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Friday, January 17, 2014

Movies I haven't seen: The Breakfast Club

"Movies I haven't seen" is back!!!!!!!


Today, we discuss that old classic film The Breakfast Club, released in 1985.

The Breakfast Club is a movie about a bunch of 30-somethings who are inexplicably locked in a high school library all day on a Saturday. Supposedly they all have "detention" but I'm not sure what these full-grown adults were doing loitering around a high school to begin with.

If you're 17, then I'm 12.

Each person fulfills a very obvious 80's high school student stereotype. There's the bad boy, the weird girl, the good girl ... and, I dunno, maybe a jock and a nerd, probably?


The "bad boy" role is played by Judd Nelson, who apparently isn't very smart because he is still in high school in 1985 even though he was supposed to graduate in 1970. It's okay, Judd -- some people struggle.

Molly Ringwald is also in this movie. She plays either the good girl or the weird girl -- I haven't seen it so I don't know. I just thought I would throw in this fun fact.

Okay I just googled it and it looks like she plays the good girl. So at least we're getting somewhere with this.

Someone once told me I look like her, but I don't see it at all.

Anyway, all these people are locked in the library because they have detention, and they've been assigned some sort of writing project that they can't leave until they finish. So naturally, like anyone who is assigned a task that their freedom depends upon completing, they all buckled down and got to work and within an hour, they were finished and were allowed to go home.


Of course that's not what happened!!!

Instead, they all acted like fools and 80's stereotyped their way through the entire 97 minute run time.

Judd Nelson made fun of the nerd and sexually harassed the good girl, which was especially uncomfortable because, I don't know if I've mentioned this already, but HE APPEARS TO BE IN HIS THIRTIES.

I don't know what Emilio Estevez does, but if I had to guess, I'd say he tries to be the white knight who defends everyone from Judd Nelson's rude advances.

Lots of shenanigans ensue, and by the end of the shenanigans, I suspect we learn the following list of lessons:

-- Judd Nelson is only a 'bad boy' because he has a bad home life
-- Molly Ringwald is desperate to throw off the shackles of her parents' expectations of her
-- The weird girl is actually beautiful and perfectly normal once you brush her hair and put her into regular clothes
-- The nerd is an alright guy
-- Emilio also suffers from the intense pressure of his parents' expectations, and he thinks this makes him similar to Molly Ringwald and maybe they should date
-- Molly Ringwald is not interested in Emilio because he is too much like her and also he is insufferable
-- Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald hook up, because she wants a taste of the bad boy life (and she thinks she can 'fix' him) and he wants a taste of some jailbait ass
-- Emilio goes after the weird girl because Judd Nelson already took the pretty one and everyone just wants to get laid and also she doesn't look so bad now that her hair isn't all f**ked up
-- Everyone insists that they will be friends forever once their detention is over because they've spent the entire day getting to know each other and it turns out they're all pretty cool cats
-- They will not actually be friends anymore because the rules of high school prevent this from being possible
-- They will forget everything they learned on this one formative day because teenagers (and 30-year-old underachievers) are idiots/assholes
-- Judd Nelson will do this:

-- I will put a drill bit through my brain long before the end of the movie arrives

So, was the plot I strung together based 100% on 80s stereotypes actually close to the mark??? I should write movies. They would be so predictable -- everyone would LOVE them!!!!

Someone get me some seed money. I'm on this.

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