BLAST FROM THE PAST: The Jungle Juice post revisited

Can you believe I've been writing this blog for over a year and a half?? Since most of you haven't been reading it for that long, I'm going to start revisiting an old post once a week or so. Because some of the old ones are pretty funny and I WANT YOU TO READ THEM BECAUSE I LIKE THEM. So today, we will revisit one of my earliest posts, from September 6, 2012, titled "I'm never making Jungle Juice again."

I'm never making Jungle Juice again.

Yes, you read that right: never again will I poison my body with the awful substance known as "Jungle Juice."  Even though my recipe is amazing, and even though everyone loves it and will truly miss it, it's just not going to happen.  I have purchased and emptied my last handle of Everclear.

"Why?" you ask.  "Why deprive the world of such an effective means of getting drunk quickly?  Why limit your friends to conventional drinks made without the benefit of 198-proof grain alcohol?  HAVE YOU A FEVER?  SHALL WE SEEK A DOCTOR???"

Well, friends, let me explain why, with this little story about what happens every time I bring Jungle Juice to a party.

1

I WARN EVERYONE ABOUT ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY DRINK IT

This includes:

• Your motor skills will suddenly fail you without warning, and you will get up from a chair and fall onto your face.



• You will have absolutely no filter, and will shout things you later wish you'd kept to yourself



• You will vomit in technicolor



• Vast swaths of your memory will be erased, as Jungle Juice is to a brain what a powerful magnet is to a computer hard drive. Later, even when your actions are described to you in great detail, you still will not remember them at all.



• You will get the worst hangover of your life because whatever portion of the Juice isn't alcohol, is pure sugar.

2

I IGNORE MY OWN WARNINGS AND DRINK A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT, BECAUSE BREAKING ALL THE RULES IS WHAT COOL PEOPLE DO

For example:

• Smoking cigarettes while hating everyone? Totally cool.



• Driving way over the speed limit?  Super duper cool.



• Swimming alone at night in shark-infested water? BEYOND COOL.

3

EVERYTHING I WARNED ABOUT IN PART 1 HAPPENS TO ME

Everything.  Shouting, vomiting, memory-erasing, falling down, hangover.

Hey, what's this?  Someone got me a birthday card!  But my birthday isn't til October!

Awwww.

From now on, you make your own damn Jungle Juice. And don't let me have any.

Not included in the original post but added to this one:

If you're a dumbass (and live in a state that sells 198-proof grain alcohol), here is the recipe. Just make sure you clearly label it "Patent's Patented Memory-Erasing Jungle Juice" because I have a patent on that shit and I will end you if you infringe upon it. F**king end you.

Ingredients:

1 gallon jug Tampico juice, any flavor (but the orange punch one is the best)

4 frozen juice concentrates: 2x berry punch, 1x fruit punch, 1x pina colada. You can change the punches if you want, but the pina colada is critical

1 fifth of 198-proof Everclear

1 big ol' 5 quart mixing bowl

Put all the concentrates in the bowl and dump the fifth of everclear over them. Add some juice but not so much that you can't whisk the living shit out of it without spilling.

Whisk the living shit out of it. The pina colada concentrate will be all weird and nasty. Do not be alarmed.

Add the rest of the juice right up to the edge of the bowl. It won't all fit -- throw away the last 5% or so that didn't make it into the bowl. It'll be okay.

Find a way to get the juice out of the completely full bowl and back into the juice jug plus a second 2L jug.

Enjoy!