Double-headed Shart Attack: What your favorite BOOK says about you

Do you have a favorite book? That's kind of a hard one. I think most people have several, and that's okay -- I'll allow it. I'll just make fun of a whole bunch of genres in the hopes of offending everyone equally (except for plain old everyday excellent books. Pretty hard to make fun of someone for being sensible. "Ha! So sensible! What a loser." See, that was the best I could do. And it was crap.).

If I had to limit myself to two favorite books, I'd say the first is Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, and the second is Apathy and Other Small Victories by Paul Neilan. I love them both for the same reason -- they're completely f**king ridiculous, from cover to cover. They make me laugh, and the absurd situations they present still pop up in my head from time to time, even though it's been years since I read either one. So I guess you could say that my favorite genre is "humor of the absurd." Which should come as a surprise to approximately nobody who reads this blog.

What does this say about me? Well, it says that ... I think absurdity is very funny, I guess (duh). What does your favorite book say about you? Let's find out:

If you don't have a favorite book because you "don't really like to read much":

Settle down. Nobody said you had to read Dostoyevsky. Start with something funny and well-written (any word David Sedaris has put on paper would be a good place to start) and maybe, just maybe, you'll get hooked too.

Ha ha! This book says "diarrhea." I can't wait to read more!

If your favorite book is fantasy:

Perhaps you're not kicking quite as much ass or taking quite as many names in the real world as you'd hoped to, so you've opted instead to lose yourself in fantasy worlds that have little or nothing in common with the world we live in day-to-day.

To this I say, hey, do whatever makes you happy. I happen to hate fantasy books. This is what usually happens when I try to read one:

In short, I don't really get it.

If your favorite book is a romance novel:

There's nothing I need to say about this that you don't already know. Not one single thing.

If your favorite book is a political exposé or other such partisan drivel:

I bet you're a lot of fun at parties.

If your favorite book is the Bible:

If your favorite book has lots of pictures in it:

Will you sell me some of your Ritalin? I have this 19-hour-long audiobook to listen to during my drive to and from work, and the other drivers on the road are sooooo distracting. The main problem with audiobooks is NO PICTURES.

If your favorite book is one of those super dense, impossible-to-understand, endless quote-unquote "masterpieces" like James Joyce's Ulysses: