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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

How to draw shit babies like

Every time I go to a baby stuff store, I inevitably end up buying at least one thing -- maybe a little outfit, or a cute blanket, or even just a bib. I have a fixation on monkeys and ducks and elephants. Holy shit those f**kers are cute.

Now, I am not a terribly sentimental person, as we've established multiple times. So how do these cute lil' baby clothes keep luring me in?

SIMPLE -- THEY HAVE FIGURED OUT THE KEY TO BEING ADORABLE.

I have studied their ways, and will now share with you the key to drawing things that are so adorable, babies everywhere shall love them and parents everywhere shall spend mucho money on them.

Do you remember the post about how any cartoon character can be turned terrifying simply by drawing angry eyebrows on it? It's kind of like that, except now we're going to turn things adorable.


THE KEY TO BEING ADORABLE: Big smile, eyes closed, relaxed eyebrows.

That is it.

Seriously.

Look:

Here is an angry elephant. He is very angry.


Why the f**k do I keep trying to draw elephants? I CANNOT DRAW ELEPHANTS. PREVENT ME FROM DOING THIS IN THE FUTURE. This one just sort of looks like an old man with congested sinuses.

Here is the same elephant, adorableized:

Look how content he is! How generally pleased with the world!! And all because I closed his eyes and made him smile. He loves your baby, and your baby loves him!


Let's try it again, this time with an ANGRY SHARK:

This guy wants to EAT your adorable little baby.


And now to baby-ify the shark:

OMIGOD I WANT TO DECORATE MY CHILD'S ROOM WITH THESE ADORABLE SMILING SHARKS.

Now let's up the difficulty level.

This is Mumm-ra, the totally evil devil witch villain thing from the Thundercats:


HE IS SUPER EVIL (I assume it's a "he". Pretty feminine body though actually. Well, I'm going to continue calling it a "him" and s/he will surely correct me if I'm wrong. They always do).

HE WANTS YOUR CHILDREN'S SOULS.

HE WANTS TO TERRIFY THEM.

OR DOES HE?!?!?!


That shit is so harmless now you could slap it on a bib!


There you go, bib-manufacturers. You can have that idea for free.



For our final test, we're going to set the difficulty to a 10. Prepare yourselves.

Do you remember this guy here from the post about depression?



10 ...


9 ...


8 ...


7 ...


6 ...


5 ...


4 ...


3 ...


2 ...


1 ...





Well ... I guess they can't all be winners.

6 comments:

  1. Hahaah omg that clown!!! You are so right about the closed eyes + relaxed eyebrows + smile combination.

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    1. Yeah, my mom bought this little onesie with a pink fluff monster thing on it (I mean it is NOT EVEN AN ACTUAL ANIMAL -- it is just a fluffy pink creature) ... but because it's making 'the face' it is the cutest goddamned thing I've ever seen and my baby will probably wear it for photos while at the hospital. Oh, and it comes with a little pink hat that also has 'the face' on it.
      I am powerless to resist the cuteness!!!

      Maybe if the clown wasn't grabbing its junk 'the face' would work better for him. Instead it just makes him seem like he's ... relieving himself. Which is very, very troubling.

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    2. Haha yep it's totally the junk-grabbing that's making him look extra creepy. And what's the pasta salad thing all about? Should I know what that's referring to? lol

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    3. It's not referring to anything; just wanted to make everyone feel a little bit uncomfortable eating pasta salad from now until the rest of their lives. You know, because an insane clown may or may not have tampered with it.

      ENJOY YOUR PASTA SALAD THOUGH I'M SURE IT'S FINE.

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  2. Hot damn that's an effective technique!

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    Replies
    1. Right??!?! I knew something was afoot when Babies R Us was somehow convincing me to buy outfits with sharks on them because "holy damn these are so adorable!"

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