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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

So you got the flu ... now what?

You read yesterday's post, but you didn't listen to a word I said. "Oh Patent," you chided me, "people like me don't get the flu! I am a superhuman immortal, so I can go around doing things like riding airplanes, socializing, making out with homeless people and reproducing, all without consequence!"

But guess what? You were wrong. There's a word for this attitude of yours: arrogance. And now your cocksure stupidity has led you directly into the embrace of the anus-caressing flu-demon. And so here you are, prostrated on the ground in front of me, demanding that I now offer you advice on how to handle the aches, pains, sniffles, coughs, and fever-hallucinations that you so foolishly brought on yourself.

Luckily, I'm a real nice lady. So here are the tips you're looking for on how to get better quickly when you're knocked down by a big mean virus:


Show up to work for an hour, and then leave

I know you were planning on just calling in sick, but here's why that plan is idiotic: first of all, nobody is going to believe that you're actually sick -- you've called in "sick" with a hangover three times in the past month. You want everyone to actually see you in all your snot-nosed swollen-eyed glory so that this time, they know you're legit. 

The face of an American hero.

Secondly, everyone will be impressed by your heroism in showing up, but they will demand that you go home (you know, to protect their own anuses from the demon and to protect the office stapler from your weird insistence on putting it in your mouth after each use). This will make you look good.

Ha ha, you prankster! You know you're sick, but you're doing it anyway!

And finally, this plan will allow you to spread the disease. The more people you manage to get sick around the office, the more it will resemble that mini-week between Christmas and New Years when nobody was there and you totally wore your house slippers to the office every day and nobody said anything about it. By the time you're healthy enough to come back, everyone you infected will be out for at least a few days. Bust out those house slippers, motherf**kers.


Wear sweatpants 24/7

As we already established in the Rules of Sweatpants, any sick person is 100% allowed to wear sweatpants everywhere they go. OWN IT.
Enjoy this trip to Rite-Aid as much as you can.


Shout at your loved ones

Are you lucky enough to have someone at home to take care of you in your time of need? A mother, a wife, a husband, an older child, a roommate -- anyone?

If so, one of the best ways to make yourself feel better is to shout at them. They'll understand that you're only doing it because you don't feel well, and your mood will improve dramatically as you act like a little Mussolini barking orders from the nest you've built on the couch.

I mean, seriously, it's like, what are they doing in there besides NOT getting you some Gatorade?!


Have a hot drink

... a hot drink with alcohol in it, that is. The booze will help you feel better, easing your sore throat and helping you get to sleep. Plus, it will help you get better faster, due to the fact that alcohol kills germs.

These are facts.

Odds are your caretaker will be more than happy to drug you anyway, given how much you've been annoying them all day. Seriously, maybe you should lay off a little. Or you'll have to start making your own soup.


Order a pizza and keep that f**ker right next to you til it's gone

This is for after your caretaker has resigned in protest of you being "an enormous, gaping asshole" (their words, not mine). They've told you to make your own Top Ramen, because quite frankly, they don't appreciate your tone. But are you going to make your own Top Ramen? Hell no you're not. You're f**king SICK, goddammit.

So put Dominos to work! Order in a nice large pizza and make sure not to offer any to your caretaker, aka "that selfish prick who wouldn't even make you Top Ramen because he wants you to die." Maybe fake a sneeze all over the pizza so they won't try to steal any while you're asleep.

Put the pizza box on the floor next to the couch and tell Netflix to go ahead and play the next episode of 24 (the first season, of course, because omg it's been so long since you saw it originally that you totally forgot the whole plot and it's every bit as exciting now as it was when it first came out!). Eat some pizza. Fall asleep. Wake up. Eat some more pizza. Keep working on that pizza, piece by piece, nap by nap, until it's gone.

Hell, get TWO pizzas! GO WILD!!!


Take an extra day, just for you

You're finally feeling better, and you know in your heart that you could easily go back to work. But don't do that. Don't push yourself. You've had a rough couple of days, haven't you? After that dickbag you call a "loved one" quit on you, you had to go to the pharmacy all by yourself to get more NyQuil.

Are you proud of yourself, Mr. Fluffers?

So take an extra day off. Go get yourself a pedicure, or a massage. Go to the mall and buy that jaunty hat you wouldn't let yourself buy while you were Christmas shopping.


After all, you never know which flu is going to be the flu that kills you. No one has ever been on their deathbed and said "I wish I hadn't bought that bitchin' Kangol hat."

Unless the Kangol hat was somehow responsible for their death ... in which case, that is probably exactly what they would say.

Click "like." Just do it.


  1. I am printing this off and setting it up in a place of honor in my clinic.

    Thank you!

    1. Haha YESSSS!!! It's important to give people that bit of encouragement they need to be jerks to everyone just because they don't feel well :-)