Blog Archive

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Things I suck at -- Volume 2: Mini golf

I'm not allowed to play miniature golf. Don't ever invite me along on such an excursion. If you do, you will definitely regret it. I am not joking about this. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY MINI GOLF.

You see, mini golf is inherently infuriating. It's made to be. You have a tiny little golf club and you have to hit a ball through a series of ridiculous and impossible obstacles, where one wrong move or miscalculation can send you right back to the starting tee -- or worse, your ball can fly off the course entirely.

So why am I banned from playing mini golf? Simple: because the game is so frustrating, I rage out and become violent 100% of the times that I try to play.

Here's how it goes:


1
I warn everyone that I tend to have a serious rage problem during mini golf, but they do not listen



They never take my warnings seriously, however, and insist that it will be fine and we'll all have a great time.



2
I do really well on the first hole


This is known as "the calm before the storm."



3
I don't do as well on the second hole, but I'm still feeling good about myself from my preliminary success


I know this sounds like a positive attitude. DO NOT BE FOOLED.



4
By the third or fourth hole, things have really started to go wrong






The language also gets progressively more colorful as the failures pile up.


5
By the fifth hole, some gentle ribbing results in new-asshole-tearing of the highest degree







DON'T TEASE ME WHEN I AM IN FULL-ON MINI GOLF RAGE.

6
By the eighth hole, gentle ribbing results in homicidal violence







7

By the ninth hole, I have rage-quit the game



The beer does nothing to soothe my rage, however.



8

By the next day, gentle ribbing results in ...







YOU GUYS I'M NOT KIDDING. DON'T EVER INVITE ME TO PLAY MINI GOLF.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.

I'M A MONSTER.

2 comments:

  1. This is exactly why I will never attempt mini golf. Because I do this with monopoly and cannot be trusted in public.

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    Replies
    1. Oh I know; it's terrible. I seriously think that I have pointed out my superior education and physical fitness level to someone who was beating me at putt-putt before. THE SHAAAAAAAAME!!!!

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