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Monday, January 27, 2014

Blast from the past: A rant about one-ply toilet paper

Originally published September 12, 2012. Man, look how bad the drawings were back then! They're at least 4% better these days.

I hate 1-ply toilet paper. It is a terrible, godless thing that should have gone out with the Soviet Union. But alas, it not only still exists; it exists IN OUR HOME.

As Jesse and I get ready to move, I've been really careful with our purchasing of consumable goods, and one of these tightly-controlled substances is toilet paper. After all, we certainly don't need to transport a bunch of TP across the country with us. So, one day at the store, I grabbed a 4-pack of toilet paper of a different brand than the 12-packs I usually buy, because it was on sale. Oh, you can see where this is going.

When I got home and opened the package to stock the bathrooms with the TP, I discovered that I had accidentally bought 1-PLY TOILET PAPER.

I don't really understand why such a thing exists. Is there anyone out there -- anyone at all -- who actually likes it?

There must be, or stores wouldn't sell it. So I have a few theories about who out there is buying 1-ply toilet paper.

People Like Me, Who Buy It Accidentally

You're at the grocery store. You're tired. You're in a hurry. You see that the name-brand TP is on sale for the first time ever, and you decide to treat yourself, just this once. Silly fool; you should have read the label more closely! 

Now you're really up shit creek!

Businesses that buy in bulk

I happen to like Industrial Blend Coffee, but that's neither here nor there.


It's too bad I bought the Kindle version of Fifty Shades, as it would have made GREAT toilet paper.


The only time you really benefit from getting twice as much length for the same price (ha). This'll teach that kid with the lazy eye a lesson. WHY DON'T HIS EYES BOTH LOOK THE SAME DIRECTION?!


People Who Don't Really Understand Math

He thinks saving money is more important than a satisfying wipe. Must be in college or something. Someday he'll learn that, like hiring a maid or paying for your girlfriend's birth control, certain things are just worth the money.



They just seem like the type.

Did I miss anyone?

And if you're one of the freaks who actually prefers 1-ply over 2-ply, please let me know. After all, I don't want to be associating with Communists.

Stalin will never admit his preference for 2-ply, that symbol of Western decadence!

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