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Monday, April 29, 2013

Spider-Man 2 got four stars and that makes me angry enough to punch a baby

I hate Tobey Maguire.

No, no, I don't think you understand. You couldn't possibly understand. I hate Tobey Maguire. Here is a fantasy comic I drew a while ago for this post:

Yesterday, Jesse and I were up early and he turned on the TV while I made some breakfast. He turned on Spider-Man 2 because eff it, superhero movies are a good way to spend a lazy Sunday morning on the couch. But he quickly regretted this decision, entirely because of me.

I've seen the movie before, but tend to repress my memory of it because seriously, I HATE TOBEY MAGUIRE. So despite my having seen it before, this time around felt like I was watching a whole new movie. I only watched for like half an hour, but prepare yourselves for a spewing of vitriol unlike anything you've seen before even in this blog:

Okay, let's get started: so Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker is a f**king dumpster person. He has no job, is too lazy to do well in college, is broke as a joke, lives in a shitty apartment that doesn't even have a bathroom in it and has no phone so he has to make calls from a pay phone like some kind of f**king transient. The only thing missing from his life is a severe and crippling drug addiction. I mean seriously -- if he was a crackhead, that would at least make sense. It would somehow make it understandable and more pitiable that he's in the condition he's in. But nope -- he has no excuse for being such a pathetic, worthless excuse for an adult male. GET A MOTHERF**KING JOB, PETER. A REAL JOB. Taking a bunch of selfies of you in your Spider-Man costume and then selling them freelance to the local newspaper is not a "job". You'd be better off delivering the bloody newspapers on your stupid f**king scooter. Plenty of people work full time while putting themselves through college. What the flying f**k makes you so special that you don't think you need to do that?

MJ comes from an abusive broken home but even she recognizes that she's too good for Peter. It is impossible for me to root for him, because every single misfortune he suffers is of his own making. Throughout the entire movie I just keep hoping he gets crushed by a bridge or something. Too bad he's f**king immortal, though -- he can fall like 10 stories and land on his back and suffer no injury whatsoever. It's like the movie is taunting me, making me think that maybe-just-maybe he will die and I won't have to look at his stupid face anymore, but nooooooo, he just gets right back up and is all "why aren't my webs working? Ouch, I fell ten stories!"

Oh, and then there's his buddy James Franco, who very nearly rises to the exact same level of being a f**king tool as Tobey does. He's at least a solid 97% as much of a tool. He is a terrible actor, and all he does is grin like he's been eating a diet of nothing but human feces for his entire life.

So anyway, the plot: Dr. Octavius decides he can do nuclear fusion right in the middle of his f**king living room or something. He invites a bunch of people to watch him try it out for the first time. Here are just a few of the things that are stupid about this part: 

1 -- he invents these robotic arms that are made of some crazy metal that will allow him to TOUCH THE SUN DIRECTLY WITHOUT MELTING, and then these arms are fused into his spine so that his brain controls them as if they were really his own arms. However, this invention is merely a tool in the process of his ultimate goal of nuclear fusion. Nobody is even remotely interested in this amazing and revolutionary achievement which should have gotten at least as much attention -- maybe more -- than his foolhardy and dangerous attempt at nuclear fusion. I'm sorry; prosthetic limbs that behave 100% exactly the same way that human limbs might and are controlled by the human brain -- don't you think there are some people that might want that? Doesn't anyone think this is an important accomplishment?? Evidently not.

2 -- Before starting the reaction, Dr. Ock puts on some serious tinted goggles. NOBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM IS GIVEN GOGGLES EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE STANDING LESS THAN 20 FEET BEHIND HIM AND WILL BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS A NUCLEAR REACTION THAT MIMICS THE ACTUAL SUN. Also, they do not appear to be uncomfortably warm at any time, even when they are standing fifty feet from a miniature sun.

3 -- The reaction starts to go south, of course, and everything is going to hell. The windows break and a giant shard of glass is shown flying at the Doc's wife, killing her. Dude, it clearly decapitated her. It flew directly at her neck, sharp side first. But then she slumps to the floor and later her body is on a stretcher and her head isn't even kinda partially chopped off. There isn't even any blood. Kill yourself, movie.

4 -- Spider-Man shows up and saves the day by unplugging everything from the wall. WHAT? THE F**K? How can THE SUN be TURNED OFF by unplugging it from the bloody wall outlet? What, the sun runs on 110V power from the local Con Ed plant? Did they have a surge protector on that bitch, or did they just get the cheap power strip from the drug store down the street?

Ugh. Oh and there's the part where Peter Parker tries to go to MJ's play -- he tells his landlord that "this twenty is all I have left for the week" and the landlord takes the money from him, so how did he even buy his ticket? And then he's riding his scooter down the street like some kind of mental defective and lo and behold, criminals smash into him and need some Spider-Man action. So he changes out of his formal suit and into his Spider-Man outfit and kicks some ass. Gets to the play late; isn't allowed to enter. Does he wait til Intermission and go in after that? Of course not; this movie is stupid and makes no sense at all. Then the play ends and at the exact same time that the audience emerges from the front doors, MJ (the star of the play) emerges in her street clothes from the back door. Peter watches her from across the street like a stalker, but does not say anything to her. She's pissed because she knew he wasn't there, because SHE SOMEHOW KNEW WHAT SEAT HIS TICKET WAS FOR AND KEPT LOOKING AT HIS EMPTY SEAT DURING THE SHOW. Wow, I wonder how he was able to tell her that, considering, I repeat, that HE DOES NOT HAVE A TELEPHONE.

Then some other crap happens and Spidey ends up falling 10 stories and being completely fine. But he's stuck on top of a building and his webs don't work, so he has to ride down the elevator, resulting in some hi-larious comic relief as some PR dude tries to talk to him. Moments later, Peter is shown back in his formal black suit. WHAT IN ALL THE WORLD'S F**KS? If he had the suit with him, why didn't he wear it to ride down the elevator? How did he have the suit with him? Where was he keeping it? Earlier he's shown magically changing from his Spider-Man suit into his black suit while driving a stolen convertible down the road, so apparently it's not a real challenge for him to store it in his shoe or something and then slip it on rapidly. 

Then he calls MJ to try and explain why he missed the show. Does he tell her that he got into a savage car accident on his scooter, and his scooter is now destroyed and he was nearly killed (which is the god's honest truth story of what happened)? Of course not! He's a goddamned idiot! So instead he Tobey Maguires his way through some bullshit about life being a challenge, and MJ rightfully rolls her eyes in disgust as she listens to him leave her a message. 

Then I had to stop watching the movie because seriously y'all, this kind of rage can't be good for the baby.

Also, when I hit "info" on my remote, Comcast gleefully informs me that this movie got four stars. FOUR STARS. FOUR STARS OUT OF FOUR. "This movie couldn't be any better," those four stars say. "It is perfect; a work of art that is so worth your time you should watch it several times in a row!" 


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