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Monday, August 19, 2013

The indignities of pregnancy 3: The emotions are REAL

I'm kind of a hard-ass. This is a fact.

I really don't get emotional about things. Like, ever. I don't think I cried at all on my wedding day, and you should have heard my vows, man. They were epic. I had to tell my Maid of Honor to be quiet because she was sobbing during them. But me? I was cool as a cucumber.

I also don't really believe in PMS. That is, I don't subscribe to the belief that once a month women are allowed to behave like hideous monsters because "hormones" and "PMS." The physical symptoms like cramps and headaches, sure. But the whole nebulous "being a bitch" thing? I don't buy it and I never let myself get caught up in it.

So now I'm all pregnant. And pregnancy fills your body with all kinds of crazy hormones.

And holy hell, you guys ... the emotions that accompany those hormones are REAL. AND I HATE IT.

Here is a list of things that have made me cry in the last few months. (I am sharing this against my better judgment because I don't want it to color your perception of me as a total hard-ass. But I feel like I need to be honest here, for the sake of pregnant women everywhere. Plus, it's pretty funny. I cried at some seriously dumb shit.)

1. Any love song I hear on the radio, if I think about the baby while I listen to it

I've been in love here and there in my life, and I guess you could say I'm in love now too even though I had to take the garbage cans to the curb this morning (I mean, I didn't HAVE to; I just beat Jesse to it and now I want to make myself sound like some kind of hero). But listening to love songs while thinking about the object of my affection never really did anything for me. I might feel a swell of emotion, to be sure, but to CRY? Good lord no. What's next, wandering the streets of downtown shouting "HAVE YOU SEEN MY BUNNY RABBIT?" at strangers?!

Bitches be crazy.

Now, whenever Christina Perri's "Thousand Years" comes on, or Philip Philips's "Home," or even "Lightning Crashes" (it talks about a new mother, guys. A new mother. Right there in the song), I get all teary and weepy. Because I listen to the lyrics, written for lovers to share with each other, and I think about the wee little baby squirming around in my belly, and then the hormones kick in and my eyes fill with tears.

To be honest, it's f**king embarrassing and there's a reason I only listen to music like that in the car by myself. Nobody needs to see me all worked up into a state over the line "I have died every day waiting for you" like some kind of teenage Twi-tard with a crush on some sparkly vampires.

But it happens. It happens way too often.

2. Subaru commercials

Omigod you guys I drive a Subaru now. And have you seen that Subaru commercial where it's a guy with a chocolate lab puppy, and then he has a wife and the dog is grown, and then they have a baby and the dog is all old and gray and then the commercial says "Love: it's what makes a Subaru a Subaru"? DID IT TOTALLY MAKE YOU CRY??





Watch the commercial here. I just watched it with the sound off and there's a big lump in my throat now.

You see because the dog is old now? The dog is all old!

3. I cried because my coworkers forgot to include my email address on an invitation to a birthday party

There was a little birthday party here in the office for someone, and my email address is not on the office staff roster so they forgot to send me the invitation. I could hear them singing "Happy Birthday" down the hallway, and I knew that they had meant to invite me but it was just an oversight. I knew they'd feel really bad when they realized I missed the party because they didn't send me the email.

I didn't go to the party, even though I totally knew I was invited.

I closed my office door.

I cried.

Then later I told Jesse about what happened and I cried again just reliving it.

Here is a picture of me shooting a bunny rabbit with TWO (2) Desert Eagle .50 pistols, because I'm still a badass even though I cried twice in one day over not getting invited to a coworker's office birthday party:
Oh he looks innocent but trust me, he deserves it.

4. I cried because Jesse wanted to go to a bar but I was too tired to go

There is a bar across the street from our neighborhood. It was a Friday night at around 8 or 9PM. Jesse said he wanted to go to the bar for a bit, and asked if I wanted to go as well.

But I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and watch crap television, even though Friday night at 8-9PM should be prime partying hours. I was so disgusted with myself for being so old and weak and boring that I started to cry. Jesse couldn't even begin to understand why I was upset -- I mean, how does "wanna check out Wayne's for a bit?" make someone cry?!?!? But there I was, crying.

Here is a picture of me ripping a My Little Pony in half with my bare hands, because I have no soul:

5. I cried reading a technical description of the second phase of labor

The second phase is the phase where the baby actually comes out. I was reading what is essentially a dumbed-down medical textbook on the subject -- so, no flowery language or feelings-talk or anything like that. Just a cold, factual description of the urge to push and the best positions in which to push (did you know lying on your back shrinks your pelvic opening as much as 30%??) and the way the baby rotates as it comes out.

Yeah, I cried.

Here is a picture of me eating a huge steak without a knife:

I kill for the sheer joy of it.

So, in conclusion, even the hardest of asses among us can be susceptible to those crazy ol' hormones of pregnancy. If you ever catch a pregnant woman crying over some dumb shit, just ignore it. If she's anything like me, then she's probably totally embarrassed and would prefer it if nobody spoke of the incident ever again. 

And the worst part is, you never know when it's going to strike. I never got emotional  at the expected times, like during ultrasounds or while listening to baby's heartbeat with the Doppler.

Haha I drew my baby as a mummy though and I'm still pretty pleased with myself for it.

Nope. It was those f**king Subaru commercials.

And the time I didn't get invited to that birthday party.

That stings, man.

It stings.

Oh great, here come the waterworks again.

(Read the first installment of The Indignities of Pregnancy here and the second installment here)


  1. ummmmmmm

    im not pregnant and those things make me cry. And people on tv that cry make me cry (but not in real life, nope). So does the song I used for our first dance at our wedding. It didnt before, it didnt during, what the hell?!

    1. Uh oh ... if you DO ever find yourself pregnant, make sure to watch out. You might start falling prey to paper towel commercials and pictures of placentas! WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END?!?!?!?!?! IT DOESN'T!