I'm so overly organized it's stupid.

Look, there is nothing wrong with being a little bit neurotic, as long as 1) that neurosis is mostly kept to oneself, and 2) others benefit from this neurosis.

When it comes to planning things, I am admittedly neurotic. Especially so when it comes to planning our cross-country drive, which begins on Monday.

Now, I've driven cross-country without a real plan before. It worked out fine -- you drive for a while til you're hungry, stop for lunch, drive for another while til you're hungry again, eat dinner, then drive a couple more hours til you're tired and find a freeway motel to crash at. Few days of this and eventually you arrive at your destination none the worse for wear.

The problem this time is that we are going to be driving a big-ass truck with a big-ass trailer attached to the back. And this, my friends, changes everything. Here are some of the things that are different:

1

Driving on the Freeway

In a car:

In a massive truck:

Moments later:

I would obviously survive the crash at least long enough to be a dick about it.

2

Stopping for Food

In a car:

In a massive truck:

On the news that night:

3

Quick Pee-pee Pit Stop

In a car:

In a massive truck:

It is notoriously difficult for women to pee into bottles. I'm willing to give it the ol' college try, though.

4

Stopping for the Night

In a car:

In a massive truck:

Not that that will save me from being ritually disemboweled by an insane drifter.

So, I've planned out the entire trip. Literally the entire trip. I can tell you where we'll be eating lunch every day from Monday til Sunday. I can tell you where we'll be staying the night and eating dinner. I can tell you what time we're going to arrive in each city, probably accurate to within 20 minutes.

I made a 13-page packet with all these details, including written driving directions complete with little maps to show the entire drive AND a zoomed-in shot of the final turns once we're off the freeway. Each page of the packet represents one stretch of driving -- either morning til lunch, or lunch til night.

It is sick. It's a sickness. But I can't help it -- I feel so much less stressed now that this trip is planned so well.

And you all know what this means (if you read the post about our ill-fated trip to the W Hotel in New York City):
I'M BRINGING BEER WITH ME.

AND GODDAMMIT WE'RE GOING TO ENJOY IT.

NO MATTER HOW MANY GUIDEBOOKS, REMOTE CONTROLS, OR SETS OF BEDSHEETS THIS CAUSES US TO RUIN.

Puyallup, Washington, here we come!!!

Assuming we make it, that is ...