They're not the same country, y'all. Once again, if you're going to argue a point, at least make some half-hearted effort to go beyond the laziest, stupidest kind of debate tactics.

BUT THAT'S ENOUGH RANTING! Because guess what??! This is the 100th post in Double-Headed Shart Attack! Woohoooooooo!!!! Here is the number 100 made entirely out of pictures from this blog:

CAN YOU IDENTIFY THEM ALL??

And just so you know, Monday's post will examine the current state of baby names. In discussing it, Jesse and I came up with the most epic baby name of all time. So epic, in fact, that after we came up with it I couldn't sleep for like two hours because I kept thinking about it and laughing hysterically.

NONE OF YOU BETTER STEAL IT.

I'M GIVING IT TO ALL MY KIDS. THEY WILL JUST HAVE TO BE NUMBERED LIKE GEORGE FOREMAN'S OFFSPRING.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT'S CALLED "GOOD PARENTING."

More ill-conceived commercials! Pop Tarts, Enbrel, Papa John's

This Sunday is the Superbowl, so I figured I'd better get these commercials covered before a whole new set of crap rolls in. Let's see what products the idiots at the ad agencies want us to buy, and the foolish ways they try to make this happen:

Pop Tarts Holocaust 

(watch it here)

I've met a lot of vegetarians in my day, and they tend to have a pretty wide array of reasons why they've elected not to eat meat. But a high percentage of them have gone the vegetarian route at least partly because they don't like the idea of making other living creatures suffer just so they can eat them, particularly when it isn't absolutely necessary for them to do so.

I've also met a lot of people who aren't vegetarian but refuse to eat lobster. Why? Because the best way to cook lobster is to drop it into a pot of boiling water while it's still alive, boiling it to death. They find this idea so stomach-turning that they'd rather just not eat it at all.

And also, let us not forget that old-time Greek method of torturing people to death called the Brazen Bull. What they'd do was load people up into a big bronze bull and then light a fire under it, roasting them to death. Most people would not consider this a pleasant way to go.

With all that in mind, can anyone explain this Pop Tarts commercial to me?

First, two FULLY ALIVE AND SENTIENT pop tarts enter what they believe to be a photo booth. One of them produces a quarter out of god-knows-where and drops it into a coin slot:

They begin smiling and being silly, waiting for their picture to be taken:

You see the coils of the toaster around them turning red, and they begin to get concerned about how long it is taking for their picture to be taken. They point out that it's getting hot:

OH HAHA IT ISN'T A PHOTO BOOTH AT ALL!

It's a toaster where they are being slow-roasted to death so that some sadistic assholes can eat them. THAT'S HILARIOUS!!! It reminds me of how the Nazis would tell the Jews they were just going to take a shower, but then in reality they would gas them to death!

OMG KELLOGG I WANT A POP TART SO BAD RIGHT NOW.

Enbrel Commercial with Phil Mickelson

(watch a bootleg version here)

I don't know what Enbrel does. It's a medicine of some kind, but I don't really know what disease it's for. I've seen the commercial, but I absorbed absolutely nothing.

Why?

Here's why:

PHIL MICKELSON HAS CRAZY EYES.

Is he even a good golfer, or did he just stare down anyone who was like "the ball didn't go in the hole!" until they changed their story?

He doesn't blink a single time throughout the entire commercial, daring you to break eye contact. I, for one, don't have that kind of courage. He's like the Hypno-toad on Futurama.

I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my ... train of ... thought ...



(several hours later, after waking up naked in a ditch with a severe head injury, a blood-soaked rag tied around my neck and a matched pair of human hands fashioned into a set of nunchucks)

I ... ummm ... so, let's continue this, shall we?

Papa John's commercial with Peyton Manning

(watch it here)

I ... ummmm ... this commercial is ...

Sorry. Focusing now. In this commercial, Peyton Manning is suffering from some sort of severe brain damage, and Papa John is too nice to say anything about it so he just goes along with it when ...

Sorry, I mean, gosh, I don't know why I'm having such a hard time concentrating ...

... I mean, Papa John goes along with it when Peyton can't keep track of the difference between 1 million and 2 million free pizzas. So they agree to ...