The strange behaviors of women in public restrooms

When it comes to public bathrooms, women are strange, strange creatures. I'm not talking about the tendency to go to the bathroom in groups to talk smack about people behind their backs, as this is well-documented. No; I'm talking about their actual potty behavior.

They do weird things like ...

Hover

Okay, if a toilet seat is straight-up nasty, I can understand not wanting to sit down on it. I have used a toilet that was in such miserable condition that I didn't dare try to clean it up myself, so I just bent over, aimed my peeper at the toilet bowl, and made the problem worse. I mean at that point, f**k it, right?

Care to sit?

However.

I don't understand people who hover all the time. Even when there isn't a single solitary drop of pee on the seat, they refuse to rest their holy thighs upon it. Because germs, y'all.

Germs.

Okay but here's the thing: germs can't really get inside your body unless they reach some sort of orifice. Skin is pretty well-designed to keep germs out. So if you think germs are going to infect you from a public toilet seat, this means one of two things must be true: either your upper thighs are covered in open wounds (in which case, please PLEASE continue to hover instead of sitting), or else you plan to actually rub your vagina/asshole on the toilet seat. I honestly don't know which is more horrifying, but if the latter statement is true, then please consult some literature about how toilets work because you're doing it so, so wrong.

Gross.

If you're a hoverer, please at least wipe up any pee you leave on the seat afterwards. Don't be a dick.

Conversation time? Peeing? Not a problem!!

There is no time during a pee bathroom break when conversation becomes unacceptable. None. Conversation can begin before going into the stall. It can continue when one person is in a stall and another person is still waiting. It can be between two people who are actively peeing at the time. You can talk louder to be heard over the sound of flushing toilets. In some cases, it's even acceptable to ask someone in the stall to identify herself, if you have reason to believe it's someone you know.

Please note, however, that these rules (which are DRAMATICALLY different from the rules of the men's room), are suddenly thrown out the window the moment BMs enter the picture. Because while complete strangers are content to chat with each other over the sound of their own tinkle, don't even think about letting so much as a fart out of your ass until you are completely 100% alone in that bathroom. (the exception being, of course, five-alarm emergencies on a par with those contained in the Amazon reviews for sugar-free Haribo. There's no time for politeness when your life is on the line)

These bizarre poop-related rules are the leading cause of ...

The Mexican Standoff

(special thanks to reader Ashley M. for reminding me of this phenomenon)

The Mexican Standoff occurs when two women need to poop (usually in a small public restroom -- one with only two or three stalls), but both require privacy, so each decides to hunker down in her stall and wait for the other to leave the bathroom.

But of course, since they both have to poop, and neither can go while the other is present, the Standoff can last indefinitely. It is a battle of wills. A battle of bowels. Is it an emergency? Can you hold it? If you leave the bathroom and then come back in ten minutes (thus giving the other lady a chance to complete her business), will anyone notice? As I've mentioned before, my office is home to the bathroom police, so I could not do this. I suppose I could go use the bathroom on another floor, if needed. Not that I've done this.*

*I have done this.

What's funny is that even though both women clearly know what is going on in this situation, it is still socially unacceptable to actually start pooping while the other lady is present. Once the Mexican Standoff has begun, no pooping shall occur until the situation is resolved. If I were involved in a Mexican Standoff and the other woman just let loose, I would be horrified. This isn't 'Nam, lady. The game has rules, and the rules demand that the right to defecate belongs only to the winner. 

Which is so ridiculous. I mean, you both know that you both have to poop. Why can't the two of you just poop already??

BECAUSE WE ARE WOMEN AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT F**KING WORKS.

OOWEE-OOWEE-OOOO ... wah wah wahhhhhhh ...

And let me tell you, there is no greater shame than admitting defeat in the Mexican standoff. Not only do you not get to poop, but you're required by law to then exit the bathroom as quickly as possible (in case someone else comes in and sees you and is like "OH HEY SHEILA!" and then your Mexican Standoff opponent knows your identity and will never again respect you). So you end up feeling backed up, with hands that are still a little soapy and not fully dry. It is the ultimate defeat.

Don't you ever call me out on my hyperbole, Hitler.
EVER.