Five actors I can't stand

I know it’s rude to dislike people you’ve never met in real life. Maybe all the people on the following list are actually lovely, generous, caring folks with great senses of humor. Maybe they are deeply empathetic, or make a delicious apple pie. Or maybe they don’t.

But since I’ll never find out – them being celebrities and all – I am left to judge them based entirely on how they come off on screen. And let me tell you … some people just make a terrible impression. Or, more importantly, some people’s FACES make a terrible impression.

Here are some famous actors and actresses I want to punch based entirely on the faces they make on camera.

1

Kristen Stewart

This should come as no surprise to anyone who read my Twilight plot synopsis. What is with those front teeth, and why are they always showing? Why can’t she learn to close her mouth every once in a while?

See, in this picture, she looks just fine:

But she never looks like that. She always looks like this:

She should glue her lips together for a while or something, just to break her of the habit. The world would be a better place, and Snow White and the Huntsman would be a much better movie.

(and besides, does anyone ON EARTH actually think that Kristen Stewart is ‘fairer’ than Charlize Theron? Give me a break. That’s like comparing a Clydesdale to a unicorn.)

 

2

Kevin Costner

Never mind the fact that almost every movie he stars in is total crap. Never mind that he can’t act his way out of a paper bag. Never mind that he is utterly incapable of doing accents, but he tries anyway.

I JUST WANT TO PUNCH HIS DOUGHY STUPID FACE EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

Seriously – he always looks confused yet somehow smug. Like he has no idea what’s going on, but he knows whatever it is is good for him.

Plus, all his facial features are jammed into one tiny part of his face.

Errrrrhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh this Google image search is making me want to scratch the skin off my cheeks, so let’s move on to my next great enemy.

3

Keira Knightley

Okay, she’s not really my great enemy. I actually love Keira Knightley. I think she’s a great beauty and a pretty damn good actress to boot.

But then she does this:

… and I want to smash her in the face with a shovel.

 

STOP POUTING. IT LOOKS TERRIBLE.

I look at that face and all I see is this:

STOP MAKING YOURSELF UGLY. YOU ARE TOO PRETTY FOR THAT.

4

Keanu Reeves

I almost feel bad about this one, because, well, it’s KEANU REEVES. He’s like a small child with a learning disability: he may be annoying, but he can’t help it.

I mean yeah, he’s a totally wooden actor. He is not believable in any role I have ever seen him play. He ruins what would otherwise be good movies.

But … look at him! He’s adorable!

Plus, he starred in the movie Point Break, where he played an FBI agent who goes undercover as a surfer to infiltrate a notorious gang led by Patrick Swayze.

 

It is without a doubt the most ridiculous plot for any movie ever made (and that includes Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall AND Junior), yet Keanu played his role with his typical guileless enthusiasm. And the scene where he shoots his gun in the air because he likes Patrick Swayze too much to shoot him? (which can be viewed here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY6PXoyNP1k)

WHY DIDN’T HE GET AN OSCAR FOR THAT?!?!?!

Ah, Keanu. I don’t know why people keep casting you in movies, but you just go on ruining them. You have my permission, darling.

5

The actor I hate more than any other

You know who ISN’T invited to keep ruining movies?

You know who fills me with such rage that I actually cannot watch movies that he is in?

You know who has such a STUPID FUCKING FACE that I haven’t even watched one of the most popular and famous movie trilogies in recent memory because of him?

 

TOBEY-MOTHERFUCKING-MAGUIRE, THAT’S WHO.

No, just no. Everything about him – no. He has a stupid goddamn face that’s supposed to be all “boyish” but just comes off as weak. Like if I punched him, he wouldn’t get back up. And he’s got this lazy half-cocked smile that I want to knock off his face. And his voice … that whiny, bitchy little VOICE …

Here is a brief comic showing how I feel about Tobey Maguire.

And no, I haven’t seen the second or third Spider-Man movies. I had a hard enough time coming down off the ledge after watching the first one. I caught about two minutes of the part where he turns into evil Spider-Man and he’s supposed to be all suave and assholey. And I nearly broke the TV because of it.

But, y’know, I’m sure he’s a wonderful guy once you get to know him.

Which I will never do.

On account of his face.

Oh, and I also can't stand Nicolas Cage ...

... but that's a story for another day.

Movies I haven’t seen – Part 5: Gremlins

WARNING: Today's post ends up going off a cliff. Don't read it if you're the type who gets upset easily. My version of Gremlins is rather ... dark.

I hope you guys aren’t getting sick of this "movies I haven't seen" series, because I’m certainly not. And after a joke was made last night about not feeding something after midnight, I realized what movie needed the gentle touch of a Paint brush next: Gremlins.

It’s true, okay: I haven’t seen that movie. Not only have I not seen it, but I actually know very little about it. But don’t worry – that's never slowed me down before! I’m just going to be really liberal in my filling-in of the parts of the movie I’m not familiar with. Hold on tight; this is going to be a bumpy ride.

 

Gremlins is about a teenage boy whose naughtiness is matched only by his idiocy. He gets some stupid furry pet thing called Gizmo:

There are only three rules that he has to follow to keep Gizmo happy and adorable: 1 – No water. 2 – Something else that is probably stupid and easy to avoid but you know this dumbass kid is going to do it anyway. And 3 – do NOT feed him after midnight!

 Of course, our main character – who shall henceforth be known as “Burt” – is unusually slow in the head, so he breaks all the rules. He gets the little fucker all wet:

 

And then he feeds the bastard after midnight!

I'm assuming the third thing on the list was "don't force Gizmo to play Paris Hilton in a Carl's Jr. commercial," in which case Burt obviously broke all three rules.

This causes Gizmo to turn into a ferocious monster:

One who spawns a bunch of other ferocious monsters:

The ferocious monsters known as Gremlins proceed to go on a rampage through Burt’s town. They are savage, bloodthirsty creatures: they kill babies and rape mothers in front of their children. They rip out fingernails and toenails just for sport. It’s pretty gruesome. One of the darker movies of our time.

 

The men of the town band together to formulate a plan to kill the Gremlins. They gather up all their firearms and start shooting at everything that moves. But they find that the Gremlins are impervious to bullets due to a protective force field.

 

A crusty old man who has lots of experience with these things then shows up at just the right moment with some advice:

 

So the men start setting traps and eating all the Gremlin hearts they can get their hands on.

 

But their plan isn’t working fast enough. The Gremlins continue to multiply, and the rivers run red with the blood of the innocent.

 

Eventually, all of mankind is destroyed and the Gremlins take over the Earth. The only survivor is young Burt, who the Gremlins keep locked in a cage surrounded by pictures of his dead family.

Hey Burt, what were those rules again about Gizmo?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING FOLLOWED THEM.

 

Man, can you believe Gremlins was considered a CHILDREN’S MOVIE back in 1984?? Boy howdy, times have changed!

More sh*t I haven't seen: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

Apparently there is this show on TLC called “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Though I have never actually watched it, I am familiar with it.

… just familiar enough to offer this little synopsis of what the show is all about.

“Honey Boo Boo” is the nickname of a chubby little blonde girl from Georgia.

She rose to fame after a stint on the show “Toddlers and Tiaras,” where her disgracefulness earned her many fans. Americans in general enjoy a good bout of schadenfreude, and Honey Boo Boo and her white trash family really made us all feel better about our own lives.

 

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, “Flabbity,” looks like a stringy-haired land-manatee. They both speak with such thick southern accents that most of the show is captioned – like it was in a foreign language. Thankfully, the captions do not correct their grammar.

Now, I know I have a few foreign readers who may not be familiar with any of the crap I’m talking about. So here is some background:

“Toddlers and Tiaras” is a reality show about crazy moms who enter their young daughters in beauty pageants, dressing them up like hookers with makeup and spray tans and starting the association between physical attractiveness and self-esteem at a nice young age. Most of the little girls on this show are models of decorum (other than their insane behind-the-scenes tantrums), having long since been beaten into total submission by, errh, I mean, “learned to be ladies” from their batshit-nuts mothers.

It’s okay to be horrified.

But little Honey Boo Boo broke the mold, yes she did. Decorous she is not. Her claims to fame on the show included chugging down 2-liter bottles of soda, pulling up her shirt and patting her big belly, and belting out catch phrases such as this:

The popularity of the Boo Boo clan became so great that TLC decided to give them their own spinoff reality show.

See? There’s your proof. I am not making this shit up.

Many Americans mourned, considering this the death knell of anything that could rightfully be called “American culture.” But through their tears, they turned on their televisions to watch the train wreck unfold. After all, who could resist the commercial proudly advertising that in this week’s episode, Honey Boo Boo would be adopting a pet piglet?

I’m sure Flabbity is putting every dollar they make into a college fund for Honey Boo Boo.

I’m sure of it.

Honey Boo Boo is going to be a doctor someday. Yep, mmhmm.

 

 

I forgot where I was going with all this -- the whole thing just got too depressing. Ugh, time to go eat seven cheeseburgers and drown my sorrows in Game Day beer. It’s turned into that kind of day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN TELEVISION SHOW?

I'M MOVING BACK TO CANADA.