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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Things that are gross

Fair warning -- from here on out, blog posts might be a little bit spotty. Because let's face it -- I'm pretty distracted with the fact that HOLY JESUS I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY VERY SOON.

Plus, I'm very much the plump grump. Crampy and cranky. Harrumph. HARRUMPH I SAY.

But I'll totally still post when I'm in the mood and when I have something to say!

Today I don't really, but that's okay. Instead I'll just rant about a couple of things that are really gross to me, because I am insane and extremely anal. And then we can all have a laugh.

A few days ago, some moron on the internet implied that I am not ready to be a mother because my tolerance for "gross" is way too low. That if I don't lower my standards a little, I'm just going to spend the next several months/years freaking out constantly because babies do stuff that is GROSS and clearly I am not able to handle it.

To this, I say "BALDERDASH!"  I am the grossest person I know. I once drank a whole Gatorade on an empty stomach when I woke up with a hangover, and then vomited up the entire Gatorade twenty seconds later. It was in my stomach so briefly that it tasted exactly the same coming up as it did going down. It was even still refreshingly cold. The way I see it, I got to enjoy that Gatorade TWICE.

I eat food that is so old it is starting to have its own personality.

I eat food that other people have touched, breathed on, even tasted already. I don't care. Their germs make me strong.

I walk around barefoot just about anywhere. Sometimes I step in something sticky without knowing what it is. I just rub my foot in some dirt or sand to get the sticky off, and move on with my life.

But ...

BUT ...

None of that means I can handle the situations/items listed below:

The Kitchen Sink

The kitchen sink is a horrible, awful, no-good disgusting place. I'm not talking about germs and stuff -- yeah, obviously it's full of germs, but you can kill germs pretty easily with a couple shots of bleach spray. But for me, bleach spray will never be sufficient to clean a sink. It is simply too gross for any cleaning products to fully handle.

Sure it looks innocent, but don't trust it.

You see, the kitchen sink is basically the garbage can except it's always wet. A big sloppy wet garbage can. I put lots of things down the garbage disposal, and I'm pretty sure that if they wanted to, the raw chicken bits and super old moldy leftovers I grind up in there could just crawl back up into the sink. Hell, they probably do so every night. They have parties while I sleep.

"Wahoo, it's a sink party! Let's all poop in here too!!!"

Therefore, there is only one time that the sink can truly be considered "clean": after I have rubber-gloves Cometed the whole thing out, left the Comet on there to disinfect for the full ten minutes, then washed it all off, and then carefully dried the entire inside of the sink with paper towels. The guts and moldy leftovers can't climb up a dry sink, you see.

Thus, the sink is clean!!! And it will be clean right up until someone turns the water on and then it will be dirty again because the water will give the raw chicken bits that still somehow live in the garbage disposal the opportunity to crawl back up and party.

No. Gross. If my hand so much as accidentally brushes against the bare metal of the sink, it will need to immediately be washed with soap.


This from the girl who steps barefoot in mysterious sticky things and just rubs her foot in some dirt to get it clean.

The Bathtub

If you're going to fill your tub with water and plunk your naked ass down in there, the tub better be clean first.

And I don't just mean regular clean, ol' boy. It has to be SPOTLESS. It must be Cometed out to the same standards as the kitchen sink, except maybe even more because I have orifices that will be in that water. I mean, what if a hair gets loose and floats around the water with you? What if it touches you?? WHAT IF IT'S NOT YOUR HAIR? 


Some women shave their legs in the bath. These people should have to go to jail.

Water Parks

When I was in 8th grade, I went on a class trip to Washington, DC. One of the days of the trip, we all got to go to a water park. Awesome! I loved water parks back then!!!!!

Then one of the guys in our class group somehow had an incident, and ...



His big toenail got caught in a seam and was ripped in half on a water slide, and when he was sitting at the bottom of the slide getting first aid, the water rushing past him was running red with his blood like it was real life Jaws or something. I assume the other half of his toenail just washed right on down out of there.

Try to get that image out of your head next time you look down a water slide. GO AHEAD AND TRY.

So you know what? Maybe I'm not ready to have a baby. Maybe the gross of the baby pooping in a diaper is just going to blow my mind. But I don't think so. I think as long as all her toenails stay on, I'll be just fine.

And as long as she stays away from the sink.

You never know what's going on in there when you're not looking.


1 comment:

  1. Would you like some flowers for this post? I think I know where it started, haha.