We're going to talk about adult diapers.
And how paranoia leads to adult diapers.
First, let me share with you a statistic that may surprise you: less than 15% of pregnant women will experience their water breaking before labor begins (I found this number on the internet so you know it's accurate). It's far more likely that the ol' water won't break until late labor, when you've already probably peed yourself a bunch of times so it's not like anyone even notices or cares.
This is really surprising to me, because 1) in movies and on TV, roughly 100% of pregnant women's labors will start with their water breaking (usually in a hilariously inconvenient and embarrassing situation), and 2) of all the people I know who have given birth, approximately 100% of them had their labors start with their water breaking (usually in a hilariously inconvenient and embarrassing situation).
So f**k that 15% figure -- we all know it's closer to a 125% probability that one day I'll just be minding my own business and then WHOOSH -- my water will break and that will be my clue that it's time to have a baby. And whenever I am faced with a 140% probability of something bad happening, I take precautions.
Because that "water" that breaks ... it ain't water, kiddos.
So I bought a package of adult diapers, and last night, for the first time, I wore one over my underoos when I went to bed. Just in case.
Here are a few facts about adult diapers that you may not have known.
YOU WILL LOOK F**KING RIDICULOUS IN THEM
It turns out that adult diapers are basically just enormous maxi pads that have been made into underwear through the addition of lots of elastic and paper. Mine are a size Small and they still reach most of the way up to my waist. Or at least, they would, if I didn't have a giant pregnant belly that they can't get around ... so the front has to remain below the belly.
This makes the bottom of the diaper even baggier than it would be on a normal person.
Is it as bad as this? No, but nothing is as bad as this..
THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO A TODDLER, APPARENTLY
I was telling my mother about my plan to wear adult diapers at night so there are no disasters in our bed, and she raised a concern that I had never thought of before. Probably because it's completely ridiculous.
She worried that because of the diaper, if my water were to break, I might not even notice. I might just sleep right through it.
You see, when you're potty-training a toddler, part of the danger of letting them wear Pull-Ups diapers is that they can't feel when they're wet so they'll never learn to control when they pee. You have to put them in regular underwear even though it means lots of messes, because it's the only way they'll learn what "wet" feels like.
And since I am ALSO a toddler, the diaper will prevent me from noticing that my drawers are full of liquid. I'll just sleep a full eight hours with my underoos all soaked, because the diaper will have regressed me back to when I was 2 and pissed myself on the daily.
Makes sense, mom. Makes sense.
YOUR SPOUSE WILL NOT FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE
Apparently it's hard to be sexually attracted to someone who sleeps in a diaper.
Ohhh whatever, Jesse. Would I be MORE attractive if we found ourselves stripping the bed at 2am, frantically scrubbing the mattress to keep it from staining? Throwing away my body pillow, which I love, because it now "smells weird" and will never be the same again?
At least the diapers are a size Small. Just think -- there are people out there who not only wear adult diapers to bed every night, but have to wear the size XL ones. So ... it could be a lot worse.
And then there are the practical concerns. I mean, wearing the diaper at night makes sense -- I don't want to mess the bed. But what about during the evenings when we're sitting on the couch watching TV? Our couch cushions are filled with goose down. Do I need to do the math for you?
So really, I should start wearing the diaper pretty much as soon as I get home from work. Get home, shower, diaper up.
But then I have to wonder -- when did my life take this turn? When did I become the kind of person who lounges on the couch in a nightgown and a diaper, reading a book about breastfeeding and screaming "I asked for that cupcake like five f**king minutes ago! What's the bloody holdup?!?!?"
I used to be hot. I used to be hip.
Now my nickname around the house is "the plump grump," and I can't even get mad because if I had to pick just a couple of traits to describe myself at this point, it would be "large" and "frequently irritable."
And "wears diapers."
And the worst part of it is, even though there's a 160% chance my water will break unexpectedly, all these diaper-related precautions just mean that my water will find a way to break during the six seconds per day that I'm not protected by an elderly person's shit-catcher. You know it will.
Late pregnancy, man. Killin' me.
Then once I got the cupcakes I had to decide which flavor to eat first and honestly the whole thing was just an ordeal.