Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day, beloved readers! It should come as no surprise to any of you to find out that I don't really get down on Valentines Day. It's alright I guess, but nothing to get your panties in a wad over. Originally, my parents were supposed to come over tonight to drop off their dog for us to watch. I told my mom I was going to cook her a nice V-Day dinner of frozen lasagna that is undercooked to where it's still a little frozen in the middle. Because I'm a romantic at heart.

But then it turned out we don't have to watch their dog, so I went all out at Safeway yesterday and got us some steaks from the clearance bin. $2 apiece for top sirloin; can you believe it? Got some asparagus too, so Jesse will be firing up the grill tonight for some nice din-din. I also bought a giant slab of salmon, because it was there, and I like salmon, and giant slabs of salmon always call to me, tricking me into buying them.

He's right!!!

Surf and turf, motherf**kers. So as you can see, we will be using Valentines Day the same way we use every holiday ever: as an excuse to eat well. Not so much the flowers and chocolate for us -- we'll just get down on some steak and red wine and call it good.

Here are some other ways to celebrate Valentines Day, though:

You could get some flowers for your honey. Even women who hate Valentines Day will appreciate a single red rose, because they are pretty and smell nice but don't cost (read: waste) a lot of money and don't take up much space. Someone at work gave all the women red roses today, and it is improving my day just by being on my desk.

The broccoli is totally gonna put out for the banana tonight.

Or you could go with that old favorite, the heart-shaped box of chocolates:

The Windsor chair knew just how to get to the storage ottoman's heart.

Or maybe you're alone and sad about it, like this lion:

Well guess what? You don't have to stay sad. Treat yourself to something you enjoy and you're sure to feel better! Like the lion, who went out and killed a f**king gazelle and ate it, because f**k you Valentines Day, that's why.

THIS COULD BE YOU.

So whatever you do, even if it's nothing different from any other Thursday, I hope you all have a lovely February 14. And here's a rose for you. I drew it myself. It took like four seconds and looks like shit.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

<3 Patent