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Friday, January 24, 2014

Friday Poundings: What if the Internet could snark on you for EVERYTHING?

Anything you post on the Internet is out there for the world to see and make fun of. I have long since come to terms with this fact. I bet there's at least one person who has read this blog and thought "this is stupid and I would like to discuss with others how stupid this blog is." That's just what happens when you put yourself out there.

But then I started imagining with horror what the future will look like, as more and more of our lives are immediately posted on the web for the world to see. Oh god ... can you imagine if groups of people could easily get together and make fun of you for ...

Dumb things you do in traffic

Don't even stand there and tell me you've never put on your blinker and started to change lanes, turning to check your blind spot (which you're SURE is empty) as you begin to turn the wheel, only to notice HOLY SHIT THERE IS A CAR THERE and then that car is honking at you and you're jerking back into your lane and your heart is pounding and I almost caused a crash just now.

Luckily, nobody knows about it except you and the other driver, and that person doesn't know who you are and you'll never see them again, so f**k it, right?

Now imagine that your flub was somehow public, and the other driver could not only post on FutureFacebook that "some dumbass almost killed me on the freeway" but could also tag you in that status, making your dumbassery public knowledge.

I guess then I'd either have to stop driving completely, or learn how to drive better. Haha so who's gonna pick me up at the train station at the end of the day? You can't teach a woman how to drive better. That's absurd.

I bet traffic would get a lot better, though. Hmmm. Maybe it's worth the ignominy and shame of having all my various idiocies posted online if it meant getting home from work a little faster!

Offenses you commit in the bathroom

You know what I'm talking about. The kind of offense that is so heinous, you should probably be sent to prison for a minimum of 30 days for committing it.

If it's in a public bathroom, I, like everyone else, flee the scene as quickly as possible and prepare to deny all responsibility. "UGH, it stinks in here right? I can't believe someone did that! That person should be hanged! It sure wasn't me though tee hee!!"

Now imagine if that shit (pun intended) became public. Someone could take a smell-picture with their phone (because the future will have those) and tag you in it on FutureFacebook with the status "looks like Patent shouldn't have had Taco Bell."

Oh lord. I would probably have to just kill myself.

When you buy something horribly unhealthy and eat the whole container, then throw it away in the outside garbage so nobody knows about it

One time when I was on maternity leave, I went to Dairy Queen and got a burger, fries, and a Blizzard. It was so delicious and I ate every bite. And it was so, so fat.

I was ashamed.

Nobody need hear of my gluttony, I thought. It is between me and God. And the baby, but she's too small to talk and I doubt her first words will be to rat me out. So my secret was safe.

But what if it wasn't, and strangers could let everyone know what I did the second I did it??


I bet there's lots of other dumb stuff I do that I wouldn't want the Internet to find out about, but I can't think of them right now so I guess I'll publish this. Let me know if you think of any good ones I've missed!

In the meantime, I think I'm going to go down to the gym here at the office and do a workout. Maybe my "workout" will be to do one set of bicep curls with a 10 pound barbell. How would you know? You wouldn't!! Egads, I hope the future never gets here.  FutureFacebook sounds terrifying.

Also, I would make a really bad politician or celebrity. I can just see it now: 

1 comment:

  1. FutureFacebook sounds awesome. They actually have an app in my city that lets you rat out parking offenses. I haven't installed it because I think it could be bad karma, but the gist is you take a picture of the offense/license plate and upload it. If it results in a ticket, you get a commission.