Blast from the past: A rant about one-ply toilet paper

Originally published September 12, 2012. Man, look how bad the drawings were back then! They're at least 4% better these days.



I hate 1-ply toilet paper. It is a terrible, godless thing that should have gone out with the Soviet Union. But alas, it not only still exists; it exists IN OUR HOME.

As Jesse and I get ready to move, I've been really careful with our purchasing of consumable goods, and one of these tightly-controlled substances is toilet paper. After all, we certainly don't need to transport a bunch of TP across the country with us. So, one day at the store, I grabbed a 4-pack of toilet paper of a different brand than the 12-packs I usually buy, because it was on sale. Oh, you can see where this is going.

When I got home and opened the package to stock the bathrooms with the TP, I discovered that I had accidentally bought 1-PLY TOILET PAPER.

I don't really understand why such a thing exists. Is there anyone out there -- anyone at all -- who actually likes it?

There must be, or stores wouldn't sell it. So I have a few theories about who out there is buying 1-ply toilet paper.

1

People Like Me, Who Buy It Accidentally

You're at the grocery store. You're tired. You're in a hurry. You see that the name-brand TP is on sale for the first time ever, and you decide to treat yourself, just this once. Silly fool; you should have read the label more closely! 

Now you're really up shit creek!

2

Businesses that buy in bulk

I happen to like Industrial Blend Coffee, but that's neither here nor there.

3

Masochists

It's too bad I bought the Kindle version of Fifty Shades, as it would have made GREAT toilet paper.

4

Pranksters

The only time you really benefit from getting twice as much length for the same price (ha). This'll teach that kid with the lazy eye a lesson. WHY DON'T HIS EYES BOTH LOOK THE SAME DIRECTION?!

5

People Who Don't Really Understand Math

He thinks saving money is more important than a satisfying wipe. Must be in college or something. Someday he'll learn that, like hiring a maid or paying for your girlfriend's birth control, certain things are just worth the money.

6

Communists

They just seem like the type.



Did I miss anyone?

And if you're one of the freaks who actually prefers 1-ply over 2-ply, please let me know. After all, I don't want to be associating with Communists.

Stalin will never admit his preference for 2-ply, that symbol of Western decadence!