You see, mini golf is inherently infuriating. It's made to be. You have a tiny little golf club and you have to hit a ball through a series of ridiculous and impossible obstacles, where one wrong move or miscalculation can send you right back to the starting tee -- or worse, your ball can fly off the course entirely.
So why am I banned from playing mini golf? Simple: because the game is so frustrating, I rage out and become violent 100% of the times that I try to play.
Here's how it goes:
I warn everyone that I tend to have a serious rage problem during mini golf, but they do not listen
They never take my warnings seriously, however, and insist that it will be fine and we'll all have a great time.
I do really well on the first hole
This is known as "the calm before the storm."
I don't do as well on the second hole, but I'm still feeling good about myself from my preliminary success
I know this sounds like a positive attitude. DO NOT BE FOOLED.
By the third or fourth hole, things have really started to go wrong
The language also gets progressively more colorful as the failures pile up.
By the fifth hole, some gentle ribbing results in new-asshole-tearing of the highest degree
DON'T TEASE ME WHEN I AM IN FULL-ON MINI GOLF RAGE.
By the eighth hole, gentle ribbing results in homicidal violence
By the ninth hole, I have rage-quit the game
The beer does nothing to soothe my rage, however.
By the next day, gentle ribbing results in ...
YOU GUYS I'M NOT KIDDING. DON'T EVER INVITE ME TO PLAY MINI GOLF.
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.
I'M A MONSTER.