Blog Archive

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Thoughts that crossed my mind that instantly regretted

Have you ever just been minding your own business and then all of a sudden some thought crosses your head that's like "wow, wouldn't it be scary/awful if _______ happened right now?" and then for the rest of your life, you can't do that activity without that exact same thought popping back up into your head?

Of course you have! These are called "intrusive thoughts" and they're a rip-roaring riot of a good time. Wouldn't it be crazy if I just jerked this steering wheel suddenly and crashed into those five other cars before careening off a cliff? LOL you know it would!

Let me just share my personal least favorite intrusive thoughts with you right now, in case any of these hadn't been in your head already, so our lives can all be ruined together.

Wouldn't it be scary if the shower curtain just suddenly jerked open while you were home alone taking a shower?

Y'know, just washing up in the shower when suddenly the curtain jerks open. Nobody is there. At least, nobody you can see.

Was it a ghost demon, or was it a rapist/murderer? I HONESTLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH IS PREFERABLE.

"You ... you can't figure out if I'm better than a murderous rapist?!?!"
Ahh, I do miss our ghost.

Wouldn't it be awful if there was a snake in the toilet bowl when you sat down to pee in the dark in the middle of the night and it jumped up and bit your bum?

I never turn on the light when I pee in the night, because the window in our bathroom provides plenty of light to see by. That is, plenty of light to see the toilet itself by. Not enough light to see if there are any snakes waiting to bite my bum.


(while driving at night) Wouldn't it be terrible if you rounded a bend and there was a person standing in the road, and you didn't have time to react so you hit and killed them?

Even though it wouldn't be your fault, you'd still have to live the rest of your life knowing that someone is dead because you killed them. It would replay over and over every time you closed your eyes, like one of those stupid screamer videos. And on dark winding roads, there is NO way you'd have time to react. They say people sometimes commit suicide in this way, dressing all in black and standing in the middle of a dark road with a high speed limit. And now I will be afraid of this happening every time I drive under these conditions for the rest of my life.

This image is from the scariest tire advertisement I have ever seen in my life. Which is a low bar, but trust me when I say it is f***ing terrifying. It's Japanese for chrissakes. If you want to watch it, click here. You've been warned.

Wouldn't it suck if there was some kind of critter hiding under the bed or under the baby's crib, and it ran up and bit your toes while you stood next to it?

This one always gets me when I lay Audrey down in her crib. She has blackout blinds in her room so it's always dark as hell in there, and I have to get right up next to the crib with my toes under it to lay her down. And every time, I'm like "oh I hope rats don't bite my toes" because my brain is an asshole.


Wouldn't it be horrible if while you were rinsing the shampoo out of your hair in the shower, some kind of plumbing emergency caused sewage to start slowly rising out of the drain but you didn't notice until you opened your eyes and by then it was ankle deep?

This happened in Orange is the New Black and it was terrible and don't even try to tell me you're not gonna think about it now. Poo-water to the ankles. Warm poo-water.


Well, that's today's blog post for ya. Ummm ... I apologize for it. For all of it. Here is a cute puppy sleeping in a shopping cart.

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