Why, you ask?
Because he doesn't respond to my text messages.
Okay, so he just took over a new section at work and is generally "pretty busy," while I'm just winding down and getting ready to start maternity leave ... but that's hardly an excuse. Because the things I have to say ... they're important.
Here is a sampling of some of the text messages I have sent to Jesse, only to have him ignore them like an unrequited high five or an awkwardly-timed and heinous fart:
"My enchilada sunk down into the beans when I heated it and now it's like the la brea tar pits in there."
"I'm pretending the enchilada is a dying mammoth."
"It drowned in the beans :("
Okay it turns out that all the other texts were just me going on about the iPhone game Megapolis, which lets you build a fake city and run it however you like. My city is really coming along and I'm quite pleased with it. I'm a day away from completing my airport runway, for chrissakes! My zoo will be complete in under 8 hours. Pretty soon I'll be able to afford the TV tower I've been eyeballing, and then I can start the hard job of saving up the $490K it will cost me to build the cinematography museum.
Clearly, this is some important shit.
And then when Jesse finally calls me, it's just to tell me how he bought a magazine and then he wants to, like, read the magazine while he's on the phone with me? Like I'm just supposed to sit there and listen to him read a magazine?!? I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BATTERY LIFE FOR THIS! I HAVE A CITY TO RUN!!!
I don't even think there's any point in us going to relationship counseling for this. I already know how it's going to turn out:
Most of my texts these days are from Amazon, telling me my packages have either been shipped, are on a carrier vehicle for delivery, or have been delivered. I gave Amazon its own special ringtone because these texts make me so excited.
I BET AMAZON WOULD RESPOND TO TEXTS ABOUT MEGAPOLIS, JESSE.
You know what, Amazon? You're right. I AM a superstar!