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Monday, August 5, 2013

When I was a kid, I was a legit dumbass

I've been getting all sentimental lately about some serious misconceptions I had as a child about how things in the world worked. I thought I might share these with you!


When I was 4 years old, my parents sat me and my sister down to tell us that Mom was pregnant with my younger brother. I don't remember exactly how they phrased it, but it was something along the lines of "we have hoped and prayed and wished for another child, and our prayers have finally been answered. In a few months, you will have a little brother or sister to play with!"

And dude -- that shit freaked me right out. You get pregnant from wishing and hoping and praying really hard for it? UMMM DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN ME PLAYING WITH MY DOLLS? Sometimes I say things like "I wish I had a REAL baby to play with instead of this doll!"

Turns out I was playing Russian Roulette with an unplanned pregnancy at 4 years old that whole time! Holy shit, what if my mind wandered while I was blowing out my birthday candles and I accidentally wished for a baby of my own? 4 years old is too young to be a parent!

So basically, THANKS MOM for giving me months/years of stress because I thought I could get pregnant at any time if I just prayed for it without really thinking through the consequences. I think I lost a few nights' sleep for worrying about this.


Well, the baby gets kept under the pregnant woman's shirt, obviously. One of my friends' moms was pregnant and I clearly remember asking my mom how she changed her clothes every day and what she did with the baby while she took a bath. Where does the baby go while her clothes are off????


I guess the doctor has to cut it out through your belly button?? Still not too sure on this one. It's not like there's any obvious port of exit for it.


My aunt lived in a condominium, which was shortened to condo. I was familiar with both of those words, because we frequently went to visit my aunt in her condo.

So then one day I saw a condom commercial and I was like, clearly this is somehow related to condos/condominiums, but this commercial doesn't really suggest a connection. So I walked into the kitchen and scared the shit out of my parents by demanding to know MOMMY DADDY WHAT IS A CONDOM? Their answer made zero sense to me because I'm not sure how my aunt's house is somehow related to two people loving each other very much. "Protection," what the f**k?! Her condo has a teeter-totter and that thing is rad! I don't care what grownups are doing with their penises, MOM, you weirdo.


When I was around 8ish years old, my mom was taking a shower one day and I was watching my brother who was 3. I was blow-drying my hair in the bathroom and brother had put some water in the sink and was splashing his hands in it or some stupid activity that would only be fun to a 3-year-old. 

My mom came out of the bathroom and started absolutely screaming at me because I was blow-drying my hair right next to where my brother was splashing in a sink full of water. She never explained to me that she was mad because if I had dropped the hair dryer my brother would have gotten electrocuted, so I just figured she was mad because I shouldn't have let him play with water (since it's ... messy?!). 

It was not until YEARS later that I made the connection as to why exactly she was so angry. And she was pissed.


When I was 15, I got behind the wheel of a car for the very first time. My dad had taken me to the local middle school parking lot to get my first practice driving.

I put the car in gear and took my foot off the brake and then screamed because the car started to move. In 15 years, nobody had ever told me that cars move even when your foot isn't on the gas. Scared the bejeesus out of me. I'm still surprised I followed through on learning to drive.

Oh man I gotta keep thinking on these. Feel free to chime in in the comments if you were a legit dumbass as a child as well. I vaguely remember having some unique and questionable ideas on how lawn mowers worked and what happens to things when they die. These were all stupid and unhinged, so I need to fully remember them before I add them to this post.

Stay tuned ...


  1. When I was in 3rd grade a friend of mine told me that in order to get pregnant, the boy has to pee in the girls mouth and she has to swallow it and that's how the baby gets in your tummy. I was HORRIFIED. I just remember thinking "I really want to be a mommy when I'm grown up, but I REALLY don't want someone to pee in my mouth."

    Gotta wonder what she walked in on. lol

    1. I think I would look pretty differently on families like the Duggars if that were actually how babies were made. Because that's a LOT of pee to swallow voluntarily and still claim not to like it ...

  2. Haha this is hilarious!! OMG. I was definitely not the sharpest crayon on the box as a kid. I wish I could think of an example but its 6:14 am and I'm not running on all cylinders. :). Thanks for the morning laugh!

  3. I clearly did not have a full grasp on the concept that is gravity. Because I used to believe that those white streaks in the sky (you know the ones that trail behind jets/airplanes) were waves/wakes forming behind boats. Apparently the world curved to where we could see the ocean.

    1. haha you dumbass. everyone knows those trails in the sky are chemicals the government puts into airplanes to give us all cancer and keep us in line.