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Friday, January 11, 2013

Friday Poundings: Drunk guys + acoustic guitar, every time

Hey guys guess what? I made a facebook page for the blog. If you 'like' it, we can all post stuff there and shout at one another. It will be divine.

Today we're going to try something a little different. Today, I am going to tell you a story.

It is the story of what happens when you combine a guy, a bunch of booze, and a guitar. I have seen this exact same story play out at least three times (and if you're reading this and recognize yourself or have seen this before, please say so in the comments so that others can see that I'm not making this up.)

Here's how it goes down -- EVERY SINGLE TIME:

There's a guy who is very good at guitar, but perhaps hasn't played it in a while, or doesn't play it nearly as often as he used to. He goes to a party, or hosts a party at his place. Over the course of the party, he becomes drunk. A song comes on the stereo that was one of his favorites to serenade the ladies with back in the day, back when he used to play a lot.

The alcohol is muddling his mind, and he feels himself being transported back to those olden days. He suddenly misses the guitar, desperately. What to do? "A-ha!" he thinks with a jolt. "There's an acoustic guitar right here at this party, just in the next room!!!" His younger self, currently in control of his body, is ecstatic. He needs to get that guitar -- NOW. His younger self will not accept anything less.

So he slips unnoticed into the next room and grabs the guitar off its stand or out of its case, quickly tuning it to what his drunk mind deems "close enough" to what it is supposed to sound like. He puts the strap around his neck as if donning an old favorite garment and, with a look of extraordinary purpose, sneaks back into the main room where all the other party guests are hanging about.

Like a phantom, he steals around the room, maneuvering about the edges of the space with the guitar hidden between his body and the wall. He moves like this until he reaches the stereo, which he stealthily turns down and down and down until it cannot be heard anymore. If he's good, nobody will have noticed the music dying away.

Still in stealth mode, he creeps up behind his wife/girlfriend/best friend from back in the day -- someone who will appreciate what he's planning on doing. He sneaks right up behind her, still hiding the guitar with his body, and slowly, slowly, turns until the guitar is now in front of him, in between him and the back of his intended target.

He begins to strum, ever-so-quietly. The sound starts to grow in volume, and the party guests get their first inkling that something exciting is happening. They hush their conversations as the guitar strums become more and more certain, purposeful, confident.

The guitarist's wife/girlfriend/best friend from back in the day finally notices the sound coming from right behind her. No wait, now the sound is coming from directly to her left. She starts to turn, searching for the source of the strummed chords, and the first thing she sees is the neck of an acoustic guitar, swinging round her side and approaching her front.

The guitarist is crouched down somewhat, his head bowed as he seems to be watching what his hands are doing. He starts to sing quietly as he continues to maneuver around the serenadee, until he is very nearly standing directly in front of her.

And then, all at once, he completes his turn, stands up tall, and looks directly into the eyes of the person he's singing to. He beams openly, pleased as punch over the trick he's just pulled, sneaking up on her to serenade her with this song he used to play, back in the day.

And upon seeing her husband/boyfriend/best friend from back in the day like this, what does the serenadee do? Why, she bursts into laughter, of course. Fits of giggles that she cannot possibly control. She laughs and she laughs and she laughs, and the guitarist's face falls, because he doesn't understand why she would laugh at such a sweet gesture.

But the thing is, he can't see himself. He can't see the face he's making.

Because as we all know -- or at least, anyone who's had the pleasure of seeing this scene enacted before knows -- that when wife/girlfriend/best friend from back in the day turns around and looks the guitarist in the eye, he'll be looking at her like this:

... and tell me that isn't the funniest goddamned thing you've seen all day.

And that, my friends is the story of how you make yourself pee your pants by giving eels acoustic guitars.

And it's also the reason why I keep an acoustic guitar on a stand in our living room.

Juuuuuuust in case.

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