Why Santa is skipping our house this year: Volume 2

Volume 1 here

I know what you're thinking: it's only been a week since the first volume ... how can I already have another full list of disciplinary infractions to share? 

Because Audrey is EXTREMELY F***ING NAUGHTY.

Here's her latest list of unacceptable acts:


She FaceTimed my coworker from my phone at 5AM on Thanksgiving

Audrey is iPhone obsessed. She sees that everyone has one and uses it all the time, so of course she wants to play with the fun electronic device as well. Up until recently, I have indulged her in this -- within limits. She never gets to take my or Jesse's phone unsupervised, and if she does anything risky (like open up Facebook or start moving app icons around), I take the phone away and lock it. Mostly she just hits the home button over and over again, and types random shit into the search bar.

So it's Thanksgiving morning, and Audrey has woken up at her usual 5AM. We bring her into bed with us for our morning snuggle-slash-please let me sleep for like ten more minutes. I grab my phone to check my email, and then Audrey takes it away from me and starts obsessively hitting the home button. She is literally leaning against my chest with the phone less than a foot away from my face, and I can see the screen. Home button, home button, home button, home button, home button. The screen isn't even unlocked.

And then somehow I hear that unusual ringing tone the phone makes when it is calling someone via FaceTime, and I see that the person she is FaceTiming is a coworker of mine who I am not particularly close with.

I snatch the phone away from her and immediately end the call, but as I am typing a frantic "I AM SORRY" text message (hoping desperately that this coworker silences his phone at night), my phone rings -- my coworker no doubt calling back to see who died because otherwise why the hell would I be calling him at 5AM on a holiday. I answer and he's got that gruff just-woke-up voice. I apologize repeatedly, he assures me it's fine, and Audrey is no longer allowed to play with my phone at all under any circumstances.

I was mortified.

Santa will not be coming to town.

Also, how the HELL did she manage to go from pressing the home button while the phone displayed the lock screen to FACETIMING SOMEONE I NEVER CALL all in the space of .01 seconds? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.


She stole ornaments and hid them in the laundry room

Despite my concerns, I went ahead and hung ornaments on the Christmas tree after all. I figured that if Audrey didn't actually WATCH me hang them, then she might not be quite as interested in them.

Oh, she was interested all right. While I was in the kitchen cooking this weekend, Audrey embarked on a project whose purpose escapes me: taking ornaments off the tree one by one, walking them over to the laundry room, and throwing them on the floor. 

Please note that the laundry room and the Christmas tree are not right next to each other. There were plenty of other, closer places she could have decided to stash the ornaments. But no, the laundry room was it. That was where they belonged. 

She made four separate trips back and forth before we stopped her. Unknown how many ornaments would have ended up in there if we'd just let her do her thing.

You can tell how the battle for the Christmas tree is going by how many ornaments are underneath it, waiting to be re-hung. Because she takes them down faster than I can put them up.

She threw a knock-down blow-out temper tantrum because asparagus was heavy

Seriously. I was packing asparagus to bring to my parents' place to make pickles, and Audrey wanted to play with it. When she discovered that the bags were heavy, this happened:

You can practically taste the impotent baby rage.

I can only imagine how she'll react when something REALLY bad happens to her, like an idiot cuts her off in traffic or something.


She fed me a goldfish cracker that had clearly already been in her mouth

I was cooking in the kitchen, so I gave Audrey a little bowl of snacks to eat in the living room to keep her out of my hair. She was eating happily, and then decided that Mommy definitely needed to share in this bounty. So she carried a cracker across an entire room -- a marathon for a baby who's just learned to walk -- to give it to me, lurching like a zombie with her arm outstretched clutching the cracker that was destined for Mommy's mouth. When she got within range, I squatted down and opened my mouth, and she shoved the goldfish in there.

It was instantly obvious that the cracker had already been in her mouth. It wasn't salty anymore, and her saliva had left the whole thing covered in a thin layer of goldfish paste. In short, it was gross.

Half an hour later, when I was sitting on the living room floor with her, she pulled a goldfish out of her mouth and tried to give it to me, but I wouldn't open my mouth so she smashed it against my face instead.

NO PRESENTS.



She knocked the Christmas tree over

Trying to pull more ornaments off to bring into the laundry room, no doubt. The whole tree came down on top of her. She didn't even cry -- once she was pulled out from under the tree, she just sat there looking pleased with herself.

Not to worry, though -- this won't be happening again. Firstly, because I tied the tree to a weight and wedged the weight in the back of the couch. And secondly, because I've installed a security guard to keep her away. A very effective security guard.

So go ahead, pull that tree down again, Audrey.

I DARE YOU.