Ridiculous ways to die

Everyone has to die someday. Some people die in their sleep; others die of auto-erotic asphyxiation (which, by the way, is a fantastically embarrassing way to go). Are some ways of dying better than others? Of course! Personally, I'd prefer it to be quiet and painless, surrounded by my loved ones.

Haha, just kidding.

I want to die in the kind of way that makes the front page of the newspaper -- the kind of story that makes people go "wait, what the f**k? How the hell does someone manage to die like that?!"

Here are some of the awesome ways I wouldn't mind dying:

1

Mauled by lions

I don't know how I saved those people either. Nor do I know why my last words -- uttered while having my arms ripped off by hungry lions -- were against the police. I have no problem with the police. In fact, I rather like them. But apparently this is how it goes down.

Just gettin' mauled to death at Starbucks on a typical Wednesday.

2

Crossbow Duel

... SAID THE WOMAN WHO OWNS A DOG SPECIALTY SHOP. Pot, meet kettle.

But seriously, guys -- don't let people walk on you. Stand up for yourself. Duel them.

With crossbows.

3

Cursed by a dark wizard

JUST WAIT TIL THE COPS FIND ALL THOSE EMAILS! That dark wizard may know how to lay down a curse, but he has a thing or two to learn about leaving paper trails.

This particular death has the advantage of being instantaneous. I mean, being vaporized doesn't sound like it gives you much chance to feel anything. Plus, I get to eat Chipotle as my final meal.

In truth, if I were ever cursed by a dark wizard, I would start eating Chipotle for every meal, just in case.

You can tell he's a dark wizard because of all the darkness, which mingles with his hair and beard like some kind of mold or something. Perhaps he should bathe more. Nothing worse than a moldy beard.

All these sound like pretty cool ways to meet your maker. But everyone knows that there is NOTHING more satisfying than dying for something you believe in. Like taking a bullet for a loved one, or dying in a righteous war against the forces of evil. Like this, for example:

4

Righteous Death

DON'T F**K WITH ME, SAFEWAY.

But let's be honest: there's no way I'll get to die in any kind of front-page-worthy fashion, unless it makes the front page because of sheer idiocy. I'm much more likely to die from:

5

Bowling Accident

Every part of this article is 100% something that could really happen to me.

And now for the likeliest death of all:

6

Sledding Accident

The only unbelievable part of this article is that I could make it to age 34 before this happens. Sledding is dangerous (as we've discussed) ... especially now that Jesse and I bought an adult-sized sled at Costco that we've affectionately nicknamed "Death Sled."

If any of you are approached by the press to comment on my death, make sure to mention how I'm "really, really into tacos."

People deserve to know the truth.