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Friday, January 23, 2015

My daughter is kind of a jerk sometimes

The transition from baby into toddler is both incredible and a little bit heartbreaking to watch. It's incredible because you start to see these flashes of intelligent thought in a creature who previously was 100% guided by instinct. I love that I can tell Audrey "please put this in the garbage" and she will walk over to the garbage cupboard, open it, and toss the item in the trash. My baby is finally smarter than most dogs!

But it's heartbreaking because TODDLERS ARE ASSHOLES. They have zero empathy, little understanding of consequences, and no ability to control their emotions. And Audrey is rushing headlong into that stage of her life.

With that in mind, here are a few recent examples of Audrey being a big ol' dick:


She knocked a kid over at daycare because she was mad that I took away her apple several minutes earlier

I put a Granny Smith apple with my things to take to work recently, and Audrey took it. I figured she thought it was a ball, but I should have given her more credit -- she knew it was food, and tried to eat it like some kind of grown person. 




Haha look at her go! Eatin' it just like you or I would!

It was so hilariously adorable that I just let her keep it in the car on the way to daycare. When we arrived, the apple looked like it had been in the possession of a beaver for the past twenty minutes. I laughed and then took it away from her and carried her into the daycare center.

At this point, my sweet darling baby transformed into the Incredible Hulk. Furious, she shouted, cried, and swung her arms around trying to hit me in the face. We entered the toddler room and I put her down, taking her jacket off. She seemed to be calming down -- perhaps the memory of the apple being taken from her was fading.

But then a little girl toddled up to us, grinning and opening her arms for a hug. This little girl is Audrey's best friend at daycare -- they're only a month apart in age and have been together since they were both still in the infant room.

AND AUDREY SHOVED HER SO HARD SHE FELL OVER.

BECAUSE OF AN APPLE.

JERK.


She scribbles out all my drawings

Audrey hates to share her crayons with me. Well, she likes to share the crayons themselves (with my mouth), but she does NOT want me drawing with her.

Whenever I pick up a crayon and start drawing something in her doodle book, she rips the crayon out of my hand and immediately scribbles over whatever I've drawn. Like, scribbling over it in a different color isn't good enough -- it has to be the same color I used so that the picture REALLY gets erased.


I meant to take a picture of an actual example of this, but I forgot so here is a dramatization.

I work hard on some of these pictures, but she just doesn't appreciate it.

Jerk.

*sobbing*



She intentionally does things that she knows are bad, and then scolds herself

She used to pretend that her slip-ups were accidents. Throw something behind the dryer? "Uh oh!" Dump food overboard from her high chair? "Uh oh!"

Now, she's taken a different tack that is even more infuriating (and cute): she acknowledges that she was wrong and agrees with me when I scold her. But then doesn't change her behavior at all.

For example, this morning she was sitting on the floor with a little bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal. I was sitting next to her eating a bowl of bran flakes. Suddenly, I looked down and saw that she was completely covered in smashed Life cereal bits. She must have filled a whole fist with cereal and just pulverized it and rained it all over herself. The minute I saw this mess, I said "Audrey! What have you done?!"

Her response? "No, no, no." She scolded herself before I even had a chance to.

When she doesn't want to eat any more of her dinner and starts squishing stuff with her fingers instead?

Me: "Audrey!"
Audrey: "No, no, no."
Me: "No squishing food."
Audrey: "No, no."

Then she does it again, looks me right in the eyes, and says "no."


video



When she pulls a roll of paper towels out from under the sink and unrolls it for half a mile?

Me: "Audrey!"
Audrey: "No!"

Okay, child ... so if you know this activity is filed under "no" ... WHY DO YOU INSIST ON DOING IT?

BECAUSE YOU ARE A JERK.

But dammit you're cute. Now to spend some time Googling "how to discipline a very young child in ways that they actually understand." Wish me luck, friends.

Audrey, do you think this will be a success?


video


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