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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

How to get the flu

Apparently, the flu is going around. I know this because everyone is endlessly bitching about it and listing all the people they know who have it, like they're Civil War deaths or something ("Aye, it got my sister, my brother, and my cubicle-mate."). Personally, I haven't had the flu in years, which is weird because I also haven't gotten a flu shot in years. The flu shot always makes me feel really dumpy for a couple of days, so I'd rather just take my chances with the actual virus. So far, so good. 

Despite my lack of personal experience with influenza, I have listened to others' bitching and learned some GREAT facts and tips about the flu. Here they are:


If you don't get a flu shot, YOU WILL GET THE FLU

Probability: 100%

The flu shot is like a protective force field, and it is the only thing that will keep you and your family safe from whatever strain of influenza is popular that year. Once you've had your flu shot, a disease-riddled hobo could cough phlegm directly into your mouth and eyeballs and YOU'D BE FINE.

Maybe some Listerine is in order, though ... just in case. I mean, a disease-riddled hobo did just cough phlegm directly into your mouth and eyeballs.

If you don't get the flu shot, though, you're basically playing influenza Russian Roulette. Except instead of playing with a revolver that has one bullet in it, you're using an AK-47 with a full magazine plus a round in the chamber, set to full auto. This game is actually called "suicide." Enjoy the flu you're definitely going to get, asshole.

While the flu shot will keep you safe from the main strain of flu going around that year, keep in mind that you can still catch other forms of the flu or even other unrelated diseases like syphilis or Athlete's Foot, so make sure to also remember the rest of these killer tips:


If you get within 20 feet of someone who has the flu, YOU WILL GET THE FLU

Probability: 97.2%

The flu virus is like a demon, guys. It inhabits the soul of one person, and if you get within twenty feet of them, then the demon can jump out of that person and into you. It leaves through their ear and enters you through your anus, and then it spreads through your entire body. And then you have the flu. And it's totally your own fault.


So if a coworker comes into work while slightly sick, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM. And if someone on the bus coughs into their shirt, THE DEMON IS TRYING TO GET OUT. The demon is an opportunist who will jump into the body of literally every person who gets close enough. The only real way to keep the demon from possessing you is to use up all your sick time staying home in the relative safety of your bedroom. And if you think that covering up your anus will help keep the demon out, think again. It won't even slow that sucker down.


If you do not put on hand sanitizer at least once per hour, YOU WILL GET THE FLU

Probability: 91%

If it's not the flu-demon crawling up your anus, then it's the germs on the communal office stapler that'll get you. 

BOOM. Now you've got the flu.

How to avoid these murder-germs? Duh, by constantly using hand sanitizer until your hands are coated with a thick jelly of antibacterial magic-juice. The true "ace in the hole" is to also put the sanitizer in your eyes, nose and mouth. The burn lets you know that it's working.


If you have children, YOU WILL GET THE FLU

Probability: 122%

Apparently, the act of producing offspring is equivalent to putting your immune system in a rusty bucket and sending it over Niagara Falls. 

There is nothing you can do to prevent the flu; not even bathing your anus in hand sanitizer while freebasing the flu shot in your bunker. Sorry.


If someone coughs on an airplane, EVERYONE ELSE ON THAT PLANE WILL GET THE FLU

Probability: 136%

Getting on an airplane during flu season? Great idea! While you're at it, why not have unprotected sex with the next five hundred people to buy lottery tickets at the liquor store? Because that's basically the same thing.

Here's how an airplane's ventilation system works: 

First, all the air that everyone exhales is collected in one giant tank. 

That tank is then infused with baby diarrhea and malarial swamp gas, heated up to a cozy 100 degrees, and then humidified to promote the growth of bacteria and spores

Then, it is blown back out directly into your open mouth while you watch Big Daddy on your iPad -- again.

Why are you laughing so hard? It's Big Daddy for chrissakes.

All it takes is one person coughing one time, guys. Malarial diarrhea gas, all up in your mouth.

And finally:


When (not if) you do get the flu, you will know exactly who gave it to you and when, and you will hate and blame that person forever and will make sure to tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW about that heinous monster who coughed near you that one time and made you sick

Probability: 158%

Smart money says it was probably that toddler on the plane.

I heard him sneezing. Didn't even sound like he was covering his mouth.


Hey, did you like my Facebook page yet? No? What the f***, dude. Now you're starting to piss me off and I'm beginning to think that you're doing it on purpose. I mean no, no, it's cool. You're your own person. A sh**ty person, but hey, who am I to judge? I just think it's awfully lazy of you. I still like you, though. A little bit. I can be civil when we're in public together.
Or you could just click like and we can be best friends again. 

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