Double-headed Shart Attack: Babies look ridiculous when they're wearing ...

I feel bad for my baby, because I really spend a lot of time laughing at her. I especially laugh at her when she's crying while dressed in something ridiculous. I mean, a crying baby shouldn't be funny ... but dress that crying baby in a shirt that screams "ADORABLE!" in glitter-writing across the front, and suddenly the irony has me cracking up so hard I worry about accidental bowel movements.

Here are a few things that babies look absolutely ridiculous whenever they wear:

Jeans

Oh my god. Baby jeans. Are hilarious.

I dressed Audrey in jeans for the first time the other day, and I laughed pretty much nonstop from the moment I put them on her til the moment I took them off for the night. You see, my baby wears pajamas essentially all the time, due to her proclivity for throwing up on ALL THE THINGS. And yet, even for a baby who is constantly wearing pajamas, the jeans looked a little ... casual.

See for yourself:

No, Audrey. You look like a construction worker.

I think my baby is not alone in this. I just did a google image search for "baby in jeans" and here are a few of the first images that popped up:

I think the problem is that the jeans have to be sized so ridiculously to accommodate a poofy diapered ass that the babies have no choice but to look like Great Aunt Matilda wearing jeans. Which is something I couldn't even find a picture of, because no old woman would be fool enough to allow photos of herself in jeans onto the Internet. Imagine "Mom Jeans" except much, much worse. And that is what a baby looks like in jeans.

Terrible.

Shirts that claim the baby loves some particular relative -- while the baby is crying

Whenever I put the baby in a shirt that proclaims her to love her mommy/daddy/grandma/auntie/dog, I always feel a little weird about it because it's not like SHE chose to wear that shirt. It's really me declaring that she loves her relatives, not her.

And when she cries while wearing a shirt like this, it's like she's registering her objection. "I don't really love Daddy at all! Why are you making me wear this??!"

Sorry sis. Better luck with the next one I guess.

Dresses without hair bows

Time for some truth bombs here: girl babies and boy babies look the same, and the only way to tell them apart is by their clothing.

Also, all babies look more like boys than like girls, because of their short/nonexistent hair.

I'll give you a minute to quell your frothing rage at these incredibly controversial statements.

So, because all babies kind of look like boys, when a baby girl wears a dress, she kind of looks like ...

A little boy in drag.

Look at this horrendously unflattering shot of Audrey in a Christmas dress:

YIKES.

Now see the difference when I put a little hair bow on her, making it obvious that she is a girl:

Lesson learned, amirite?! Hair bows are a must. Just check out these other photos of babies in dresses that I found on the Internet. For extra yuks, imagine that the babies in the dresses are boys. You will be shocked at how easily your brain accepts this.

OMG suddenly I find myself wondering if the babies in the pictures ARE boys. I mean, if I'm putting pictures in a catalog to sell dresses, what do I care if the baby in the photo is male or female? Not like anybody can tell!!

WHAT IF THEY ARE ALL BOYS?!?!?!

MY ENTIRE LIFE IS BUILT UPON A LIE.

When you do their hair up all ridiculous

I mean, come on.

A mohawk? Seriously?

Look, I'm not sayin' anything; I'm just sayin'.

Novelty Hats

This one's a "duh." Novelty hats only exist to make babies look hilarious! And naturally, I buy them whenever/wherever I see them, because laughing at my baby is one of life's simplest joys!