Things I suck at -- Volume 2: Mini golf

I'm not allowed to play miniature golf. Don't ever invite me along on such an excursion. If you do, you will definitely regret it. I am not joking about this. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY MINI GOLF.

You see, mini golf is inherently infuriating. It's made to be. You have a tiny little golf club and you have to hit a ball through a series of ridiculous and impossible obstacles, where one wrong move or miscalculation can send you right back to the starting tee -- or worse, your ball can fly off the course entirely.

So why am I banned from playing mini golf? Simple: because the game is so frustrating, I rage out and become violent 100% of the times that I try to play.

Here's how it goes:

1

I warn everyone that I tend to have a serious rage problem during mini golf, but they do not listen

They never take my warnings seriously, however, and insist that it will be fine and we'll all have a great time.

2

I do really well on the first hole

This is known as "the calm before the storm."

3

I don't do as well on the second hole, but I'm still feeling good about myself from my preliminary success

I know this sounds like a positive attitude. DO NOT BE FOOLED.

4

By the third or fourth hole, things have really started to go wrong

The language also gets progressively more colorful as the failures pile up.

5

By the fifth hole, some gentle ribbing results in new-asshole-tearing of the highest degree

DON'T TEASE ME WHEN I AM IN FULL-ON MINI GOLF RAGE.

6

By the eighth hole, gentle ribbing results in homicidal violence

7

By the ninth hole, I have rage-quit the game

The beer does nothing to soothe my rage, however.

8

By the next day, gentle ribbing results in ...

YOU GUYS I'M NOT KIDDING. DON'T EVER INVITE ME TO PLAY MINI GOLF.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.

I'M A MONSTER.