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Monday, January 14, 2013

Commercials that don't make sense: infomercials edition

Yay, it's time for another edition of Commercials that don't make sense! Check out the first two posts here and here. Today's post addresses those wonderful infomercials they've managed to shorten down to two minutes and show constantly on all the shadier channels.

Everyone loves infomercials. What's not to love?! Some really atrocious overacting accompanies a really really REALLY excited guy trying to convince you to pay $40 shipping and handling for some $10 crap you don't need. UH-MAZING. Let's take a look.


Flex Seal 
(commercial here)

Not to be confused with Flexi-Seal (which is a "fecal management system" designed to keep you from uncontrollably sh*tting your hospital bed -- in other words, an anal catheter), Flex Seal is a pretty neat product that lets you spray rubber that seals ... and can flex. Incidentally, this would also work to keep you from uncontrollably sh*tting the bed, though it would be a temporary solution at best.

However neat the actual product may be, the commercial for it is, of course, absurd. You've got your typical really excited guy about to pop a blood vessel as he tells you how amazing his product is and how it will revolutionize your life. He then goes on to show you just a few of the ways that Flex Seal is going to turn your whole life around.

First, he shows you how you can use it to repair a broken flower pot: simply take the flowers and dirt out of the pot, spray the crack with Flex Seal, then find some paint that exactly matches the color of the pot and paint it over the black Flex Seal. Bing bang boom, done!

He then shows you how you can use it to repair leaky roofs and gutters and whatnot, but that's boring. I WANT TO SEE THE GRAND FINALE!!!!


That's right, guys: Flex Seal is so awesome, it can make a boat with a screen door for a bottom float!

Whoa -- what's this guy doing? That boat isn't going to float! Not even with a thick coat of Flex Seal over it, I bet.

Holy sh*t it floats! Burn the witch! BURN THE WITCH!

Imagine how differently history would have turned out if Flex Seal had been around in the 1700's!

For starters, America would have won that war against the British!


Space Bags Vacuum Sealing Kit 
(watch it here)

This commercial is for another great product. Are you an insane hoarder with blankets, pillows, and entire wardrobes' worth of clothing that you only occasionally or even NEVER use? Are these items clogging up your house so thoroughly that your family has been consigned to living in the attic while your 573491834 winter sweaters occupy the three bedrooms and your 353431 extra pillows lounge about the master suite?

Well, if so, the Space Bags vacuum sealing kit is for you. 

"That sounds fantastic!" you say. "But how does it work?"

Simple! Just jam all your crap into one of the Space Bags, like this:

Then, attach a vacuum hose to it and suck out all the air. LOOK AT HOW MUCH THIS CRAP SHRINKS!

And guess what else??? 


How much are they? Well, you'll be overjoyed to note that the prices are completely reasonable!

Wow, what a testimonial!


(watch it here)

Now here's another product I don't know how I've lasted 27 years without owning: WaxVacs ear wax removal system.

Are you tired of jamming a Q-tip into your brain and giving yourself brain damage every time you try to get the wax out of your ears?

Here's what you're actually doing when you try to clean your ears out with a Q-tip:

From the outside, it looks a little like this:

Does that look safe to you? F*** NO IT DOESN'T!

What you really need is a little vacuum jobber that sucks the wax out of your ear SAFELY. I mean, just look how happy this guy is while using it!

Sure, he looks twice as likely to rape your high-school-aged daughter, but that's completely missing the point. The point is, NO MORE BRAIN DAMAGE.

See this girl here, trying to get the wax out by beating herself across the head?

Classic sign of brain damage.


You heard it here first, folks.

Hey, did you like the Patent's Patented facebook page yet? WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!?!?!

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