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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Patent's Patented Approach to Food Safety

Do you treat your gut kinda like this guy?

It's okay; you can admit it. We live in the First World, in 2012, with plenty of access to fresh food, refrigeration, gas stoves, the whole nine yards. Our society is built around coddling our digestive tracts.

But here's the thing: when the Zombie Apocalypse comes and the world as we know it ceases to exist, who is going to last longer? The little fella above, or this guy?

Obviously, the scrappier pup stands a much better chance. So you should teach your digestive tract to be more like him.

Plus, surviving the apocalypse isn't the only reason to be a little harder on your guts. It saves food! Don't you know there are children starving in Africa? Watching you throw away a mostly good head of cabbage makes baby Jesus cry.

So, for the sake of baby Jesus, starving children in Africa, and your own survival, here are some food safety tips!

Cut Off the Bad Parts

Yeah, sure, the cauliflower is brown and parts of it are turning into goo. Sure, you opened the bag of kale and it smelled like a fresh diaper. Sure, the sour cream has some weird green shit forming around the edges.

Does that mean you should throw the whole thing away? OF COURSE NOT!

You can just cut around the bad parts! Just because ONE slice in the loaf of bread is moldy, doesn't mean they ALL are. Plus, who ever died from eating a little bit of mold? If you can't see it, it can't hurt you.*


*this advice is untrue and probably dangerous
** no sane person actually thinks the stem is the best part. Look how sad that pile of florets is, knowing it is destined for the trash!

Restarting the Clock on Leftovers

For those of you with little puppy-dog stomachs, the leftovers clock probably only runs for a few days. If the spaghetti sauce isn't gone or frozen by then, IT'S TRASH.

This, dear friends, is insanity of the first order. Patent's Patented Food Safety Tip on this is to start the clock at one week, or 168 hours.

So let's say it's Thanksgiving and as usual, you invited a bunch of people over but they all bailed at the last minute because they only pretend to like you and thought it would be funny to screw you over. So you have way too much turkey.

You watch in horror as the clock winds down. You're eating turkey omelettes for breakfast, turkey sandwiches for lunch, and Big Pile o' Turkey for dinner, but still, the bird remains.


Simple! You can cook it again into something else! This restarts the clock somehow, through a science that I couldn't possibly begin to explain. Now you've got amazing turkey chili to eat, and you've just bought yourself another 168 hours. Kudos on your brilliance. And if things start to look dicey on the turkey chili, just pour some water over it, boil it up, add some bouillion and vegetables and call it turkey bean soup. And start that clock again.

Expiration Dates Are Just a Marketing Ploy

You know those really annoying people who throw everything away as soon as it hits the expiration date? I HATE THOSE PEOPLE!

Expiration dates were invented to make you throw stuff away too soon so you'd have to go buy more. They are complete and utter nonsense 120% of the time. So, Patent's Patented Food Safety Tip on this is to ignore them completely.

How do you know if the food has actually gone bad? Simple: the food itself will tell you! Milk isn't bad til it's chunky. Cheese isn't bad until the entire thing is so covered with mold that you can't even cut the mold off to find cheese. Canned goods aren't bad EVER EVER EVER.

You'll have to use trial and error to really get the hang of this, but I have faith in you. You'll have scrappy little tummies in no time.

As Long As You're Going to Cook It, Anything Goes

Yeah, I defrost meat on the counter. What about it? I'm planning on cooking it, aren't I?! Why would I use different cutting boards for meat and vegetables if I'm going to cook them both? That salmonella that got all over the zucchini doesn't stand a chance.

The Exceptions

Dudes, despite these amazing tips, I have to say that there are some things that you just don't mess around with. Here are Patent's Patented No-Seriously-Be-Careful Food Safety Tips:
  • Seafood does not come in peace
Only a dumbass fucks around with seafood. That shit stays in the fridge or freezer til showtime, and if it's been out too long, SAYONARA. The leftovers clock on that is a couple of days, tops. And if it comes in an endless buffet, don't just walk away; RUN.

  • Don't refreeze something you've already thawed. That's a surefire way to turn yourself inside out.

  • Never trust food made by idiots
Idiots love to do things like serve you undercooked meat, leave potato salad sitting out in the sun for hours, and spread e.Coli everywhere AFTER cooking the food, not before. DON'T LET AN IDIOT FEED YOU!

Meanwhile, you're all invited over to dinner at my place. Not sure what I'll make, but I'm sure it will be something good ;-)

This fella is also invited!

These guys are not.

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