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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Dear Patent: When is it okay to use Siri?

Here is a letter I received recently:*

Dear Patent,

I just got a new iPhone 4S and I am so excited to finally have access to the handy voice recognition software, Siri! Using Siri can be so helpful. My question is, are there times when it is and is not appropriate to use Siri? I trust your judgment and you have never led me astray so far. Please advise.

Technologically Uncertain in Seattle

*wrote myself just now

Dear Technologically Uncertain in Seattle,

You were right to ask me about this. When it comes to orally telling your phone to do things, there are definitely some ground rules that you need to follow if you want to avoid looking and acting like a complete dumbass. Luckily for you, I am a generous person and willing to share my wisdom with all. Please read the following set of rules on when it is okay to use Siri, and if you stick to them, you should be fine!

Rule #1: It is fully acceptable to use Siri to program your GPS while driving.

Do you often forget to start up your mapping app before you start driving, and then suddenly you're merging onto the freeway and it dawns on you that you don't actually know how to get to where you're going? ME TOO!!! 

So in this situation, it's totally okay to boop-boop "Take me to Jim-Bob's Flophouse in Woodinville!" and then Siri will beep-beep back and suddenly your phone is all "in a quarter mile, exit right" and your life is good. Nobody will think less of you for this, because actually trying to manually type an address into a phone while driving is straight dangerous, yo.

Siri is so helpful and non-judgmental!

BUT -- 
It is NOT okay to use Siri to program your GPS when you're not driving

If you're sitting on your couch trying to see how far it is to the nearest Hooters, just type it into Google maps like a normal person. Don't be such a lazy asshole.

Rule #2: It is moderately acceptable to use Siri to type a text message while you're driving, if the text is very important

Texting while driving is dangerous! Don't do it!

Oh, but you say it's an emergency? You need to let your mom know you're going to be late to her Brazilian wax because there's a huge crash on the 99? Well in that case, Siri is happy to help you type the text without contributing your own vehicle to the crash on the 99.

That's really the part your Mom needed you there for anyway.

BUT -- 
It's pretty much not okay to use Siri to type a text message in any other situation

This is because: 1) talk-to-text technology is notoriously bad, so the odds are good you'll end up sending a text that looks like this:

You sent that to your Grandmother, you f**king sociopath.

And 2) Don't be such a lazy asshole. If you REALLY can't be bothered to communicate by typing, your phone has this neat function that lets you use your voice to communicate. IT IS KNOWN AS 'MAKING AN ACTUAL PHONE CALL' and has shown itself to be much more reliable than texts dictated to and read by Siri.

Also, "brick a shit" is the phrase of the day today. Try to use it in a sentence.

Rule #3: It is NEVER acceptable to use Siri for a Google search

Trust me, nobody -- NOBODY -- wants to hear whatever dumbass shit you're Googling. 

Don't be such a lazy asshole.

Oh boy. This guy's in for a disappointment.

I'm gonna go ahead and save you some time by letting you know that isn't normal.

A valid question.

I feel like I've made my point, but at the same time I feel like I'm not finished coming up with ridiculous Google searches, so I'm just going to keep going.

There are a number of possible reasons. All of them are bad.



In conclusion, it's almost never acceptable to use Siri unless you're driving, and even then it's still not really acceptable.

Just deal with it, you lazy asshole.

And maybe make some friends, because you're talking out loud to your phone's AI like some kind of f**king psychopath.

Reel it in, dude. Reel it in.

*waits patiently* .........

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