Blog Archive

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I bought a book of guitar songs for kids ...

So the baby is reaching an age (finally) where she seems to actually have a f**king clue what's going on around her. Phew! I ordered this book of 100 Children's Songs for Guitar, and when it arrived, I excitedly strapped Audrey into her bouncy seat and then sat down to serenade her.

After a few musical interludes, she now knows that the guitar means happy singing fun time, so she busts up into smiles the minute she sees me grab the guitar. It's pretty cute. But guitar-singing time isn't all good. There are some things about it that make me blind with anger. For example ...

It's the "Itsy Bitsy" spider, not the "Eensy Weensy" spider, you stupid book

The songs are all alphabetized, so imagine the pants-shitting level of rage I experience every time I look for the Itsy Bitsy Spider and can't find it because it's under "E" because some mental defective decided the spider is actually "eensy weensy." That's ridiculous. I have never in my life heard someone call it the eensy weensy spider. If I ever did hear a person call it that, I would backhand them into a ditch.

Frere Jacques is all one chord

It is literally just a G chord through the entire song. The book tries to make it seem like you can work in some chord changes, but you'd have to do them so fast it would sound absurd. This isn't Master of Puppets, book. It's Frere-flipping-Jacques. So I just keep strumming that G chord and waiting for the song to be over because dear god it's dull to just play the same chord over and over again.

I mean, like 75% of the rest of the songs in the book are just C and G7 switching back and forth, but even that's enough of a challenge to keep my interest.

Why doesn't the book understand that "The Alphabet Song" is just "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with different words, and "If You're Happy and You Know It" and "There's A Hole in the Bottom of the Sea" are sung to the same tune?

Twinkle Twinkle is extremely easy to play. It's only three or four simple chords. But The Alphabet Song? You've gotta be Jimi f**king Hendrix to play that shit. Why? How? They are the same song. I think I'm just going to do it my way, book. Not like I need to follow along with the lyrics to the Alphabet Song. I know that shit pretty well and I can even sing it backwards, which the Fairfax County sheriff thought was pretty impressive.*

*I made this up. Mom, I don't drink and drive.

Same with There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea. For whatever reason, it's got, like, some A#m7 chords thrown in for no reason at all and I don't know what an A#m7 chord is but I'm not about to learn.

I'll just play If You're Happy and You Know It while singing about bumps on logs in holes. (haha herpes)

I'm suspicious of the lyrics to Hush Little Baby

You probably have the first few lines of this one stored in your memory -- hush little baby, don't say a word, mama's gonna buy you a [extended series of ridiculous items that no child could possibly want].

As far as I remembered, the child was offered a mockingbird, and then a diamond ring when the mockingbird proved to be defective, and then I couldn't remember anything after that. Well, according to this book, the child is then offered items such as a cart and bull, a horse and cart (why does this baby require so many beasts of burden and their accompanying carts? Is he planning to plow a field back in the olden days or something?! Is he late to l'opera?), a dog named Rover, and some other useless shit.

I don't remember there being so many carts in the song. I think this book is just making up new lyrics to the song. I mean, after the "Eensy Weensy Spider" incident, can I really put it past them?

I have had "There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea" stuck in my head for over 14 hours now and homicide.

Theeeeeeeere's ... a wing on a fly on a frog on a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea ....

Enjoy your day now.

No comments:

Post a Comment