The pros and cons of breastfeeding: a totally non-medical and non-health related journey

So everyone already knows that from a purely health perspective, "breast is best." Like if the only variable involved in the decision was "which is better for my child's health?", breast would win because breastmilk comes from humans and formula comes from cows and human babies obviously do better with human milk than with cow's milk.

But there are WAY more variables involved than that.

I was not able to breastfeed my daughter successfully. It just didn't work out for us. My supply was jacked up and I had terrible anxiety and stress about it, which made supply even worse. My commitment to breastfeeding her even when it clearly was not working actually gave me postpartum depression, and it was just a nightmare from start to finish. The depression cleared up within HOURS of me announcing to Jesse that I was "f***ing done with this shit."

With Trevor, however, things have been going pretty great (which is something to keep in mind for anyone else who struggled with breastfeeding their first child. Second kid might be a whole different ballgame). 

Because of this, I have an excellent standard of comparison, since I've both formula-fed and breast-fed kids within a couple years of each other. And based on these experiences, here are the pros and cons of breastfeeding:


PRO: You have a "shut up and calm your ass down" button attached to your body

This may sound cold-hearted, but seriously -- having the ability to silence your baby during even the most insane crying jags is f***ing invaluable. I'm not talking about normal baby wahh wahh I'm bored and my foot is cold crying -- I'm talking about the crying they do when they've just gotten three shots in five seconds, or if they're extremely overtired to the point where they cannot pull themselves back from the abyss. This is the type of crying that makes parents lose their minds, because it is so loud and hopeless and there's just not much you can do about it.

But there is. Stick a boob in their mouth, and it's like the whole thing never happened.

Trevor is 4 1/2 months old, and I can still reliably use a boob to calm him down and put him to sleep when he's worked up. With Audrey, we used a binkie, which worked sort of, most of the time. But the boob works 100% of the time.

I like those odds.

Even at a crowded family gathering full of people, excitement, and noise, I still managed to get him to take like a two-hour nap with some help from tit wizardry.

CON: Your wardrobe will be extremely limited

You need to be able to get to your boobs easily at all times. Some people wear regular t-shirts and just pull them up to get the boob out. I salute these people.

I cannot/will not/don't understand how it is possible to do this.

I wear nothing but open-front cardigans or a zippered hoodie with nursing tanks (which unsnap at the shoulder so you can pull down and reveal boob). I will continue to wear nothing but this until Trevor has been weaned.

I have all these great sweater-dresses sitting in my closet that just won't be making an appearance until next year. Can you imagine trying to get to a boob while wearing a sweater dress?! Good grief!

Also, nursing tanks are at least $20 each. Because of course they are. F***ers.



PRO: Impossible to overfeed, so there's no anxiety on that front

Overfeeding a formula baby is not only possible, it's pretty easy to do. Babies are greedy little bastards, and they can suck down a bottle in the blink of an eye and still come at you wanting more. Audrey was fat as hell when she was a baby. I mean look at her -- she looked like Chris Farley.

FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT

But you can't overfeed a baby at the breast. Literally cannot be done. So you can just shove a boob in their mouth whenever, and it's all good. With all the possible anxieties that come with being a new parent, it's pretty sweet to be able to avoid one.



CON: It is totally possible to underfeed a breastfed baby, though, so there's that anxiety finding its way back in

I don't think any breastfeeding mother has ever NOT googled "how can I tell if my breastfed baby is getting enough?" Googling this is a rite of passage.

And you don't really stop worrying about it unless your baby is visibly fat. But even then, you'll manage to worry whether your supply will be able to keep up with your baby's growth -- "sure they're fat now, but will they STAY fat?"

This sucks. This anxiety is terrible. It still plagues me to a degree, though not as badly now that I've given full permission for formula to fill any gaps left by my own milk supply. But with Audrey, it was this particular anxiety that eventually spelled death for our breastfeeding relationship.



PRO: It's free!

THE PRICE IS RIGHT BITCHES. Obamacare now even forces insurance to pay for pumps! YEAHHHHHH!

This is especially meaningful if your child has special dietary needs that mean special fancy expensive formula. My boobs are saving us hundreds of dollars a month.



CON: No matter where you are or what you're doing, the milk has to come out of you on schedule

I had to bring my pump to my brother's wedding, where I sat in the bridal suite with my dress around my waist TWICE as I pumped milk out. This was not convenient.

I also got to eat a PB&J sandwich because I still can't eat dairy (thanks TREVOR) so I didn't want to risk showing up starving to the wedding and not being able to eat anything there.

I had to leave a work Christmas party early because my boobs were like "time to go!" and I had left my pump at the office. This was not convenient.

When Jesse and I were in the middle of packing and moving houses, I had a series of alarms set on my phone and when the alarm went off, I had to drop everything and go pump for 20 minutes. I pumped in the car, I pumped sitting on the floor in our cold and empty old house, and I pumped while I was IN THE F***ING ZONE PACKING AND I HATE STOPPING WHILE I'M IN THE ZONE! This was not convenient.

I pumped in the middle of the locker room at an LA Fitness because my car was getting a trailer hitch installed. This, too, was not convenient.

You can't just leave the milk in there. It must come out, whether it's convenient for you or not. And you really can't pump in a public bathroom, as the pump itself needs somewhere to sit and then the whole process is meant to be as sterile and sanitary as possible. Setting my pump in a puddle of pee on a bathroom floor and then filling bottles carefully on my lap and hoping I don't accidentally drop them in the toilet is not very sterile or sanitary.

So, so many people walked in on me while I was pumping at my brother's wedding. Sorry guys.


PRO: You can feed your baby in the night without even waking up all the way

This one is gold, Jerry. Gold.

Baby gets hungry in the night. Do I have to get up, let the tap run long enough for the water to get hot, turn on a light at least bright enough to mix a bottle of formula, and then sit up and feed this bottle to the hungry baby, like we did with Audrey?

NOPE. I just whip out a boob and give it to him. He eats and we both immediately go back to sleep.

Awesome.


CON: If the equipment malfunctions, you're kind of screwed

The "equipment" includes both your pump and your boobs themselves. If the pump breaks while you're at work, well I hope you work close to a Target because your ass is heading over there immediately to buy a new pump. Oh yeah, and they're like $300. You could always just buy a manual pump (for $40) and use that until Medela customer service can overnight you a new pump ... except lol that manual pump takes forever and is a giant pain in the ass. Thankfully, the equipment is reliable, but ... shit happens.

And your boobs can malfunction too! Joy of joys!!! Last week mine decided that they weren't really feeling the pump anymore at work. Weren't into it. Just wouldn't let down, no matter what, no matter how many baby videos I watched, no matter how many kumbayas I sang. I literally had to call in sick for a day and a half because my boobs were having technical difficulties. How is that even something that happens.

Also, they're doing it again right now. What the f***, you f***ers. You have one job.


PRO: It's relaxing and you can look at your phone while you do it

Have you ever tried to feed a baby a bottle and look at Facebook on your phone at the same time? Can't be done!

Breastfeeding and Facebooking, though? They were made for each other! Plus, breastfeeding baby releases lots of happy brain chemicals that make you feel awesome and relaxed. It's pretty sweet if you can make it work.


CON: You still have to watch what you eat and drink

Want to get wasted? Ha! Good one!

Want to drink a bunch of coffee? Well, I hope you like caffeinated babies because that shit comes out in breast milk!

Want to take some cold medicine because you're sick? Not today, buddy!

Want to consume any dairy products at all when your kid has a milk protein allergy? LOL TO YOU, FRIEND. LOL TO YOU.

Someday my body will be mine again. Someday.


PRO: Impossible to forget boobs at home

You can leave the house without your diaper bag, without a stroller, without any of the things you need to care for your baby. But you cannot forget your boobs. God saw to the impossibility of that.

So no matter what, at least you can always FEED your little one. Borrow diapers from a stranger, or use a paper towel or something. I dunno, you're smart. You'll figure it out.



CON: Very possible to forget your pump, pump parts, storage bottles, breastfeeding cover, breastfeeding cushion, nipple shields if you need them, absorbent nursing pads, cooler, ice pack ...

A lot of this stuff isn't strictly necessary -- like the breastfeeding cushion or cover, for example -- but you'll be a lot happier if you have them than if you don't.

And the pumping supplies are necessary, at least if you're going to be away from baby for a while. Just yesterday I forgot my storage bottles, and was actually contemplating putting pumped breastmilk into an old Gatorade bottle before realizing I'm a moron and I just needed to go back home and get the bottles.

Of course, even if you're formula feeding, you can still forget all the stuff you need to feed your baby, so nobody's really safe from this unless they're not stupid. But we're all stupid, so ... here we are.


PRO: Required, non-optional downtime spent snuggling baby (and required, non-optional break time spent pumping milk)

While feeding the baby, you are helpless. You cannot do chores. You cannot get your own dinner. You cannot change the other kid's poopy diaper.

All you can do is sit on the couch and snuggle your baby. It's a hard life.

Even pumping is a required break. While Jesse and I were moving, I called my pumping breaks my "union-mandated rest period" because it was not optional and meant I got to play on my phone instead of lifting furniture.

Sweet.


CON: You WILL cry over spilled milk

Last night, I had to dump out a bottle of pumped breast milk because it had been warmed up and not drank twice and that's already more times than you're supposed to do it. I practically whistled Taps as I poured it down the drain, and even now I can't stop thinking about things I could have done differently to have saved that milk. That milk is like a fallen comrade for whose death I will never forgive myself.

I even had a nightmare about it last night.


PRO: Boobs look incredible

No, for real. They are bomb.


CON: Breastfed babies don't usually sleep through the night until they're older than formula-fed babies

This one isn't really that big of a deal, though, because as I said, I can feed the baby without even waking up all the way. So ... I don't really miss the sleep that much?

But in a couple months, I may well be singing a different song. Some breastfed babies won't sleep through the night until they're like a year old.

A YEAR.

I ain't waitin' no year to get my nights back.

(and by the way, in case you didn't know, the reason for this is because formula is harder to digest than breast milk, so it takes longer, so formula-fed babies don't tend to eat quite as frequently. Which means they stay asleep longer instead of waking up hungry)



PRO: DID I MENTION BOOBS LOOK INCREDIBLE?!?!?!

I'm not used to this. I don't know what to do with them. I will miss them when they're gone.




So, which is better? Totally depends on which of these pros and cons carry the most weight for you. With Audrey, I didn't find breastfeeding relaxing at all because I was drowning in stress and anxiety. My boobs didn't put her to sleep -- they made her angry and frustrated. The formula she drank was relatively cheap (though compared to the special formula Trevor has to drink, Dom Perignon is cheap). The cons outweighed the pros by a mile.

But with Trevor, well ... we're still doing it, so I guess that shows you which side is winning here! Breast may be best from a medical standpoint, but there's so much more to it than that. 

Choose wisely, friends. And please don't give yourself postpartum depression trying desperately to breastfeed when it's not working. Please.

Mixing bottles in the night really isn't that bad.

Stop being so easily offended! It ... offends me.

It's Christmas time, and once again I'm annoyed as f*** by stupid people getting themselves all up in arms over stupid shit.

Time to rant about it.


"Merry Christmas"

If you think I'm going to rant about how we should be allowed to say "Merry Christmas" without offending people, you're wrong.

I'm here to rant about the idiots who are offended that they 'aren't allowed' to say "Merry Christmas" anymore because they might offend someone.

First of all, no real person is actually offended by the phrase "Merry Christmas." Okay maybe some super self-important 14-year-old angry atheist is offended by it, but nobody and I mean nobody feels the need to pander to super self-important 14-year-old angry atheists.

We say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" because it's more inclusive of people who don't celebrate Christmas. Jews exist, y'all. So do atheists, and Muslims, and Hindus, and every damn other person who doesn't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason. Are you seriously offended by "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"? You're offended that your holiday greeting wasn't specific enough, that it didn't stick it to the Jews enough?

You're a moron. You're offended because businesses, schools, government, whoever, decided to go with a greeting that includes everyone. How f***ing entitled are you. And then you have the nerve to go on about how terrible it is that "political correctness is ruining this country! Can't even say 'Merry Christmas' anymore!" No, asshole, you're perfectly welcome to say "Merry Christmas" all you want. The only person offended around here is you.

You are the problem. When you bitch about how people are so easily offended these days, you are talking about yourself.

And it offends the hell out of me. Goddamn it, there's no escape. Everyone is offended all the time and I am too! THIS IS YOUR FAULT.


Those goddamned Starbucks cups

So Starbucks decided to change their winter cups over to just a plain red cup. Why did they do this? Maybe it was cheaper to make, or their design department thought it looked best, or maybe they wanted to be more inclusive of other religions as I mentioned above. The point is who gives a flying f*** why they did it. It's a f***ing red cup.

Number of people offended by Christmas messages on the old Starbucks cups: like 7.

Number of people offended that the cups don't say "Merry Christmas" anymore: I don't know, maybe 30.

Number of people offended by the existence of these 37 people: 500 million.

If you're offended by stupid bullshit that doesn't affect you in any way ... like, the imaginary offense taken by people who either don't exist or are just searching for attention ... YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

STOP BEING SO EASILY OFFENDED. JESUS.

IT MAKES ME ANGRY AND THEN I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM TOO.

DO I LOOK ANGRY TO YOU? BECAUSE I'M NOT. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S ANGRY.

This holiday season, let's all do our best to stop it. Just knock it right off. If you read something on Facebook and it starts to make you feel offended -- whether you feel offended directly by the thing itself, or if you feel offended because the people who are offended by the thing are too easily offended, just take a deep breath and STOP. IT.

This "culture of outrage" exists because we all feed into it. 99% of these people whose offense we read about are probably just faking it for attention anyway. 

Example: the houses on my street pretty much all have American flags on them. Many even have actual flag poles sunk into the ground, which is kind of unusual in this part of the country. But I was born in Canada. So I could pretty easily write a blog post about how all these American flags make me feel uncomfortable and excluded, and maybe that post would go viral and now I'm on Good Morning America talking about my experiences as an immigrant, and you see me on there and write a rant on Facebook about how ridiculous it is that people could be offended by an American flag and people need to grow thicker skin because this is all just over the top. And then someone reads your Facebook post and they get angry too, and they start their own rant, and soon enough half the country is ready to wring my neck because of how ridiculous and easily offended I am.

But I'm not offended by the American flag. I just wanted to get on TV, and I knew that would work.

So we're pretty much all worked up over nothing, all the damn time.

Can we please all just knock it off?


... Please?


Merry Christmas if you like, Happy Holidays if you like, Happy New Year if you like, and GOD BLESS AMERICA GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO SUCK AN EGG.

HEY BRITISH ATHEISTS I BET THIS PICTURE REALLY PISSES YOU OFF A HA HA HA.

I'M POSTING IT ANYWAY THOUGH BECAUSE I HAVE RIGHTS!

HEY WHAT THE F***?

PS: Vaccines cause autism. I seen it.

Hunting the good stuff: funny things Audrey has done lately

I'm not gonna lie, you guys: I'm in hell a little bit right now. We are still recovering from the move, but recovering completely is going to take forever and the garage is still FULL of things that haven't been unpacked. The house doesn't really feel like home yet, and my commute home from work somehow managed to get worse (because sitting in bumper to bumper traffic for an hour wasn't bad enough, so now it's more like 1:20 to 1:30 every day just to get home). My evenings are about one hour long, during which time I have to get myself showered, eat dinner, get kids fed, get Trevor's bottles organized for Jesse to hopefully wash before bed (or else I have to wash them in the morning), get pump parts sanitized and milk put away that was pumped that day, give Trevor a bath, and then get myself and Trevor off to bed before it gets too late and we won't get enough sleep by 5AM reveille.

It's a very anxiety-producing schedule and even though I know it will get better (IT WILL GET BETTER!), it sucks right now. So what do I do when everything sucks? Hunt the good stuff.

Jesse taught me this technique, and it makes such a difference. When you focus your attention on all the things that are good rather than all the things that are bad, it can turn your whole outlook around.

So here I go!

Yesterday, Audrey was having a Level 10 Meltdown. She was overtired and needed a nap, but wouldn't go to sleep so I thought "I guess I will give her a much-needed bath while Trevor is napping and Jesse is out getting a haircut." So I stripped her down and put her in the tub, and for whatever reason, she just started crying inconsolably.

She's got new tub toys that she loves to play with, so she really had no reason at all to be upset. But that's how toddlers work -- they get upset over nothing and you can't fix it. You just have to wait it out.

So I washed her as fast as I could, then I turned off the tub and let out the water and pulled her out to dry her off. And the meltdown intensified, as she started SCREAMING and trying to climb back into the tub. Apparently being miserable and crying in the tub was better than being out of the tub? I don't know.

We battled for a good long while. I don't even want to relive it because it was that bad. All I know is that she was running around naked and screaming, and I wanted to put a diaper on her so that at least her naked tantrum-throwing wouldn't lead to turds on the floor. But she was not interested in cooperating and allowing me to put a diaper on her. I had to literally wrestle her like an alligator, pinning various parts of her body with my superior strength, trying to get her legs through the holes in a pull-up.

She fought and fought. The diaper stayed off. Nothing I tried was working. 

I had one more idea to test out: vocal sternness. In other words, shouting at her to knock it off and hoping that she would be so surprised and cowed by this -- I NEVER raise my voice -- that she would be still just long enough for me to get the diaper on her.

So I shouted in my best angry Mom voice: "AUDREY, STOP IT."

And what did Audrey do?

She stopped screaming, looked me in the face and scolded, "Mommy, don't shout at me."

I couldn't believe it. Here she is, assaulting my eardrums with every decibel her little larynx is capable of producing, but I shout ONE THING at her, and I'm the one in trouble? As soon as she was done scolding me, she went right back to screaming as loud as she could and waving her arms around, hitting me in the face.

It was so funny I just started laughing, which made her even angrier. I eventually got the diaper on her, and then the meltdown ended when I gave her a blue M&M. She went to sleep shortly thereafter.

Mommy, don't shout at me. It's rude to shout.



Audrey thinks that every accessory related to my breastfeeding Trevor is called "Mommy's boobies." 

So she will snap herself into the My Brest Friend pillow and announce "Look, I'm wearing Mommy's boobies!"

She will pull a nursing pad out from under the couch (where she stashed it, of course) and call out "I found Mommy's boobies!"

This morning, she got upset and came running up to me, crying about how "I broke Mommy's boobies" and handing me a part of my breast pump that she had accidentally split in two.

Also, while we were in line for Santa, she reached her whole hand down my shirt and shouted "I'M GRABBING MOMMY'S BOOBIES" which was absolutely hilarious to everyone who isn't me.



She's just started getting into more imaginative play, which is really fun to see. We were downstairs playing in her toy zone and she brought me little triangle that she had put a block inside, telling me it was my coffee. She had her own coffee as well, and we both had to drink them. No tea parties up in our house; we're all about the hot coffee. She even insisted I blow on mine because it was "too hot."

Later, she asked me if I wanted some of her "pizza", which it turned out was her iPhone (yes, she has her own iPhone; it's my old one and all it does is go on wifi so she can play games and watch Netflix) wrapped up in a burp rag.



She seems to understand the difference between being good and being naughty, but doesn't seem to grasp why being good is better. She kept jumping on the couch, which is naughty, so I sent her to her room and told her to come out when she was ready to be good. So she went off to her room and closed the door, and then returned a couple minutes later, announcing that she was ready to be good.

This lasted maybe ten minutes before she was jumping on the couch again and was returned to her room. I pointed out to her that Mommy was just sitting on the couch being good, while Audrey was jumping on the couch and being naughty, and maybe she should try being good like Mommy.

So for the rest of the day, whenever she did something bad (which was like all the time), she would cheerfully explain that "Mommy is being good and Audrey is being naughty!"

I didn't have the energy to do anything but agree with her.



Here are some other good things that have happened lately:
-- I cooked a bunch of food this weekend, so we are in good shape to have enough food cooked to get us through the entire work week. This is huge, because I have roughly zero minutes per week to spend cooking, so we need good, healthy food that is ready to go -- just pop it in the microwave and you're in business. And we have it.
-- I took the kids to see Santa this weekend, which was a huge ordeal that I'm definitely keen to not have to do again for another year. It's always a good feeling when a really unpleasant task is crossed off the list!
-- I just pumped 4 ounces of milk, which is a lot for me to pump in one sitting. I'm pleased about that.
-- I got the clean laundry up out of the basement laundry room this morning. It doesn't sound like much, but it's so nice knowing the laundry is one step closer to being folded and put away. Little things.


If anyone else is finding themselves in hell right now, join me in hunting the good things! Even the smallest thing is worth celebrating. What good things have happened to you today and over the weekend? Writing them out will make you feel better, I promise.