Blog Archive

Monday, April 22, 2013

You guys are nuts. Here are your phobias.

Along with last week's post about my phobias, I asked you guys what your weird phobias are. And the answers I got ... y'all are nuts. Let's see what we're working with:


"I am terrified of balloons and the possibility that they might pop. (Mylar balloons are fine since they don't pop easily, just latex ones are scary). We switched grocery stores so they no longer have balloons. If there are balloons getting blown up somewhere, I will run out crying. I can't go to Red Robin or other restaurants with balloons and I can't go to the farmers market since they have a clown that does balloon animals. It's going to be a real problem having a kid who goes to birthday parties..."

I kind of get this one. Balloons are like loaded guns in the hands of madmen, and also they are pointed directly at your head and the madman has already said he wants to shoot you dead, and he starts counting to three but is he really going to wait til he gets to three or is he going to pull the trigger on two? Balloons are 100% like this analogy except for the fact that a popping balloon absolutely cannot hurt you. (Except it could really surprise you, which could cause you to pee your pants, and we all know how I feel about that. This is the main reason I also take issue with balloons -- my urophobia).

This one time in college, we were decorating the common room for Valentines Day, and this involved blowing up heart-shaped balloons. Well, they were really cheap, and because of the heart-shape, there were several points of critical weakness in the balloon's structure that regular balloons do not suffer from. We blew up the balloons and set them all on the couch while we looked for some tape to hang them from the walls. And then, mere moments later, they started popping randomly on their own. Like little bombs. They would just be sitting there, and then one would POP and then that might make another one POP ... and then it'd be all quiet for a while until another one decided it was time to POP. So yeah ... at least you balloon-phobics weren't in the room while that was going on.


The balloons can smell your fear, and they find it hilarious. They will gladly sacrifice themselves to give you a scare.


"My irrational fear is closet doors that are only partially open. I think it stems from the first (and only one I watched) Saw movie- there's a creepy scene where this guy is hiding in a closet and all you can see through the dark is his eyeball. Ever since then, I can't sleep if my closet door is partially open, has to be completely open or shut. As if the closet door being shut is going to prevent whatever mental asylum escapee is hiding in there waiting for me to fall asleep to abduct me and kill me in the basement."

I'm sure he just wants to make sure you don't die of sleep apnea! He's got your best interests at heart.

Your best interests.


"Fish....I have a fear of fish. It's such a crazy weird story, but a fish tried to kill my 8 year old self and we haven't been the same since."

I totally get this one too. Fish are weird and creepy. They can breathe underwater. They have weird dead eyes that don't move or show any emotion. What are they thinking about? You don't know. 

Maybe you go visit them at the aquarium. Maybe you feel pretty safe because there's glass in between you.

Look at those creepy eyes. LOOK AT THEM.

But how thick is that glass? How much stress is it under? What if you give it just the littlest tap and your fingernail is just the littlest bit too long?



"I have an irrational fear of a gang of creepy hillbillies, coming up my stairs at night, all playing different hill-billyish instruments and surrounding my bed, playing the instruments at me..... I have no idea where it stems from but it’s the reason there is a heavy bat under my bed... take that hillbillies."

Okay, you know what? I thought this one was nuts until I drew it. NOW I AM ALSO AFRAID OF THE HILLBILLIES.

Edited to add: Apparently I missed one member of the hillbilly band: the unibrowed, hunchbacked old woman playing the spoons!

She also happens to be a shining example of what a FUPA is. Terrible. Just terrible.


  1. God dammit! Those hillbillies are terrifying!

  2. Hahahaha. I was hoping you'd illustrate the hillbillies. I have to say you hit the nail on the head. Now just imagine them slowly coming up the stairs in a single file line and the music getting louder and louder. But your paralyzed by hillbilly fear. There is also a humpbacked old woman with a uni-brow, playing two spoons,in my version but other than that... well done Jamie. You've captured my biggest fear.

  3. UM GUYS. I saw this plaque in a store the other day, and I had to take a picture. And then I put a creepy filter on it. THEY ARE COMING.