What should I write in birthday cards at the office??

I work in one of those offices where everyone pretends to like each other, and this means that whenever someone's birthday comes up, a card gets passed around the entire office for everyone to sign.

I kind of hate this. Specifically, I hate how much pressure it puts on me to come up with something creative to write every single time.

Now, I know that I don't really have to write something creative. I could just write "Happy birthday" and sign my name. (so boring)

Or I could spice it up with "Happy birthday! Hope it's a great one!!" (also boring)

I could even write "Hope your birthday is as wonderful as you are!" and draw a little happy face. This is the kind of sentiment I like to call 'a groaner,' because it's so inexpressibly lame.

The fact is, none of these options are acceptable for me -- my standards are higher than that. When I get a card signed by a bunch of people but nobody has written anything interesting in it, I can't help but wonder why they went to the trouble of getting me a card in the first place. What do I benefit from seeing a piece of stiff paper that a bunch of people have written their names on? Does this improve the quality of my birthday in any meaningful way? 

And what about all the time that was wasted passing the card around so that everyone could write their names on it for me to completely ignore?

No, no. The only way the entire practice makes any sense at all is if people at least TRY to write something interesting in the card. 

The best course of action is to refer to some inside joke you have with the person getting the card:

Haha, don't you wish you worked with these jokers??!? That office must be a laugh a minute.

But what if you don't have an inside joke at all? What if you don't even really know the person that well??? WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WRITE THEN?!?!?!?!

Fear not! Here are a few options for neat things you could write into people's birthday cards to make their birthday just a little bit brighter:

1

A drawing of an animal wearing a birthday hat with a stupid pun

The only thing people love more than badly-drawn animals in birthday hats is facepalmingly bad puns to go with those animals. Trust me on this.

Except when that bitch Janet copies your idea. F***ing bitch.

That's a cow, you idiot. A cow. That's why the herd joke makes sense. I mean yeah it's just one cow, but you know what? You don't get a f***ing birthday card anymore. I just ripped it up. Happy?

2

A statement about how the person is old and will likely die soon

People LOVE being reminded of their own mortality. This is comedy 101. Maybe it's the low-hanging fruit of the joke world, but I assure you, your hilarious birthday card comment is going to have everyone in stitches.

Ah, Millenials, amirite??

 "Just something to think about while you stuff yourself with chocolate cheesecake."

3

A neutral but vaguely creepy statement about how awesome you hope their birthday is

It's like taking the white rice "Hope your birthday is a great one!" and pouring some Sriracha sauce on it. Everyone loves a little spice!

I guess every year I last without contracting HIV/AIDS is a good year?? 

Imagine if you got a whole birthday card full of messages like this. Would you look at your coworkers a little differently?

4

Make fun of someone who signed the card before you

If they didn't want you to make fun of them, they should have waited to sign the card until after you. They earned this.

5

Draw a dick-butt

Everyone enjoys a good dick-butt birthday card. Everyone.

There you go, guys -- a whole host of ideas to keep those office birthday cards fun for everyone! Let me know if any of these ideas turn you into the office clown. I love hearing feedback from my readers :-)


(and just in case you're a little slow, please don't ever EVER draw a dick-butt in an office birthday card. Just don't. Unless it's MY birthday card -- then please draw all of the dick-butts)