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Friday, August 2, 2013

Pregnant nose is THE WORST superpower

You guys -- YOU GUYS!!! I finally got a real pregnancy symptom! Holy shit, I guess this means I'm really legitimately pregnant! Boy, it finally all feels real to me! 

*pats baby who is now consistently kicking like it's the f**king angry warehouse dance scene from Footloose in there* 

Fiiiiinally feels real.

The symptom I picked up is the so-called "pregnant nose." Apparently, pregnant women get an abnormally keen sense of smell, which probably made a lot of sense back in the olden days when, like, saber-toothed tigers attacked all the time and whatnot. Preggos are slow and awkward so there's a lot of benefit from being able to be like "oh damn I smell a saber-toothed tiger approaching; quick, hide me behind this bush!" before the thing has a chance to attack.

Nowadays, however, pregnant nose is not quite as helpful. In fact, it's pretty much the worst superpower any person could ever have.

Because dude ... the world f**king stinks. Like farts. All the time.

I first started to notice that my nose was getting stronger when all the flowers were blooming and I'd go out for a walk and revel in the delightful smell of the flowers. I asked several people if they were also enjoying the smell of the flowers and they looked at me like I was crazy because they couldn't smell a thing.

Yeah, that lasted all of a week or so. Now all I smell is bad things. I walk in the door after work and if the windows aren't open, I am immediately furious.

I can smell farts from an hour ago.

I'm ready to kill the janitor at work, who comes into my office to empty my garbage can every day and then leaves his stale-cigarette stench behind for the rest of the afternoon.

He is in my office for twenty seconds and the smell lasts for hours.

I can't even be around myself after a short workout, because the smell of any sweat at all is just horrible. Jesse tried to give me a quick peck on the cheek after lifting weights for a while (which doesn't even make him sweat much) and I pretty much ran away.

And don't even get me started on the condition of the bathroom here at work. There's a woman who works here who has terrible B.O. She also likes to have her daily poop(s) in the office bathroom. That smell combo was bad before I got 'the nose' -- now I have to hold my breath and make some tough choices on which hand-washing steps are considered critical.

For god's sake, there isn't time for all this!! I'll suffocate!

My favorite summer shoes get sprayed with Odor Eaters after every single time I wear them. Because feet.

Ha ha remember when I could smell the flowers outside and was like "this is lovely!"? Yeah, ME NEITHER.

Next time, just let the saber-toothed tiger kill me. I don't even care anymore.

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