Blog Archive

Friday, August 16, 2013

My iPhone Solitaire game is a Facebook over-sharer

I love playing Solitaire. I just love it. It's so relaxing and lovely and I always play a few games at night before going to sleep.

But Solitaire on the iPhone is weird. It always wants me to post things on Facebook, and one wrong click by me would probably make that happen. I have to always be careful to click "NO FOR GOD'S SAKE NO" when it asks me if I'd like to 'tell my friends' about how many games I've won in a row, or how I just beat my personal best time, or how I have now won ten games without any hints, or any other meaningless and unimpressive feats I accomplish within the game.

Solitaire, in short, is an over-sharer. In fact, Solitaire is the worst kind of over-sharer: the really, really dull over-sharer.

You know Solitaire would totally bombard your news feed with things like:

Solitaire would post pictures of a bowl of oatmeal or a Subway sandwich

I've already ranted about how it irritates me when people post food pictures, mostly because your food looks gross and food is for eating not photographing ... but I get especially testy when people post pictures of food that isn't even remotely interesting. You're having bran flakes for breakfast? Oh my god, who gives a shit. You perfectly cooked your oatmeal? I can't describe how little I care. You got a sandwich at Subway that looks just like every other Subway sandwich anyone has ever gotten in the history of the world? NOT PHOTO-WORTHY.

"Time for some lunch!" is probably what the caption would say. Oh my god Solitaire I already want to punch you.

"About to eat some oatmeal" f**king kill yourself Solitaire.

You know Solitaire would be all over that shit though. All over it.

Solitaire would "check in" at Safeway with a status like "Doing some grocery shopping!"

Ugh. Solitaire, if you're going to use the "check in" function, at least check in places that are modestly interesting. Check in at famous landmarks and restaurants and mention why you're there. Check in at the airport when you're about to leave for a trip, so everyone can wish you bon voyage. Check in at the restaurant you're taking your wife to for your anniversary.

Don't check in at Safeway. That's just stupid.

"Need to get some groceries LOL"

"LOL"?? Really? How is going to Safeway funny I don't even.

Solitaire would update you on how its to-do list for the day is coming along

Did Solitaire get up extra early today, vacuum the living room, make breakfast, eat breakfast, and is now doing some laundry before going to the store later?


"An hour ago this sink was full of dirty dishes! Plus I mowed the lawn and went to the gym and now I'm about to watch some episodes of Breaking Bad before I go to Kmart to return a sweater!"

I wanna unfriend you so f**king hard, Solitaire. Your life makes me want to quit Facebook forever.

Solitaire would have constant game updates

You know Solitaire is going to be playing other games on its phone. And you know it's going to connect all those games to Facebook and set them all to update every time it beats another level.

"Solitaire won $2.51 playing Texas Hold 'Em!"

And then you'd get updates on Solitaire's game-winning Solitaire streak.

Solitaire would post the details of every single workout

Did Solitaire just run 2 miles? Hell yeah Solitaire did! 

Did Solitaire just walk another half mile? YOU BET YOUR ASS.

"Solitaire just ran .32 miles in 90 minutes."

Christ, Solitaire, my grandmother can skateboard faster than that. And she's hella old and doesn't know how to skateboard.

Solitaire, this is why nobody wants to be Facebook friends with you. Because you suck at it. Just stick with being a card game, and let ME make the decisions on what my Facebook friends do and don't need to know. I'm much better at it than you.

You f**king idiot.


  1. I'm totally unfriending Solitaire right now!

    1. I just hid Solitaire from my news feed. If I unfriended him, he'd probably start a bunch of drama over it, like a real asshole. Ugh.

  2. The worst is when something does it and you don't even know. Unsuspecting, three days later, you see your own fall and freak out.

    1. That is seriously my greatest fear. My sister was trying to get me to play Candy Crush on facebook so we could compare scores and whatnot, but I have steadfastly refused to link the game to my account. I don't trust it not to spam all my friends with nonsense about how I beat another level. I seriously think I would have to commit seppuku in disgrace if that happened.